It was a far-thing!
I really hope he eats his words.
Theyβre just going against the grain
But he made do.
I woke up exhausted!
He was soda pressing.
Edit: better (Hawaiian) punch line
It probably ran on Python
Credit: u/FriendofHolySpirit
At our bowling league today one of the lanes we were bowling on stopped working. Someone said "It looks like lane 6 is dead". So I looked at my dad and brother and said "I guess we should notify its next of pin."
All I got were sighs...
It was a close shave
They were all iCharts
It sounded paneful.
...did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?β
(Background: βSansβ is the name of a character in a video game.)
me: If Sans were playing DβnβD and rolled a critical hit, would that be a βsans-critβ?
child: Please donβt talk to me.
They found him in stable condition.
There was stiff competition.
My uncle posted a status that his wife finally got granted citizenship:
Uncle: Today, Mrs. [wife] is an American citizen! She is now legally allowed to waste food, hate foreigners and accept Jesus as lord and savior
Dad: And bear arms... can't forget that part.
Uncle: She doesn't have bear arms... she shaves.
(No offense intended)
Saw this today thought I'd share it
At work today, a friend of mine came in with two dried Carolina Reaper peppers. If you aren't familiar with these bad boys, they are hotter than Lucifer's testicles themselves. 2.2 Million Scoville units. Two times hotter than the ghost pepper.
To put it into perspective, a jalapeno is about 5000 scoville units. This one was 2.2 fucking million.
Anyway. I walked past my buddy's desk and he asked if I wanted some of the pepper.
OF COURSE I DID!!!
He gave me 1/4 of one of these little peppers and he even dared me to chew it for 15 seconds before swallowing. Which I did. To say that my mouth felt like the burning hemorrhoids of satans budding asshole would be a vast understatement.
One of the girls who sat near my buddy looks at me -- pacing back and forth around the room, sweating, crying -- and she says:
>"Cane-Dewey, are you alright!?"
I could barely breathe let alone speak. But through all the pain and angush, I still managed to mutter out:
>"No, I'm half left.
Val: Hi Ray, it's Val here.
Ray: Hi Val here it's Ray!
Val: Erm oh (pause) is Mary there please?
Ray: Yes Val here, I will just pass you over to her.
Seriously I hate my dad sometimes. At what age does it become acceptable for your humour to deteriorate to this?
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick...
Girlfriend: "And here comes Mr. Fred too."
Me: "But I haven't even seen Mr. Fred one yet."
