My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
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︎ Dec 01 2020
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
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︎ Sep 01 2020
I was at my parents house over the weekend. As a joke, I swapped all the labels around on their herbs and spices.
They havenβt noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...
He really keeps me on my toes.
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︎ Sep 08 2020
My dog happily chased a fly around the house, eventually nabbing it in one chomp.
I guess it's true: time's fun when you're having flies!
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︎ Aug 09 2020
All day long my cat lazes around the house, saying he is hurt. I told him to quit being a hypochondriac
but he just keeps saying "me ow"
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︎ Jun 10 2020
I made a small house with a cardboard box for the group of 10 ants running around in my room. Technically, I am now their landlord and they are my...
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︎ Jun 25 2020
I'm so bored, i was about to run around the house naked. But then i drank a bottle of windex...
It stopped me from streaking.
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︎ May 12 2020
I once knew a guy whose entire career was based around rating the best ceilings for different houses. Ever day he researched the available options and what was best and worst about them.
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︎ Oct 26 2019
Recently a lot of things around my house have gone missing, I think the birds are taking them
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︎ Nov 17 2019
I have big dreams about doing electrical work around the house, but my wife is the sensible one
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︎ Aug 30 2019
My kids are so obsessed with the lizard from the movie Tangled, we have over a thousand figures of it around the house...
Let me tell you keeping track of a kilo of Pascals is a lot of pressure
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︎ Jul 26 2019
There was a rumor around our neighbor that we aren't allowed to go to the house with the color blue
That's because it's not our property
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︎ Aug 19 2019
My 3yr old son told me there was a real dinosaur in the house! So we spent the morning looking for it when we saw a tail around the corner, but it was just a fossil-arm.
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︎ Jan 22 2019
What does Aquaman wear around the house?
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︎ Nov 29 2018
I've been walking around the house reflecting on my errors
Sorry, autocorrect... My mirrors
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︎ May 13 2019
I keep telling my boyfriend I don't want trash lying around the house
So he finally took the hint this morning and moved out.
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︎ May 11 2019
85 y/o married couple next door can hardly walk. I sometimes see them creeping around the bushes between the houses.
They're a pair of old, worn out sneakers.
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︎ Sep 22 2018
I was being shown around a house. "What are the dimensions of this room?" I asked the guy.
He said, "Height, width, and length."
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︎ Oct 11 2018
My wife told me I couldnβt do my flamingo impression around the house anymore.
Well, I finally had to put my foot down.
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︎ Feb 25 2019
My wife's friends are coming over, so she's said, "Don't walk around the house in your underwear."
I guess that gives me an excuse to be naked then.
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︎ Aug 24 2018
Palm oil is quite a handy thing to have around the house
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︎ Mar 20 2019
My girlfriend too leaves notes around the house.
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︎ Apr 12 2017
There is a German butcher shop that is just around the corner from my house that sells THE BEST sausages.
So every time I go there, it would appear I have taken a turn for the wurst.
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︎ Jan 21 2015
What do you call a potato that sits around the house watching videos online all day?
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︎ Jul 25 2016
My teenage daughter was walking around the house with her comforter over her head, wallowing in self-pity
I told her "sorry you're feeling down".
She said I'm stupid.
In other words, I won.
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︎ Feb 15 2016
My dad around the house very quietly...
And I have terrible hearing. Anytime he spooks me in the house.
Me "JESUS!
Dad " nope just me, dad."
Me glare "Never not funny pops."
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︎ Sep 03 2015
I came home to a string of pictures of Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz hung up around the house
my dad said it was a Judy Garland.
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︎ Dec 03 2015
Got my dad while working around the house today...
I was helping my dad hang up some towel racks in the bathroom. I turned on the stud finder and held up to my chest. When it beeped I looked my dad in the eyes and said "I think we've found a stud." He groaned, but I could tell he was proud of me.
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︎ Aug 10 2014
Figuring out what to do around the house
"I wanna wash the sheets"
"...but you can see them from here"
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︎ Jan 24 2015
My dad's go-to when asked to do things around the house.
Mom: "Hey dear, can you go do X?"
Dad: "I'm terribly sorry, but I can't. My arms have bones in them."
Dunno if it counts as a true dadjoke, but I always get a kick out of it when I'm around.
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︎ Apr 13 2015
Looking around the house for mom's phone...
My mom was looking for her phone and asked my dad, "Honey, can you call my phone?"
To which he started shouting, "Michelle's phone! Michelle's phone, where are you?!"
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︎ Mar 08 2014
My mom does the dad jokes around my house.
Ever since I can remember anytime my mom would ask me to do any kind of chore around the house I would always respond with "what are you going to pay me?" To which she has always replied "no attention"
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︎ Jun 06 2014
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