Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.

Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AFonziScheme
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine she bought earlier was half empty

I told her because she is a pessimist.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.

Me: Wait. I can change.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the half-man half-snake boxing champ?

Goes by the name of Rocky Balboa Constrictor.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.

I was only dressed to the nines.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SadCornNoises
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I just bought a beautiful boat for half price.

It was on sail.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RayInRed
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you cut the ocean in half?

Use a sea saw!

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Spicoli0525
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
If the rapper 50 Cent was cut in half

Would be then be 2 quarters?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I'll admit, it was a half-baked idea
πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
My fart just wiped out half of new York.

It was a weapon of ass destruction

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45.

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the perfect name for a baby boy who’s half white, half Indian?

Rajer

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Winterhats
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?

The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gambitK9
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the CPU head up half an orchestra?

Because it's a semiconductor.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
🚨︎ report
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.

The dispatcher replied, β€œSo... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/st0len_meme
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Asked my 2 and a half year old what he wanted his name to be.

He pointed to the coffee table where we have a bag of candy and said "M&M!!!"

Guess I have to call him Slim Shady from now on...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thatguy3495
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Thousands of people have found the device that can cut their electric bills in half......

Scissors.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/denandbil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
I was very poor growing up. On my 10th birthday we bought half a cake with 5 candles.

We put it against a mirror.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Optimist: "That cup is half full."

Pessimist: "That cup is half empty." Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mikethelabguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex

Big mistake

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorman1982
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A mule is just a half-assed horse
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nartb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/stunner19
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Magician: "Now, I'll cut this woman in half."

Me: "Why turn one problem into two?"

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the half-blind man fall into a well?

He couldn't see that well.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Little_ivory_fox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I studied Morse code so I could tap out dad jokes with my ham radio, but I only learned half of the code.

So I'm no expert at it, just a pundit.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shu-di
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my blonde g/f, "What do you call a creature that is half man and half animal?"

In a flash she said, "Buffalo Bill."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: I'm sorry but we have to remove half of your colon

Me; What?

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gssn-nospace
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
TIL that AL Gore created a problem-solving program that did complex calculations once every half-second.

It was an AL Gore rhythm.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/frexyincdude
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My half brother is 6ft 3inches...

Just imagine if he was a full brother.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What is a half-life fan's favorite piece of farm equipment?

A combine.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The-Doom_Slayer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 135
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SynchronizeHS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
In which era did the half demon bloods exist?

Medieval era

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.

Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?

He was beside himself

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wyatt1313
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Always Half Bins!
πŸ‘︎ 112
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PurplePowerE
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
After a half century of study, I’ve discovered the true connection between mind and body.

It’s the neck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pauldeanbumgarner
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
It’s my half birthday.
πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simplysydney22
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife got me today. Me, I'm making pound cake. I'm going to half the recipe

Her... so your making half a pound cake?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jrobertson50
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
It would’ve been really dark if, when Snape was dying, Harry had said β€œnow you’re really the half-blood prince”.

Because he only had half his blood left

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wnlm
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

πŸ‘︎ 345
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought a boat half price...

It was on sail.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you split the ocean in half?

With a sea saw

πŸ‘︎ 341
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.

Because sin90 = cot45

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a boat half price...

It was on sail.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.

It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AshamedTurtwig
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report

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