I was thinking of going as a bandaid this Halloween, but then decided against it.
I find it really hard to pull it off.
If you fell off a ladder, what would you fall against?
After many years of therapy, my psychologist has finally cured me of the desire to sit in the corner in public and blow on people that walk by! But now I have the urge to wear teen idol t-shirts and lean against the wall...
Long time fan, first time poster.
Why are Trump supporters so against shredded cheese?
They want to make America grate again.
Johnny Depp has lost his case against The Sun newspaper even with evidences
Hard to win if Amber is Heard and Johnny is not
What do you call someone who discriminates against aliens?
If you get hit in the face, the home treatment is to hold a raw steak against it to reduce swelling...
...it does more than meats the eye.
I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.
“What are you doing, dad?”
I sigh a long, heavy sigh.
“Not much, just feeling board.”
Did you know: in boxing, it’s extremely important to have perfect form when going against a new fighter...
because the fist impression is everything.
What can a hip hop battle rapper use for protection against the harshest rhymes?
I received a verifiable threat against my Boston cream pie
So I had it placed in protective custardy
What do you call a rugby player who took doping to gain an edge against his opponents?
What do you call racism against Asians?
I hate arguing against circular reasoning
Why are the Jedi against dissolving crustaceans in acid?
Only a Sith deals in crab solutes.
I made a discovery in my attic that my evil house is plotting against me...
I discovered the floor plans!
I promised my classmate I’d stay totally still whilst he did his maths homework against my back.
“Good” he said, “because I’m counting on you”.
I can’t win arguments against sharp knives
They’ve always got the best points
My brother, the pro baseball pitcher, told me about the time he intentionally walked every player on the opposing team as a protest against unfairness in life...
That took a lot of balls.
The chickens are starting to rebel against humanity.
When the third zero came up, I promptly bet my money against another one appearing...
...and quickly lost everything.
It was all four naughts.
When you roll in from a night out but you're tyred so you just sit down in the garden slumped against the wall
They are discussing bringing in fruit to use against the protesters!
Next wave of enforcement will be Apricops
I left the hospital against medical advice...
What do you call a crocodile who fought against Germany in world war II?
Did you know it was against the law to let your long hair to cross over into someone else's property?
Yeah, that is called tress-passing.
(Especially when your neighbor stresses over your tresses.)
So I wanted to marry a muskmelon against my family's will
Unfortunately I cantaloupe
Going against the grain here
Chinese takeout: $15.00
Gas to get there: $1.50
Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes...
Riceless
Against my better judgement, I ordered a European bride. When I called and asked how long I'd have to wait, they told me...
"The Czechs in the mail."
I decided against a demonstration on how glasses are manufactured.
I realised it would make a spectacle
Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.
They said it would make business plunge.
I’m against picketing
but I don’t know how to show it
I stubbed my toe against a gold bar
My friend Dante was a big fan of PETA, but then decided to protest against them.
Did you hear about the penny that was forced to do something against its will?
It did not give con cent.
Tomorrow night the Reindeer will be working for Santa against their will...
They've been forced into sleighvery.
Why don’t people take action against global warming?
Some people just want to watch the world burn
What does the fish say when he swims against a wall?
My dad being a dad while playing Cards Against Humanity
SFW: https://imgur.com/Yg6JRDJ
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Why did the milk get a restraining order against the grocer?
It said he was a stocker.
A lawyer and a law maker had been in an argument for several years, escalating into a bet to see who would break the law first. The lawyer then found himself in a trial against the law maker.
The law maker was outlawed.
I never gamble against cattle farmers
They're too good at raising steaks
I lost a court case against a fabric softener
I fought Lenor and Lenor won!
The maffia does not discriminate against mob bosses who date both men and women.
They let bi-Dons be bi-Dons.
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