I stopped because I wasnt feeling it.
You might say interest has been in creasing
He then corrected himself. What he meant to say, was pencils of color.
I look him dead in the eye and say, "What a Pacific example you just gave"
He replied, “Can you play far far away?”
I really need to get out more.
Did you hear about the magician who grabbed Eminem so hard his SnapBack fell off?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat
What do you call a magician who is an administrator at a college, but nobody knows what students he is in charge of?
Whose dean’s he?
A magician went out to the store and bought a big metal structure so he could hang upside down and do situps. He also loved painting, but because of his style he often knocked the canvas around while dabbing on the paint. So he bought another, wooden structure, like an easel, but with clamps to hold the painting in place while he prodded it with the paintbrush. His wife asked, as he brought them in, what the hell he had just bought. He replied:
“Ab rack and dab rack”
What do you call a magician with very skinny fingers?
Slight of hand
The magician’s wife brought him to the store to buy gifts for a birthday party. She picked out a lovely candle, but wanted to include a nice note. The magician knew just what to do. He broug... keep reading on reddit ➡
Ohm my gawd, it's fascinating!
NASA : Appolo 7, Appolo 8... etc
Youtubers : Appolo gyvideos
I said the shovel
brush up your mandarin
I guess we were ahead of the curve
I bet it was really interesting.
But when it comes to two unconnected vertices, that’s where I draw the line.
I think I was missing the point.
Ooh ooh Pygmy!! Pygmy!!
It‘s quite handy
Honestly, you just have to have a feel for it.
It plays an instrumental role in my recovery.
"One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight..." said the kid, pausing after eight.
"Can you say the next number?" The dad asked.
"Nein," The kid replied, not remembering the next number.
"Good job," The dad replied, confusing the kid.
I Scream - aaaarrrhhhhh...
Even better when actually a true story!
I told her there's a vas deferens between male and female genitalia
My dad called me out of my room, asked me what I was doing and I told him I was revising (insert quote marks around that for yourself if you'd like). He asks me to look in the car and there's a whole crate full of packets of salt that are all leaking. That sounds weird, and to be honest it is, but my dad works at a supermarket and gets to take home faulty merchandise so I though nothing of it. He asks me to move it all into the garage, so I do so.
Then he tells me: "Actually, put it in the shed". Now I'm confused since we don't have a shed, and so I asked him what he meant. He tells me, "The one in the old house". We own two houses - our first one, and our new one, so I thought alright that's enough; the house is a half-hour walk and I honestly cannot be bothered for him asking me to walk that half an hour whilst I could be revising so I get a bit mad and just tell him straight.
He gives me a little smile and just says "Don't get salty and start shedding tears, I'll do it then".... keep reading on reddit ➡
Why, it’s as easy as ZQC!
"Have you ever thought about sex ed?" he asked.
"Who hasn't?" I replied. "And my name isn't Ed."
It opened so many new doors for me
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
They're both semiconductors.
I asked, is it like a metafive but not as good?
Got a laugh from the teacher and a groan from my kids. Mission complete!
Update: my wife just read the post and I started giggling and said 'I make myself laugh', my seven year old piped up 'you don't make other people laugh'
I'm so proud of myself
Because they spend so many years at c.
Edit: explained the pun
He just looked at me and said "Queso?"
I told him"If I were learning a dead language, I'd be Latin you down."
But it has really opened a lot of doors for me.
Especially when it delves into the MikeRowe-economics.
It's called train training training training.
I wish it was a whittle faster.
So I told him: "take it AZ"
I've been reading up.
Once a magician from Mexico was performing. He said he will disappear at the count of three.. He started ,"un, dos,..."
He disappeared without a très
He found the idea rappel-ent
Shofar so good.
I thought it was a strange thing to teach toddlers. Even if they understood it, it would still go over their heads.
Her "I've started learning sheet music"
Me "Why learn sheet music? Why not good music?"
She proceeded to leave the room groaning
I asked him, "Juneau what the capital of Alaska is?"
My son just went to a new barber. He asked for one inch to be left...the barber cut it to 1/4 inch. So he comes home, looking almost bald. His wife just started laughing when she saw it. His 8 year old did a perfect dad joke. She walked over, rubbed her hands on dad's head and sang, like Elsa... "Let it grow, let it grow!...."
A foyer college.
Sometimes you get a real kick out of it...
involves a steep learning curve.
Me: I hate it when I try to change gear and accidentally lift the clutch too early
Dad: Me too, it really grinds my gears.
But I kept getting stuck.
...because my teacher is sensei-tional!
Now I can show off my Phnom-enal Penh-manship
It's been slow. She usually only manages a few metres in a straight line before stopping. Today she cycled along for ages with one arm held out to the side.
I think she's finally turning a corner.
"Sir, I can't really get a Handel on all of this, can we go Bach a bit?" I laughed, teacher rolled his eyes and kept talking as if it was never asked.
GF - I don't know what A minor is.
Me - It's a person under the age of 18.
We were making a wooden frame for the family picture. Me " I got glue on my fingers." Son " looks like you're in a sticky situation"
"Don't drink and Derive."
(Obviously not my OC.)
He got lost at C
Every time I'd park the car more than 6 inches away from the curb he'd open the door, look down at the gap between the car and the curb, then close the door and say "I guess we can take the shuttle."
I guess it's not really a dad joke but it's definitely dad humor. Now I say it every chance I get.
He said, "Well, that's your Pinyin".
Knot my problem.
The other day a 15 year old said to me, "soon I'm going to train to drive a car!"
So I replied, "so if you want to learn how to drive a train would you have to, 'car to drive a train?'"
Co-workers were talking about going to a beer tasting this weekend. Here is how the conversation unfolded.
Coworker 1: They are show casing pale ales this time.
Coworker 2: When is their ales and stouts tasting?
CW1: Oh it was last weekend.
CW2: Damn, a stout sounds so good right now.
Me: Man, sounds like you really miss-stout.
My sister today said "all girls are better than boys"
Without hesitating I responded "that's a broad statement"
I was about 8 at the time and asked
me: "Dad, what does gracias mean in Spanish?"
Dad: "It means fell over"
me: "Okay, thank you"
Got it wrong with my homework, and finally it dawned on me with the joke he made
Teacher: "Does anyone know what molds and stuff can be found in various locations?"
Me: "Well I'm a fungi, and I'm usually here in Colorado."
but doesn't always have the best pronunciation. When tasked with saying "yellow" it comes out more like "yay-yo." My Dad was visiting us this weekend, her grandfather, and when talking to her about the color he said "Yay-yo is my favorite color!" To which I replied "It was Tony Montana's, too, you'd better be careful."
Dad: what is the lunchmeat that tastes like hot dogs?
Dad: this isn't bologna, son, but a serious question.
So, when I was first learning to drive (actually my first time operating the car), my dad was teaching me to control the engine's RPM. However, he likes to troll me every once in awhile; this is what he did. Keep in mind we're parked in our driveway, parking break on, in neutral...
"Alright, weediereedie, you're going to want to hover around 2000 RPM, so I want you to really concentrate on keeping the engine at that speed. Hear what the engine sounds like when you go too far, or go under." I concentrate really intensely, and lose focus on what's going on around me. All of a sudden, my dad shouts in my ear "WATCH OUT THERE'S A TRUCK ABOUT TO CRASH INTO US!!" I immediately duck my head, cry out in fear, and slam my foot on the gas, while my dad cracks up in the passenger seat to the point of tears. Love you, Dad...most of the time :)
"Dad, how do you make a Chicagoan upset?"
"I don't know, son."
"You ill-annoy them."
This conversation happened between my parents after my dad took me for a driving lesson many years ago.
Mom: So how did he do?
Dad: He was actually doing pretty well until he hit that cat...
Mom: Oh no! He hit a cat?
Dad: Well, actually, the cat was okay. The kid that was holding it got pretty messed up, though.
Not going to lie, I used that one at school the next day.
Edit: I can never get the formatting right on the first try...