What has five toes but isn't your foot?
My foot.
Edit: Thanks a lot guys for the awards and upvotes. ;) :)
Proud dad moment: My five year old and I were discussing Halloween candy. I told him I like Kit-Kats.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
A man went to the doctor’s and told him, “I feel like such a failure. All five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up.”
He said, “Wow, that’s the worst case of parking son’s disease I’ve ever seen.”
The twelve days of Jokemas, day five
Why was the cookie sad?
His mother was a wafer so long
"There are five types of people..." *holds up two fingers *
Those who understand roman numerals, and those who don't...
A father was reading a story to his five year old son.
His son asked him why the book was so fat. The father replied "It's a long story"
Authorities are searching for a four-foot tall woman who recently escaped from prison in upstate New York. She was serving a five year sentence for fraud after convincing a number of victims that she was a powerful psychic.
Now she's a small medium at large.
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.
The executioner left him hanging.
So today my five-year-old daughter made me proud...
She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"
What do you call a five year old's to do list?
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
Don't try to high five an executioner....
They'll leave you hanging.
Why should you never ask a Klan member for a high five?
Because they always leave you hanging.
A man named six gave his friends three and five some chocolate bars. Three got 7 chocolate bars and five got eight of them. Three was upset he had less than five did, and five was sad that his friend was sad, so he asked six if three could have another chocolate bar.
He gave one to three for five
My five year old daughter, wearing a Sleeping Beauty dress, casually playing with Legos: "ROAR ROAR ROARRRR!"
Me: "Are you roaring at me or is that a Lego monster?"
Her: "Its me."
Me: "Why are you roaring at me?"
Her: "Because I'm Aurora!"
My five year old daughter, everyone. She came up with that on her own. I've never felt more proud!
my five year old just told me that he wasn't finished his yawn...
... i told him his yawn was expired.
(sadly, he didn't get it)
I ate five cans of alphabet soup yesterday
And this morning I had a huge vowel movement.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 now and we don't know where in the world she is!
I got picked for this five-day-a-week, year-long sleep study. It pays $15,000 a month.
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.
And suddenly I’m the idiot....
How can two plus two be five?
My friend is annoyed because his dog keeps trying to pick fights with dogs five times his size.
I told him he shouldn’t have adopted that Cocky Spaniel.
If two's company & three's a crowd, what are four & five?
My friend dumped a five hundred pound load of pig intestines on his boss's desk in protest...
I told my friend his ‘hundred eggs in five days’ diet made me deathly ill.
He told me that was an eggsaturation.
My five year old son ’s dad in training comment when asked “what’s your address?”
Dad, I’m not a girl, I don’t wear dresses!
A friend offered to sell me their TV for five bucks but said the volume dial was broken.
When is five bucks a lot?
It's my b'day today, the big five oh.
As my son have me my 50th birthday card, I said " You know, i would have been happy with one"
😁😆😅🤣😂🙃
If you ask for a high five while holding up both hands and they hit both...
Slap them and say "Here's your change"
My daughter came up to me and gave me a high five, then smiled and walked away
Without giving me a bye five. :(
I haven’t pooped in five days.
But I don’t feel shitty about it.
Got up this morning and ran around the block five times
Then I got tired so I picked up the block and put it back in the toy box!
Five out of four people admit they're bad with
What has four letters, sometimes has nine, and never has five
You need to give your penis a high five
You don't wanna leave it hanging
FIVE had Iron deficiency.
After attempting for five hours to get this fence post to stand upright, I've finally realized
Yoda: Why was Five afraid of Seven?
(Me reading to my five-year-old) The leopard slug eats dead plants and fungi, but also hunts other slugs.
(Five-year-old) I'm a fun guy, so they would eat me.
Great, just got kicked out of the karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times.
Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of attempted Loggins.
The first five florists I called today knew absolutely nothing about laying carpet or tile.
And suddenly I’m the idiot.....
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
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