Eyelashes are supposed to keep things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's almost always an eyelash...
Last week I went to the gym almost every day ...
... almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday ...
My almost 3 year old just dad joked my wife
My wife told my almost three year old son that they would be making Christmas cookies with frosting. My son then said he didn’t like frosting. When my wife asked why, he said it was because the frosting would “sting” him.
Frosting. Frost-sting.
I’m so proud of him.
Man, we’re almost out of crackers...
The battle raged on for almost a yarrr
These kitties love puns almost as much as napping, and the rise of the proletariat.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said don’t forget your Baghdad.
But both have same name(almost)
My transformation is almost complete
So my wife is currently working from home and her employer decided to send her a hamper package in the mail. It was quite nice but pretty standard stuff. Wine, some cookies, crackers and also a bottle extra virgin olive oil (came with a cheese platter kit)
Wife was pretty happy about the fancy packaging and showed it to me saying "look they even sent extra virgin olive oil in this little fancy bottle for cheese platters!"
My response? "Aww that poor olive oil bottle never had sex? So sad!"
...Pls send help
I donated almost 50.000$ to a charity for mute children
They didn’t even say “Thank you”
I almost missed my cake day!
That would have been real crumby.
Edit: thanks for the gifts! I’ve never felt so kneaded.
*This is a literal Dad Joke my father used to tell when I was a kid about 30 years ago. He's almost 80 now and it still makes him laugh.* - So, there was this man named James Fart. Everybody made fun of him since he was very young. "James Fart! James Fart" the bullies used to make him cry...
He came of age among this suffering and at 21 was finally able to legally change his name. He arrived at the government office where he presented himself:
-I'm James Fart and I want to legally change my name!
Of course they laughed at him (everybody did) but eventually they all settled and came around to the situation.
-Ok, so... your current name is.. ·chuckles· James Fart... I'm sorry, I just...
-I know, everybody has been laughing at my name since as long as I can remember.
After a long and tedious process, everything is ready.
-Very well, sorry for the delays but you know how hard this protocols are. The good news: you are no longer "James Fart", what name do you want instead?
-Charles Fart.
Almost non of my friends gets this joke
I was so excited that 2020 is almost over.
Then I realized after 2021 is 2020 too.
I really wanted to be there for the birth of my child. I drove like an idiot and almost got into an accident. But when I reached the hospital, I found out it was all for nothing.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
Since his political career is almost over the US vice president is starting his own soda company.
It's called Pence-a-cola.
I almost got a double major in Mathematics and Agriculture
...but I couldn't pass cowculus.
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
What do you call a vegetable that is almost amazing?
Almost all garden gnomes have red hats
These comments where from a clip where someone cleaning at a foreign range almost gets hit by a stray bullet
I almost made a huge mistake applying to Rice University.
I'm really a meat and potatoes kind of guy.
Beauty and the Beast is a great story about a beast who is almost condemned to be stuck as a beast forever but gets...
I almost failed in my yesterday's open book exam.
I almost hit an invisible cow
Fortunately I was able to steer clear.
Summer’s almost here and I’m going to buy this really trendy fan
It’s going to be so cool 😎
This guy almost made me stop hating Comcast (very, very briefly)
I've been Internet hacking for almost thirty years, and now I want to give it up.
Can someone point me to an Anonymous Anonymous group?
Did you know that, while alive, Mozart composed symphonies in almost every major key?
Sadly, in death, he was relegated only to D-composition.
Back in the old days only the rich could afford automobiles while the common people had horses. Now only the richest have horses while almost everyone has an automobile.
My how the stables have turned.
Son: "Hey Dad, Happy 25th Anniversary. Jeez! Almost all my friend's parents are divorced. What did you have to do to stay married for this long?"
Almost got arrested by the police.
They have found some Coke in my fridge.
I almost failed out of cosmetology school.
So I had to take a few makeup classes.
I finally figured out why almost no one in my family finds my cheesy jokes and puns good.
They are all laughtose intolerant.
I almost lost my moustache today.
But it was right under my nose.
What do you call a woman that almost became a singer?
I've gained almost 20 pounds since the quarantine...
What do you call an almost impossible bubble?
Barbecued chicken is almost ready.
Almost got arrested for pouring myself a coffee this morning.
Geese fly in a V-formation for aerodynamics, and when the lead goose gets tired he switches out his position. But one side of the V is almost always longer than the other. Do you know why?
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
