Accomplish Puns

Look at me now, saving lives!

I just let him down

She was outstanding in her field.

It's about time.

After all... It’s no small feet.

Unfortunately, one of them stole the show.

Imagine if she was Fulltime-Cortez!

He said, “Your days are numbered!”

They always vote neigh.

I just came to my feat!

Suck zest!

LINGuistics

But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha

I know it's been done before, and many a dad before me and many a dad after me will get to experience this, but in these dark times this was a ray of light that pierced me right to the core with joy.

I came home, and my bright and bubbly ballerina 6 year old runs up and says can I have a hug!?

She asks very tentatively because she knows I have been out all day and the routine is for me to grab a shower (COVID) before I let them get all over me.

So I say, not yet I'm dirty.

She says awww... then she turns to walk away, but then spins back around and looks at me dead in the eye and says:

Hi! um...

wait a sec,

um, I know um,

um, wait.... dir...

[Face beams the biggest smile of accomplishment]

Hi Dirty! I'm [daughter]!

I know we have those proud moments when they turn, but man her delivery, the awkwardness, and the sheer pride she beamed out when she realized she just pulled the reverse dad joke on me...

It's not the getting reverse dad'd, it's the joy and pride she had... she could have just graduated college, and that's how big her beaming smile was right then...

It's a memory I am going to keep and it really lit up this dark time.

There is a lot that I want to accomplish in The Mean Time!!

"Take Beethoven for example, they told him he could not be a musician because he was deaf...but he didn't listen!"

I was just able to get a dentist appointment at 2:30

Because he's playing chicken with China, the Chinese chicken.

this is the most recent.

“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”

As the sky darkened, he started to get worried about the cold. Rummaging through his supplies, he realized he had just enough to build a small fire. The man did accomplish his goal, but just as the fire started to grow, it sank his vessel, and the man drowned.

I guess the old saying holds true; you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

I recall from my youth, a time of great adventure. My friends and I on safari hunting the Great North-American Man-Eating Female Butt-Ox.

The hunt was difficult and expensive. Once one has been identified as an acceptable specimen you need to slow its wits and dull its decision making process. This is best accomplished with loud music, flashing lights and alcohol. But even then the hunt can be foiled by rushing in to early. If you're successful, you then need to separate it from the pack. This is the trickiest bit as less than ideal pack members will often fight ruthlessly to "protect" your target.

But even the most successful outings are not without risk. On several occasions I found myself entangled in a wrestling match for hours. But there lies the fruit of the hunt...

You're high fiving yourself over someone else's accomplishment

...she told me that we didn't have a color we needed.

So this morning I said "I had a dream last night that I found that color for you, but when I woke up I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination."

Got a groan from her, mission accomplished.

Everyone knows the Pythagorean theorem, but few people know that Pythagoras was an avid and accomplished explorer who visited the new world before the Vikings or Columbus ever laid eyes on the continent. On one of his early visits he encountered a village and happened upon a woman, heavily pregnant sitting on the hide of a bear. He asked her what she was doing and she told him that she wanted to give birth on the hide so that her child would have the strength of a bear when he was born. As he walked further into the main part of the village he saw another woman, again quite pregnant sitting on the hide of a deer. When asked she replied that she wanted her child to have the grace and agility of a deer. Seeing a trend he was taken aback when he saw a very pregnant woman sitting on the hide of a hippopotamus. Surprised both at the choice and at the existence of such a creature, he wondered what she must wish for her child, but she replied that there just weren’t any other hides available for her so she took what she could get.

Many years later when he returned to the same village, he encountered the first woman and asked about her child. Was he as strong as a bear? She pointed him out and sure enough, her son was busy ripping a stump out of the ground with his hands, as strong as a bear! Amazed, he sought out the second woman, who pointed out her son, running through a field at great speed, as graceful and agile as a deer! Intrigued to say the least, Pythagoras sought the third woman. She pointed out her son, and he didn’t believe his eyes - he was both as strong as a bear and as graceful as a deer; a mountain of a man with grace and poise.

He wrote in his now-famous travel journal his amazing discovery; that the sons of the squaws on the two smaller hides are equal to that of the squaw on the hippopotamus.

I told her the (pretty good) guess was wrong, the spider is in fact 8 feet.

The wife tutted, the spider rolled all of his eyes and I walked away, feeling accomplished.

Of course they do. How else would they listen to the radio?

(Actual question and answer with my daughter earlier this week. I got the eye roll. Mission accomplished.)

Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...

• “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
• “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
• “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
• “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
• “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
• “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
• “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
• “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
• “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
• “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
• “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”

...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”

Emission accomplished!

Two friends from Boston getting ready to go to a party, Mike and Doe. They decided to make a few large sized bowls of guacamole for the party since there were going to be several people there.

It took them some time to prep and make, but in the end they had about five punch bowl sized bowls of guac. Mike looked Proud of their accomplishment but his friend started to freak out.

"How are we going to get this to the party? We can't take the bus, or the sub, and we sure as hell can't walk all the way there! Mike what the hell are we going to do?"

And Mike said.

"It's ok, Avocado."

Im sitting in my bedroom just surfing while my wife give my girls a shower in the master bathroom.

So shower's over and Avery was whining that she was cold. After a long day of swimming, that whining turned into a temper tantrum. IM COLD!! IM REALLY COLD!!! over and over.

Calmly, I say, "Ave", she sobs "what", I say "IM REALLY DADDY, ITS NICE TO MEET YOU"

BOOM!! full blown screams and cries. Mission accomplished.

Paying additional money to access certain sites will give you a sense of pride and accomplishment.

...when I accidentally roll on her hand with my elbow. I apologized and she said "what if you broke it? How could do anything around the house?" To which i responded "I think you'd still be able to accomplish plenty ..singlehandedly". She groaned, "this is going to be end up on Reddit, isn't it..."

I slept on the couch. I regret nothing.

Her: "Ugh. 50 Cent?"

Me: "What? No, I'd be '2-Change.'"

She just walked away without saying anything after that. Mission accomplished.

Me, to my 11-year-old son: "If you date someone from the FBI but then you break up, are they now your Fed Ex"?

Son: "Nice DELIVERY, Dad."

I just got out-dadjoked by my son.

(Item 37 on bucket list accomplished.)

We were standing next to a group of teenagers when another kid walks up to them and says "Ayyyyyyy!" really loudly.

My dad does the dad thing and yells "B!" with the most accomplished look ever on his face.

Today was my youngest son's 18 month checkup and when the doctor came in the first thing he said was "please excuse my voice, I'm a little hoarse". Without hesitation I said "you don't look like one".

He just looked at me for a second and then laughed. My wife hid her face in her hands. Mission accomplished. If only my son were old enough to know what happened.

I work as a server at a large chain restaurant (Applebee's), and got an old man at one of my tables tonight.

Old guy: I'll take a salad, Caesar.

Me: You can just call me Jeff

He grinned for about 10 seconds before chuckling, and I even got his wife and granddaughter laughing with it. Mission accomplished.

It was quiet the accomplishment.

First text from Dad:

"Son, I'd like to make three points."

After about 5 minutes of waiting nervously to hear what I did wrong I receive this text:

"..."

Followed by, "Hope you're having a good Wednesday son :)" His mission was accomplished.

A group of like 5 girls were coming through the department and asked me where the cabbage was, so i took them to it and when they said thank you i pointed to the lettuce and said, "Sure thing. LETTUCE know if you need anything else." One laughed and the others groaned. I felt quite accomplished.

Tonight, my dad is barbecuing salmon for dinner. In order to barbecue this salmon, he needs to first put it in warm water in the dishpan so that it can thaw. However, my mom is using the dishpan, and it's full of water, so he has to wait for her to be done.

Shortly thereafter, she's done with the dishpan and goes to the door to go outside and throw the water on the plants. Only problem: the door is closed. So the following exchange occurs.

>Mom: Hey dad, can you grab the door for me?

>Dad: OK. grabs door handle really hard HNNNNNNG

>Mom: ಠ_ಠ

>Dad: grunting with effort I'm doing this for you, dear!

>Mom: Can you... open the door for me, dear?

>Dad: Oh. opens door What did you think that was going to accomplish, anyway?