Who improved the art of stealing to perfection?

Rob Boss.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss set me up with the perfect pun! [x-post /r/dadjokes]

He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.

"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2016
🚨︎ report
The perfect date
πŸ‘︎ 330
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Un_FaZed211
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My local clothing store has an area set aside to try on clothes that is perfectly placed in the store...

It's a fitting room.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
A mime is the perfect partner in crime

They'll never say a word

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lilbob628
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
I found out today that I perfectly match the profile of the type of person who spoils their ballot paper.

I tick all the right boxes.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Everyone knows the Italians invented pizza but few know that it was perfected by French rebels in nazi occupied France during WWII.

It was the pizza de resistance.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/GaelTadh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I found the perfect password solution

I use the date of birth of a person I know. For example from Margarete von Henneberg. Nobody knows her. So how should someone get my password 1234?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pol_Ice
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
How many beans do you need to make the perfect bean soup?

239.

Because one more would be too farty.

πŸ‘︎ 188
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crash_86
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I had the perfect joke about french meals

it's unbrielievably cheesy

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IWishIWasAGoomba
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally managed to take the perfect nude and felt comfortable sending it to my wife

My secretary looked extra beautiful in that light and atmosphere!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Just got the perfect tool for making a good indian flat bread

it's a naan stick pan

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jahonay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I wanted to buy the perfect Vincent Van Gogh costume for a Halloween party, but I couldn't find one.

They were all ear-regular.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Stop looking for the perfect match..

Use a lighter

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The very first sex change procedures were perfected in ancient Egypt...

...they became quite skilled at making daddy's into mummy's.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..

But they concluded a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh damn guess I get to keep my tip
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Castille_92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
One of my friends brags all the time that he can make a perfect circle

It seems pointless to me

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Avery101912
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The end.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrValdez
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my wife a copy of the Pixar movie Up when it came out a long time ago, but she dropped it while opening it. She dropped it so many times over the years that the box is very damaged and the disc is no longer playable. Her other movies are perfectly fine, but not this one.

She did not hold Up well.

πŸ‘︎ 308
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mortalfloater
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I put up a scarecrow in my garden the other day and it works so perfectly...

... it’s impeckable!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/44pointer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the perfect first date?

January 1st

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emitremmus27
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In the Disney animated picture, Ratatouille, Remy controls Linguini actions by pulling his hair, giving him a perfect palette. The little chef’s squeak is the only other voice Linguini ever really hears at home.

I guess you could say Remy is Linguini’s voice of season

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the perfect name to give to your first sim?

Simone

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wxlson
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Me and my wife were scrambling to leave the house today. I happened to introduce myself to the mailman at the perfect time. His name was Mikey. Just then I turned back inside...

And yelled "HONEY, I FOUND THEM!"

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fartingpinetree
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack went into a magic forest to gather wood. As he found the perfect tree to cut down, he began sharpening his axe, and the tree exclaimed, β€œNO! Don’t chop me down! I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack responded, β€œAnd you will dialogue.”

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/articElite0
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How to ensure the perfect dad joke:

Make sure it's fully groan.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Just figured out the perfect name for my Pickleball league.

Baller Baller Dills, Y’all

Edit: I’m so sorry, I thought of this and needed it to exist somewhere outside my mind but I don’t actually play pickleball

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
The perfect gift
πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VinceDC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
🚨︎ report
My kids were disgusted. As I choked with laughter.

Sitting down having dinner with my wife and girls (1,3,4) and my three year old says β€œDo you know what my baby does?!” And she made her doll do a backflip on the table. And almost as if instinct, I said β€œwell do you know what my baby does?! MY BABY TAKES THE MORNING TRAIN...” and I hit them with the whole of Sheena Eastons song during dinner.

It was perfect.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OldManMarc88
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
🚨︎ report
This quarantine has provided me the perfect opportunity to start a yacht making company in my attic...

Sails are through the roof!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/void_burglar
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
The reason why Minecraft is a perfect game is because...

They didn't cut any corners

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WackyBehr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching an Australian cooking show, and the audience applauded the chef for making a perfect meringue.

I was surprised, as Australian's usually boo meringue.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/holiestofrollers
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I once saw a little guy with a red pointy hat riding the D.C. subway, listening to some music, tapping his toes perfectly in time with the beat

He was the greatest Metro Gnome ever.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How much did it cost me to get the perfect size Christmas tree for my house?

Tree-fitty

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/catscam7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
It took scientists 15 tries to create the perfect sleep aid. Attempts A-N had no effect..

But a Pill-O helped everyone sleep better.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dothemagic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A Frog and a Bank Loan

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.

The frog says $30,000.

The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bstie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.