I can't believe he gave up the lox, stocks and barrel.
That's hard to fathom
But he was so badly executed.
The icy ewe.
He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
POETRY!
"Do you want a piece of me?" I asked him.
It was D grating
Don’t worry I still have a tahini bit left
I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"
I was running late.
She really has the worst stutter ever.
It was a toilet brush with death.
One could say, it's a...PENDEMIC
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
At the time we were thinking of naming him Carson.
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable.
Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
I'll diluting.
Now I'm really scared of arson
It was out last resort.
The winner and the 9 runner ups: "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets"
- "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott
- "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones
- "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert
- "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith
- "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith
- "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff
- "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford
- "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons
- "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham
He had a narrow S cape.
Father working on the roof. Wind blows the ladder over.
Him - Well It3mUs3r, I guess this means I'm counting on you now!
Me - Don't worry Dad: I won't let you down!
I was Ruthless in my pursuit.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy duty.
We walked past a well-known tailor, they make fancy men's clothes and school uniforms to measure. She remarked on how she thought it must be an awful job. I saw my moment and it was glorious.
So I turned to her with barely contained glee and I said, "yeah, I'm sure it's tough but I bet it suits some people".
Him: Did you hear about the famous scientist who was also a father and a cannibal?
Me: confused stare
Him: Thomas Ate-his-son.
That’s the liver.....
Well you should, it's Remember Antz Day
My mom was talking to my dad about me while we were eating dinner. At some point she said, "She's my baby, Daddy!" To which my dad deadpan responded immediately with, "No, I'm your baby daddy."
I cringed so hard I very nearly shot the soda I was drinking out of my nose.
But it's just a crying shame none of them are called "Daddy Issues"
Because they're all cross bread.
Girlfriend: Have you heard of Sin city?
Me: Yeah, the movie?
Girlfriend: Nope, have you heard of Den city?
Me: No stop, I won't let you do this.
Girlfriend: It's mass over volume.
I think I'm in trouble for not letting her finish the joke
My dad: "I wonder what it is about water that makes people so dishonest?"
Backstory: I had bought a set of nice Nespresso coffee cups for my parents for Christmas (original, I know). But these aren't your standard, chunky, ceramic Christmas mugs with snowflakes or Santas, but actually something for the type of coffee fanatics that spend their money on Clooney's kind of blend, what else?
So - having dessert; cake, coffee, the whole shabang.
Me, inspecting one of said cups: "I'm glad I actually found a set that doesn't stay in the cupboard all year like literally every other mug you've ever gotten from anyone."
Mom, eating cake: "Mm-hmm."
Me: "Like, these are actually really nice. I like the pattern around the base and how they're round and square at the same time."
Mom, between bites: "They're very nice."
Suddenly, Dad, eating his cake completely silently up until this point: "You should take a picture of them. Might make for a pretty cool mugshot."
Cue me barely managing to swallow my coffee, Mom chuckling into her cup and both our subsequent groans
