Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine she bought earlier was half empty
I told her because she is a pessimist.
Her: I’m leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
Did you hear about the half-man half-snake boxing champ?
Goes by the name of Rocky Balboa Constrictor.
I had to finish the last half of my golf match naked.
I was only dressed to the nines.
I just bought a beautiful boat for half price.
I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.
How do you cut the ocean in half?
If the rapper 50 Cent was cut in half
Would be then be 2 quarters?
I'll admit, it was a half-baked idea
My fart just wiped out half of new York.
It was a weapon of ass destruction
If you commit 90 sins, you will only get caught half the time.
What’s the perfect name for a baby boy who’s half white, half Indian?
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention..... ill see myself out
Why did the CPU head up half an orchestra?
Because it's a semiconductor.
A man called 911 after his 76 year old mother wandered out of the family home during the night. When asked what she had been wearing and if she had any personally identifying features about her, he advised she was barefoot, half naked and had a visible scar from her hysterectomy.
The dispatcher replied, “So... no shirt, no shoes, no cervix?”
Do u know how the roman empire was cut in half?-------How?-------With a pair of Caesars!!!!
Asked my 2 and a half year old what he wanted his name to be.
He pointed to the coffee table where we have a bag of candy and said "M&M!!!"
Guess I have to call him Slim Shady from now on...
Thousands of people have found the device that can cut their electric bills in half......
I was very poor growing up. On my 10th birthday we bought half a cake with 5 candles.
We put it against a mirror.
Optimist: "That cup is half full."
Pessimist: "That cup is half empty."
Engineer: "Why are we making the cups so big?"
Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex
A mule is just a half-assed horse
You had me in the first half, not gonna lie.
Magician: "Now, I'll cut this woman in half."
Me: "Why turn one problem into two?"
Why did the half-blind man fall into a well?
He couldn't see that well.
I studied Morse code so I could tap out dad jokes with my ham radio, but I only learned half of the code.
So I'm no expert at it, just a pundit.
I asked my blonde g/f, "What do you call a creature that is half man and half animal?"
In a flash she said, "Buffalo Bill."
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
I know it's hard to believe, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
Doctor: I'm sorry but we have to remove half of your colon
TIL that AL Gore created a problem-solving program that did complex calculations once every half-second.
It was an AL Gore rhythm.
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
My half brother is 6ft 3inches...
Just imagine if he was a full brother.
What is a half-life fan's favorite piece of farm equipment?
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.
I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.
In which era did the half demon bloods exist?
I got into this huge fight with my chiropractor half way through my neck massage.
Now I have to keep looking over my shoulder.
How did the worm feel after getting cut in half?
After a half century of study, I’ve discovered the true connection between mind and body.
My wife got me today. Me, I'm making pound cake. I'm going to half the recipe
Her... so your making half a pound cake?
It would’ve been really dark if, when Snape was dying, Harry had said “now you’re really the half-blood prince”.
Because he only had half his blood left
My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
I bought a boat half price...
How do you split the ocean in half?
If you commit 90 sins, you will get caught about half the time.
I bought a boat half price...
I can cut a piece of wood in half with my eyes.
It’s true I saw it with my own eyes.
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