Why was 4 afraid to ask out 5?
Because he was 2 squared.
A buddy of mine named his dog “5 Miles” so he could tell people he walked 5 miles
But today he ran over 5 Miles
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
My 5 year old got me with this one:
5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Me: Why?
5yo: To get to the dummy's house.
Me:...
5yo:...
Me:...
5yo: Knock Knock.
Me: Who's there?
5yo: The chicken.
It's a 5-minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 35-minute walk from the pub to my house
The difference is staggering
How do you buy a cat, if the pet store is closed.( Made by my 5 year old niece)
You buy it from the cat-alogue
My wife tested my knowledge of common household herbs, and I’m happy to say I got 4 out of 5 right.
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
It’s a 5 minute walk from my home to the local pub...
...and it’s a 30 minute walk from that pub back home.
The difference is staggering.
Three things Christ promises he will never do: Won't leave you broken-hearted (Psalm 147:3), won't reject you (John 6:37), and won't leave you nor forsake you (Hebrews 13:5).
In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering
Out-dadded by my 5 y/o niece
I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.
My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."
Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."
I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, occasionally has 12 letters, always has 6 letters, and never has 5 letters.
But nothing tops a cheese pizza.
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
At the age of 65, my Grandma started walking 5 miles a day.
She's 92 now. We have no idea where she is.
Not to brag, but I beat our local chess champion in less than 5 moves yesterday.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
Day 5 of my wife's Dadvent calendar!
Asked my friends if they could drink 5 litres of fuel and not be sick. Turned out.....
I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow.
Eating lunch when my 5 year old hits me with this
Me: good grief in full
5 year old: Hi Full, I'm Miriam!
Never been so proud of her in my life.
My 5 year old daughter: What is a ghost’s favorite day?
Boosday
I’m so proud. She was laughing so much!
The wife looked concerned when my son showed an interest in electricals at the age of 5.
He asked about the neutral wire.
I said "don't worry, its just a phase."
My 5 year old came up with this one. What is a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
My 3.5 year olds favourite joke: how do the oceans say hello to each other?
What has 5 toes, but isn’t your foot?
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, “Dad get out of the way!”
I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
I saw a guy walk into a store and buy 5 smoke machines, so I called the cops.
He must be in some extreme mist group.
I just ended a 5 year old relationship.
Good thing it wasn't mine.
You know, 5 is very strange
As a number it's quite odd
Why couldn't Handel lend $5 to Beethoven?
I was working my 9-5 at the paint supply warehouse, I just asked my boss for a raise
He handed me a ladder and asked if that was good enough
I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I also...
...had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...
EXTREMELY proud of my 5 year old son for this uninentional one:
Son: Dad...we need a net.
Me: Why?
Son: To catch our flight.
My friend and his girlfriend have been together for 5 years, but I have never heard either of them tell a joke.
They are in a very serious relationship.
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Yesterday I got in a fight with 1,3,5,7, and 9
The odds were not in my favor
My 5 year old just got me with this one: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?
I ran over 5 miles today
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.
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