Upon Puns

Once upon a time there were numerous tribes in a jungle. Each tribe struggled to survive, and over time and as skills evolved, tribes began to trade goods with each other. One tribe learned the skills of architecture, and traded designs for safe grass houses with neighboring tribes for other necessities, such as food. Over time, the tribe grew quite rich, and without the need for goods the chief of the tribe demanded payment in the form of a tribute, an ornate throne. Over time the number of thrones the chief owned grew more and more numerous, so he had a great multi-story grass house built to store all of his thrones. One day, the weight of the thrones became so much the house collapsed, killing the chief. The moral of the story is… wait for it…

He who lives in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

'rice and shine, it's new hay!'

So I'm proud to say I made my first dad joke not even 5 min after my son way born.

After he came out, the doctor weighed my son. Doctor said "wow look at the size of those hands!".

Which I had to reply instantly " you know what they say about babys with big hands eh?!?" .... "big gloves" !!

To whole room cracked up and my women just sighed and said. "Really.."

My 10 year old son: Don't worry, it's not a big dill. My wife while looking at me: -.-

I think it'll be called The Trying Times.

The Secret Room Service

I've used it before and it works. It's the perfect icebreaker.

In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.

-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.

(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)

.......His condition is now known to be 'Stable'

Doctor: What's the problem?

Me: I'm a moth.

Doctor: Excuse me?

Me: I'm a moth.

Doctor: Maybe you should see a psychiatrist not a dentist.

Me: I went to the psychiatrist about an hour ago.

Doctor: Then what are you doing here?

Me: Your light was on.

"Good-pie"

The practitioner uttered through a smile, “just what the doctor ordered”.

2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.

As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.

3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.

Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, “Now we are even.”

The lab clerk says “I thought you wanted a beakers dozen!”

Oh wait don't worry the joke has been postponed

They said I was weaving all over the road.

It was a very pivotal moment

The lumberjack grinned and said: “And you will dialogue.”

At the ball were many important people, well above the setup’s class. There was Original Content, Reposts, and even a couple from Google Searches for ‘Dad Jokes Nobody Knows’.

Just seeing them made his mouth dry, so he began looking for something to drink. He knew his friend Joke was there somewhere, part of the crew catering the food and drinks. Seeing a server carrying glasses of champagne, he went up to him and asked,

“Would you know where to find the one they call the Joke? He’s supposed to be running drinks I think,”

“Yeah! For sure. He’s right over there! You’ll find him at the end of the punch line,”

So I told him to shove off.

Now I drink all alone.

Ah, Mice.

He replies, "Arkansas".

Well I’ll be damned.

“You finally found it, my secret stache”

It was a fibula.

"Yeah, I guess I could be a repost," said the other new joke.

But this really calls for it.

Moments later an animal kissed me, that’s when I realized he’d said the Alpaca lips would soon be upon me.

A two, Brute?

I responded, "It's none of your bee's knees."

The task always saps my strength.

Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."

Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish".

He feinted.

The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!"