A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
Wife: "I accidentally fell asleep while grading my student's projects."
Me: "I guess everyone's getting Z's"
What did the teacher do when his student wrote a report on the history of cheese?
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
Thank you for getting me through college, student loan providers.
I don't think I can ever repay you.
I thanked my student loans for getting me through college.
I just don't know how I could ever repay them!
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said it’s a piece of cake!
You know I hate engineer students sometimes
For example I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself unemployed.
A nominee for director of the math department at my school was caught having an affair with her student...
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren’t very supportive. They kept telling him to “Get with the times...
What do you call a mycology student who loves to party
If another word for student is 'pupil' ...
Do you call someone who's learning to manage sex workers a 'pimple'?
Are you a student loan?
Cause I'd like to have you around for the rest of my life.
Some students needed help calculating the number of food and drinks they'd need for a party. Their teacher responds...
"What's the equation? (occasion)"
My sewing instructor just told me that I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
What did the student say after visiting the Thomas Edison Museum?
I enjoyed being enlightened
Student: Can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: It’s may.
Student: No, it’s January
A taekwondo student walks up to the seller in a doughnut store. What did the seller say?
Why did the Oklahoma student keep rushing everything?
Teacher asked “What is the formula of water?” Student said “H I J K L M N O” teacher said “that’s not the formula of water”
Student said “you said the formula was H to O”.
I asked my French exchange student if he went to the bathroom before we got into the car
One of my students told me that all of his classmates are turning into Batman because of Covid
They are all either wearing a mask or their parents are dead.
Why did the architecture student get points off on his blueprint of a Soviet house?
Unnecessary Marx and Engels.
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.
The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:
"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"
"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled
"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.
In a Student v.s. Teacher competition
What did the student do after smoking weed ?
Studies show alcoholic law students...
...are more likely to have trouble passing the bar.
Why did the Eastern European student fail his test?
He was Russian to get it done
(Eastern euro joke 2/7)
Why did the student do multiplication problems on the floor?
The teacher told him not to use tables
I remember, when i was a teacher, a student came up and said 'hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson?'
I just looked right through him. Mad world innit.
How many college students does it take to change a lightbulb.
None, they can't afford the lightbulb.
What did the socially distanced yoga instructor say to her students
Nama stay six feet apart from people
Students can now enroll in weed-growing classes.
During my time as a PhD student I used to draw stupid puns on the whiteboard. This is one of my favourites.
To make extra money, my professor forces all the students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.
I think I have worked out why students dislike math teachers
They just keep giving you problems.
I got mad when my teacher told me I was an average student.
It was just a mean thing to say.
Student, studying music: "What's a Polonaise?"
Teacher, a dad: "Polish mayonnaise."
I had a friend in high school who was a foreign exchange student, and he always took mine and my friend’s e-cigarettes
We called him the international juul thief
I was the top student in my class until my teacher gave me very low marks.
A student is arrested and brought to court for carrying a weapon to his morning lecture
Judge: Why did you bring a taser to your lecture?
Defendent: Well you see sir, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. But I’m not a big fan of soft drinks or coffee, so I thought the next best thing was to give me a good shock.
A nun is teaching her students about the circle of life
"there are either predators or prey in the circle of life" explained the nun. "whatever an animal eats, it is called that animal's prey. for instance, rabbits eat lettuce - thus lettuce is rabbit prey."
"Sister, what is sunlight then?" asked a quizzical child.
smiling, the nun put her hands together and said, "lettuce prey".
You know I hate engineer students sometimes.
For example I hate it when engineer students call themself engineers like you don't hear med students calling themself doctors or art students calling themself the next hitler
My sewing instructor thinks I’m the worst student she has ever seen.
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
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