My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
I have been asking around what the lowest rank in the Army is, but no one would tell me.
Apparently it is private.
I hadn’t used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I don’t mean to brag but this is the single greatest post I’ve ever made on reddit.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
The flat earth society has members all around the globe.
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I can’t see where I’m driving
A hole was discovered in the fence around the nudist camp.
Authorities are looking into it.
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.
She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Sorry I've been so quiet here today. I've been keeping a close eye on the local news. Apparently there's a lad going around stabbing people with knitting needles.
Police say he may be following a pattern.
Christmas is getting a little punny around here this year
Google is riding around on some CHROME rims
Saw an old man jumping around and waving his arms to get his neighbor’s attention.
He must’ve been at deaf’s door.
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Well.. We made another trip around the sun.
But it's the earth's rotation that really makes my day.
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.
Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
2 midgets are sitting around bored.
One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."
Can’t get my head around why Timpsons was closed today.
Surely they’re key workers?
My wife often uses the promise of raunchy sex to get little jobs done around the house.
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
Did you hear about the anarchist group who run around vandalizing Vietnamese restaurants?
They call themselves anti-pho
Are you someone who has to be around people all the time?
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
I’m at wedding and I’m very thirsty so I am walking all around the whole ballroom looking for something to drink.
I can’t find the punchline.
It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys. Girls develop boobies around the age of thirteen...
...and boys develop them around the age of forty…
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
Did you know that auditoriums are designed to have sound bounce around to the audience?
This doesn’t happen with pigeons, though. This is because a coo sticks
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
Not enough Christian furry cat puns around here.
Sitting around watching the birds crowd around the bird feeder,
My brother says, "Someone must have left a good Yelp review."
I said, "Yeah, somebody tweeted about it."
Why is leather armor the best armor to sneak around in?
Santa and the elves are drinking around the fire and one of the elves says:
“Santa: you’ve been around since the 4th century, seen alphabets and languages rise and fall. Do you have a favorite letter?”
Claus thinks about it, scratches his thick white beard and says: “A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
“Well Santa, I just asked for one. What does that mean?”
“And I gave you one! My favorite letter of the alphabet is the most Christmasy one out there! No-L!”
What do you call an ex-military rolling around in spices?
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can't part with it.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
The GPS told me to turn around.
But then i couldn't see where I was driving.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room. And then…
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