I believe I speak for almost all of us here
*Good morning
*Buenos dias
*Bonjour
*Guten Morgen
*Boungiorno
*Bom dia
*God morgon
*Selamat pagi
*Goedemorgen
*God morgen
*Dobroye utro
Almost as good as: One impeachment is bad. But two impeachments...
https://preview.redd.it/falrg08lsib61.jpg?width=955&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=ac42317a8818d67010ef24fcacbf368691df6f20
My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. It’s almost a full Heartland Rock set...
There's a dinner lady at our factory, who's almost seven feet tall.
She's our longest serving employee.
Called my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, could you please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?" She answered, "Yeah..."
"But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now!"
I decided to go on a vacation with my family. Almost all the hotel rooms were booked except one
It was our last resort...
Its almost the new year.
Hopefully 2021 would be better than last year, but at least we can say hindsight is 2020.
Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
The battle raged on for almost a yarrr
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
My almost 3 year old just dad joked my wife
My wife told my almost three year old son that they would be making Christmas cookies with frosting. My son then said he didn’t like frosting. When my wife asked why, he said it was because the frosting would “sting” him.
Frosting. Frost-sting.
I’m so proud of him.
These kitties love puns almost as much as napping, and the rise of the proletariat.
My dad after we almost hit a deer in the car the other day:
"You know, he's an expert in his field."
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.
Man, we’re almost out of crackers...
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
But both have same name(almost)
Almost non of my friends gets this joke
My transformation is almost complete
So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)
Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"
My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"
...Pls send help
I donated almost 50.000$ to a charity for mute children
They didn’t even say “Thank you”
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
Since his political career is almost over the US vice president is starting his own soda company.
It's called Pence-a-cola.
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
I almost got a double major in Mathematics and Agriculture
...but I couldn't pass cowculus.
Almost all garden gnomes have red hats
These comments where from a clip where someone cleaning at a foreign range almost gets hit by a stray bullet
What do you call a vegetable that is almost amazing?
I almost made a huge mistake applying to Rice University.
I'm really a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
Beauty and the Beast is a great story about a beast who is almost condemned to be stuck as a beast forever but gets...
I almost hit an invisible cow
Fortunately I was able to steer clear.
I almost failed in my yesterday's open book exam.
I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?
Summer’s almost here and I’m going to buy this really trendy fan
It’s going to be so cool 😎
Did you know that, while alive, Mozart composed symphonies in almost every major key?
Sadly, in death, he was relegated only to D-composition.
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile.
My how the stables have turned.
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
I almost failed out of cosmetology school.
So I had to take a few makeup classes.
I almost lost my moustache today.
But it was right under my nose.
Almost got arrested by the police.
They have found some Coke in my fridge.
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
I was so excited that 2020 is almost over.
Then I realized after 2021 is 2020 too.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
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