Bought a litre and a half of White-Out/Tipp-Ex

Big mistake

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gorman1982
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my blonde g/f, "What do you call a creature that is half man and half animal?"

In a flash she said, "Buffalo Bill."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
He was sentenced to drinking spruce tea or leaving for 6 months because he was teaching the youth how to be passive-aggressive. His disciple Playdoh wrote half a screenplay about him before giving up and finding a real job.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NRGFalcon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
After a half century of study, I’ve discovered the true connection between mind and body.

It’s the neck.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pauldeanbumgarner
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

πŸ‘︎ 131
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SynchronizeHS
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was going on an illegal half marathon yesterday and the cops caught me.

I decided to run

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dizzie222
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when your sister steps on your foot and breaks your toe in half?

That's mitosis

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRedGandalf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the watchmaker who is half Spanish and half Irish?

His name is Juan O'Clock

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UntamablePig
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a doctor who is half man and half horse?

A centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peach_problems
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
🚨︎ report
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine

That made him the centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billyboogie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A half, a third, and a sixth all walk into a bar...

The bartender sees them and immediately yells at the bouncer, β€œHey!! Stop putting wholes in my bar!!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendairySauce
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Sean Connery watch Two and a Half Men on mute?

Because Charlie should be sheen and not heard.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HallLAD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!

Turns out it was a total sham

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Guru_in_flannel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I just had an half hour argument with my 5 year old about the importance of wearing pants in public, and she won.

So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
At the restaurant, my family was nearly finished eating and I still had half a plate of food left. The waitress asked, "Do you wanna box for that?"

I replied, "No thanks, I'd rather wrestle for it!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
The czech government month and a half ago...
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/This-Is-De-Wae
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Can anyone explain why last night’s Oscars were only a minute and a half?

I didn’t watch but heard something on the news about the 92nd Oscars ceremony last night.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman tripped and fell off the balcony and had been cut in half. Still conscious, she was quickly rushed to the hospital...

Manager: what did the doctor say to the woman’s family? Me: after thinking ...yea I’m not sure Manager: β€œshe was ALL RIGHT.” Me: oh, I thought you were going to say β€œThere’s nothing LEFT.” The manager at work got a kick out of that because that was an answer he has never gotten before lol figured I’d post it here.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slammin_Salmon94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I taught my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
🚨︎ report
An englishman, a frenchman, an african and a half-japanese man all order iced tea

It was very bizarre.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotEye9
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I just drew a really cool picture, it's half mouse and half elf

Sorry to boast, but I'm just feeling really proud of mouse-elf

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,

I just like to drink it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullshotz1324
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
For years I told my daughter she was 1/2 Human & 1/2 Mermaid ... but that her bottom half was human, and her top half was mermaid.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HUMANPHILOSOPHER
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
🚨︎ report
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.

The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.

She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"

She answered, "THE TEETH!"

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Just made up my 1st dad joke, that I can think of after being a father for 3 and a half years.

I'm pushing my shopping cart to the cart corral after this loading my car with groceries. This lady is walking to the store and asks "Is that a good one" I says "yeah, I just had her tuned up" and then " it runs pretty smooth". All I got was a smile from her but I couldn't stop laughing on the inside myself.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rnembrane
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm half Irish and half Jewish, so...

I'm drinking if you're buying

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/touchrubfeels
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
🚨︎ report
My father had a stroke last night. While he was in his bed in the ER with slurred speech and half his face paralyzed, the nurse comes in and asks, "So, what brings you here tonight?"

"The ambulance", he says.

πŸ‘︎ 767
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigPapiC-Dog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Im gonna start making batting cage business that only accepts pennies, dimes,quarters, half dollars, and dollar coins

Gonna call it Nickel-less Cage

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boxymcboxbox
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you eat when your Pop Tarts get stuck and break in half in the toaster?

Top Parts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WesleySnopes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My father pointed at these boots at the store today and told me 'they're half off'. Thought this deserved to be here.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thicc_boi37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone cut a periodic table in half and the while neighborhood exploded

Shouldn’t have been splitting atoms

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RoYaL_Lucifer69
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Hairy plotter and the half-assed prints
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tobi_1989
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.

His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vandorbelt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
🚨︎ report
What's half way between good and evil?

Medival

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DitMasterGoGo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Son: β€œDad, are you alright?” Dad: β€œNo, I’m half left and half right.” Happy Father's day!
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gauravvaria93
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
If I was cut in half and thrown out of a plane, You could say...

I'm falling two pieces.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awssjay
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Mom said we’re out of half and half

So I went and got one

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/____okay
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was tuning a guitar. While doing this one of the stings snapped in half perfectly. I took one half and stretched It out. I managed to get it on. One problem though. As soon as I played it shot straight to the ceiling.

I’d never heard or seen such a high note.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blueparasites
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I bleached half my hair about 6 months ago and I drive a Corolla. Corolla de Vil?
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlytherinAhri
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Statistically, if you take the entire population of the US and cut them in half

they’ll die.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReddicaPolitician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I hit a man and i broke half his nose,

U could call me thanose.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/azwsd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who is half iron and half male?

Fe-male

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
In Greek mythology, Chiron was half man, half horse. He had knowledge and wisdom in medicine.

You could say he was the centaur for disease control

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jxwtf585
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I am teaching my kid speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish β€œHarry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.

I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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