Why couldn't Sam ever get along with his Father's sister, Ithesis?
π︎ 8
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︎ May 03 2021
Why did Harry Potter get along well with Postmen?
It's because he spoke parcel-tongue.
π︎ 38
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︎ Apr 30 2021
I donβt get along with car keys...
Theyβre always trying to start something
π︎ 11
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︎ May 03 2021
Every time we go to the putting green, my friend has to bring along a bag of Pringles to munch on...
He always wants to practice his chipping.
π︎ 5
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.
Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.
"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.
"Yeah? What?" She responded.
"Was that you?" I called back.
After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"
I could not stop laughing.
π︎ 8
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.
π︎ 17
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︎ Apr 03 2021
If you don't laugh, Moooooove along ;)
π︎ 48
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︎ Feb 24 2021
My coworker : My Zodiac sign is Libra ; I want everyone to get along.
Me : I'm a Cancer ; While nobody wants me, I still grow on them.
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Why don't mushrooms always get along?
They like to shiitake other.
π︎ 7
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︎ Mar 21 2021
A man was walking along a stream..
... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.
Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.
He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.
His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.
Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.
This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.
The moral of this story?
Don't judge a brook by it's clover.
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︎ Mar 02 2021
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
π︎ 260
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Moove Along Nothing to see here
π︎ 24
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︎ Jan 16 2021
My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"
I said "Because you're Russian me."
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︎ Dec 20 2020
Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.
She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 18 2020
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, thereβs a long break in the ledge they canβt cross. βSomething for this I have.β Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yodaβs hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yodaβs garden.
βSomething I have for this.β Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yodaβs home, where Yoda looks through his bag. Heβs used all his forks but one, he discovers.
βThatβs ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. βIβll write us a note reminding us to buy more.β
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
βMaster Yoda!β he asks. βWhat did I do wrong?β
Yoda replies sagely, βA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!β
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︎ May 04 2020
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
π︎ 14
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︎ Dec 13 2020
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
π︎ 16
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︎ Sep 09 2020
I just saw a stray dog with the Eiffel Tower stuck in his fur, along with Arc de Triumph and the Louvre...
...poor little guy, covered in Paris Sites.
π︎ 17
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︎ Nov 27 2020
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog shit on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one:
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 27 2020
Why did the horses get along so well?
They were in a stable relationship
π︎ 8
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︎ Nov 13 2020
3 and 5 seem to no get along.
They seem to be at odds with each other.
π︎ 26
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︎ Oct 14 2020
Two morons were walking along a narrow bridge
Itβs very windy so the big one falls off, the little one manages to make it across only because he was a little moron (more on)
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 05 2020
He was renting the Tardis all along
π︎ 2k
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︎ Jan 14 2020
Why do vegan rappers get along with each other so well?
Because they donβt have beef.
π︎ 19
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︎ Oct 20 2020
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines
π︎ 13
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︎ Oct 23 2020
True Story - I saw a guy walking along with two huge mattresses strapped to his rucksack...
...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 14 2020
Why was the mushroom brought along?
Seemed like a fungi to be around.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 04 2020
Why couldnβt the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
π︎ 50
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︎ Mar 21 2020
What do you call a musical group of criminals that travels around the country but only along the outline of the country's border?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jun 27 2020
A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.
Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"
Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"
Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"
Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."
π︎ 25
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︎ Jul 16 2020
I thought I would never be able to sing along with other person
But, in the end, I was able to duet.
π︎ 25
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︎ May 25 2020
2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:
This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.
π︎ 337
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︎ Dec 26 2019
If the government included a clutch of baby chickens along with the stimulus funds...
Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?
π︎ 16
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︎ May 03 2020
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...
" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "
π︎ 10
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︎ Jun 29 2020
I went camping in my backyard last night, bringing along my tablet to watch Pulp Fiction.
I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".
π︎ 12
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︎ May 30 2020
I just saw a ship builder hit a guy with a structure that runs along the center of a ship's bottom...
He keeled the other fellow just like that!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
It's easy to get along with meteorites.
They're really down to Earth.
π︎ 122
π
︎ Nov 24 2019
Why can't Windows Active Directory Servers ever get along?
Because they were born with Trust Issues..
(facepalm)
I know.. I know.. IT Nerd DadJoke...
I'll see my way out and go back into the server room where I belong..
π︎ 8
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︎ May 06 2020
I was bobbin along and saw this.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 02 2019
Vegetarians always get along
They never have beef with each other!
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 24 2020
I love horror movies. I considering bringing along a DVD while I traveled the world.
But then I knew that'd be taking It too far.
π︎ 4
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︎ Apr 15 2020
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?
Itβs because they look up to me.
π︎ 42
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︎ Dec 09 2019
Why don't hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
π︎ 160
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︎ Jun 12 2019
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park
Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...
Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?
Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.
The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...
Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?
Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head
This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...
Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH
Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block
π︎ 188
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︎ Mar 29 2019
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
π︎ 338
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
As I get older and I remember all the people Iβve lost along the wayβ¦
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasnβt for me after all.
π︎ 36
π
︎ May 16 2020
I canβt get along with my car keys
Theyβre always starting something
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 13 2020
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
π︎ 180
π
︎ Mar 13 2019
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