My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.
I said because she is a pessimist.
How many books can you fit into an empty backpack?
One. Because after that it’s not empty anymore.
I went to a supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, but all the shelves were empty.
There was literally nothing Dubai.
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"
[At the therapist] Me: Doc, I have a crippling fear of big, empty spaces.
Therapist: A void?
Me: That’s good advice. Thanks.
Me: "The cemetery looks quite empty."
My dad: "People must be dying to get in."
My billy goat used to eat empty cans of adhesive..
But now he’s glue tin free.
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there’s not a single person there
I really love big empty whiteboards!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
A guy walks into an empty bar...
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
What do you call a hand sanitizer station that's empty?
A hand sani-teaser....
....
....
Because you think you're going to get your hand sanitized, but you don't, cause it's empty, so it's teasing you...
Yeah?
Yeah?
aww....
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."
"You need to buy a different size bra!"
What does a dumb empty wallet lack?
Two dogs were walking down an empty highway. One of them stopped and defecated in the middle of the road.
When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, “Clean up that mess.”
The other dog sniffed the pile and said, “Nope. That’s your asphalt!”
Did you hear about the app that helps you find empty churches?
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them
but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!
A man walks into an empty bar, with just the bartender present
He sits down and orders a beer
Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.
Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"
Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"
The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"
Empty change machine, broken skunk, the year 2020...
Bird feeder is empty.
Anticipating nasty tweets.
Right now everyone in Cleveland is taking social distancing very seriously. Even the walkway around the lake is empty
"I walked into a zoo, it was empty and only has a dog"
I paid five cents for a dad joke, but it turned out to be an empty, derivative imitation, overly commercialized and lacking any real soul or talent.
Now I want my Nickelback.
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,
My utility belt is empty...
Now it's just a waist of space.
[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinsel— DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): “Little more on here.” DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...
...”MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!”
My dad goes to Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : "Chips for the poor favor"
He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...
I said I don't have too many loose screws.
She smiled.
A King has 3 cups. The first 2 are full and the 3rd is empty. What is the King's name?
My daughter and I had Chinese food for lunch. She was disappointed when her cookie was empty inside.
I told her “that’s unfortunate”.
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces
I was trapped between 2 empty shelves when the grocery closed for the evening...
I was stranded in a deserted aisle...
Did you hear about the store giving away empty batteries? They were free of charge?
I left the general store empty handed
I was looking for something specific
I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
Sometimes it is too easy... Friend: What a ripoff! My fortune cookie is empty. Me: It is not a rip-off, just un-fortune-ate.
To the guy that found my empty wallet.
I don’t know how to repay you.
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.
But what if they run out of children?
A guy offered me a empty shopping cart and said “left some gas in it for you.”
What does an empty room and a room full of married people have in common?
You can’t find a single person in it.
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?
Because there wasn’t a single person there
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there isn't a single person in the room
How can a room of married people be empty?
There's not a single person there
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there isn't a single person there.
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
My wife took me to dinner tonight. She looked at my empty wine glass and asked if I’d like another one.
Why would I want two empty wine glasses.
The barman looked over at me and said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?"
"Why on Earth would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.
Waiter: I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?
Dad: What would I do with two empty glasses?
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