Did you hear about the person who invented the door knocker?
They won the Nobel prize.
Wife says I won’t get 5 upvotes for this, but... Did you hear the one about the dog and the tree?
They had a long conversation about bark.
Edit: Y'all are nuts! We're somewhere north of 10k upvotes now, so I'll direct any remaining attention to Boot Camp for New Dads.
Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with ansomnia?
They stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
Did you hear about the mermaid who liked math?
Did you hear about the man who lost his whole left side?
Wanna hear a joke about construction?
... im still working on it
Did you hear about the ice cream van that crashed?
The driver blamed it on the rocky road
Did you hear about the new movie constipation?
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?
Did you hear about the farmer that just got sentenced for killing his neighbors cow?
After a quick investigation, the Prosecutor was able to turn it into a brief case.
Sorry to hear your dad was hit by a boat in Venice.
Please accept my Gondolances.
Did you hear about Orion's belt?
It was such a big waist of space.
Sorry.. I know terrible joke. You can leave a 3 star review.
Did you guys hear about the boat that got stuck in the Suez canal?
Did you hear about the pirate who had trouble with the alphabet?
He always got lost at sea!
Did you hear about the chemist at -273.15 degree C?
Did you hear that rumor about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it
Did you hear Dave Grohl opened a to-go Greek restaurant?
It’s called There Goes My Gyro
Did you hear about that man that got his tires stolen but not his wheels?
He’s been working tirelessly to get them back
Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinder?
He made a spectacle of himself.
Wanna hear a joke about paper?
Oh nevermind. It's tear-ible.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?
Did you hear about the guy who got his left side cut off?
I think of this whenever I hear the term IV drip
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Did you hear about the frog that was double parked outside the club?
He got toad.
It was worth it though...
That club was hopping.
Did you hear about the optometrist who saved a life?
Did you hear about the paddle sale at The Boat Store?
Did you hear about the corduroy pillows ?
They are making headlines.
Did you hear about the girl who tried to smuggle drugs in her bra ?
Police said, it led to a bigger bust.
Did you hear about the new bikini documentary?
Its a two part series that's quite revealing.
Did you hear about the guy who went on a fruit diet? In just 2 days, he became completely obnoxious
Evidently, it is enough to make a Mango crazy
I hear she has really come out of her shell.
Did you hear about the soldier who was attacked with mustard gas and pepper spray?
He was a seasoned veteran!
Did you hear about the disaster at the department store?
Unfortunately, there were many casual tees.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist use the bathroom?
The P is silent!
.
Edit: thanks for the hugz award!
Did you hear about the man you set up a shark fishing school in Australia?
It cost him an arm and a leg...
Did you hear about the well-behaved little boy?
Whenever he was good, his dad gave him 10p and a pat on the head. By the time he was sixteen, he had £786 and a flat head.
You hear about the dude that drank so many margs he almost died?
Did you hear about the Chef that died?
He pasta way.
We cannoli do so much.
His legacy will become a pizza history.
He sadly ran out of thyme.
Did you hear about the 2 owls?
They're in cahoots with each other.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change colour?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Did you hear that a judge has demanded Dr. Pimple Popper grab any person off the street and remove pus-filled sacs within their skin?
It's a seize and de-cyst order!
Did you hear the joke about turds?
Nah I won’t tell you, it’s shit.
Did you hear about the magic tractor?
Did you hear about the guy who stole a calendar?
Did you hear about the fish that fell asleep in school?
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Why can't we hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom
Because it has a silent pee.
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