I am the master pun creator
I bought my 10 year old son an acoustic guitar yesterday and he has mastered 3 chords already.
So now the full Oasis songbook is covered he's moved on to a new one.
Dwayne Johnson is a master of origami...
As his apprentice, I once assisted him at an exhibition and managed to lose the cutting implement he uses to prepare the paper for folding. I can’t believe I lost The Rock’s Paper Scissors.
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Why did the pun master order a glass coffin for his own funeral?
Because he wanted his friends to see what he dead there.
Why did the chess master go to Prague?
I saw a dude’s truck that said Master Baitor on it one time now I don’t fish but I want that
Ve are the master chiefs
What do you call the perfect German soldiers?
Veteran-arians
Did you hear about the uncaring ,cyclopian Jedi Master?
Just received a masters degree in 'garden fencing'.
I am now a post graduate.
I'm a border collie. My master says that my main purpose is to gather sheep for him.
That's what I herd, anyway.
Why did the master distiller put an elevator in the warehouse?
A master woodworker needed transportation, so he built a motorcycle out of the best lumber in the workshop.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
What do you call a master archer?
Did you know that Jedi master Yoda was actually a Austro-Bavarian folk singer?
It's true. Right there in his last name, "Lay Hee Hoo."
What's your favourite blue spiky master film director?
Why are windows bad quiz masters?
They always reveal the answer
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
Did you know that musician Bob Seger wanted to be a chess master?
He was always working on his knight moves...
My dad didn't love me as a child, but I don't blame him.
I wasn't born until he was an adult.
Master of None•••Pastor of Muppets
What did Master Yoda say when he first saw himself in 4k resolution?
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
What word has the most letters in it?
The post office.
(Courtesy of my 8 year olds).
No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to master the entire alphabet.
My father in law is the master at Dad Jokes, this is my favorite he tells my son
You must be built backwards because your feet smell and your nose runs.
I gave up explaining to my Zen master how E-mails work.
He can't just comprehend what attachments are!
What's it called when your wife falls asleep after she says she is the mood?
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Bow down to your master, peasants
Vincent Van Gogh’s son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...
Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?
Which is the grand master of nuts?
I toured the USS Missouri today…
In the ship I saw the Master at Arms’ office and weapon storage was right near the ship’s bakery. It struck me as odd, until I realized that the Navy followed the same principles as the Army having the US gold in Fort Knox, surrounded by an armored force.
You have to be able to guard the dough.
Why was Darth Vader called "Lord Vader"?
Because "Master Vader" made the storm troopers giggle.
Kids grow up so fast
One minute you’re yelling at them for driving you up a wall. The next, you’re begging them to install a Stair-master...
You may be a dabbler in google fu.
But I'm a black belt in bingjutsu, Yahfu, YouTujutsu, and tae Qwant do.
I was taught by a legendary master named DuckDuckGoku.
You’ll likely get this if you watched Russell Crowe in Master and Commander...
A Zen master walked up to a hot dog stand, and ordered himself a meal.
"Make me one with everything."
People Who Are Expert Fishers Are Also Master Baiters
Why do big-game hunters mount their lions’ heads?
To mount the other end would be a catastrophe.
What's the safest room in the house during a zombie invasion?
After I dug into the details of a theoretical zombie crisis and the entrances and exits of our home, I settled on the master bedroom.
My son sighs and says, "the living room."
High five buddy, you got me.
Darth Vader's walking into a Chinese takeaway when he gets a call from the Emperor
"What is thy bidding, my master?" says Darth Vader.
"Order 66."
My friend told me, “You have a B.A., Master’s, and a Ph.D., but you still act like a moron.”
It was a third degree burn.
My friend said, “You have a BA, Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”
It was a third degree burn.
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