My wife asked me why the bottle of wine we bought yesterday was half empty.

I said because she is a pessimist.

πŸ‘︎ 346
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
How many books can you fit into an empty backpack?

One. Because after that it’s not empty anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FoldaHolda
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a supermarket in the United Arab Emirates, but all the shelves were empty.

There was literally nothing Dubai.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatProtomolecule
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
Barbie and Ken are continually arguing over who will empty the dishwasher. One day, Ken says "Barbie, I've unloaded the dishwasher every day this week.. can you PLEASE do it just this once?"

..."No, Ken do"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadaddy-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
🚨︎ report
[At the therapist] Me: Doc, I have a crippling fear of big, empty spaces.

Therapist: A void?

Me: That’s good advice. Thanks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Me: "The cemetery looks quite empty."

My dad: "People must be dying to get in."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My billy goat used to eat empty cans of adhesive..

But now he’s glue tin free.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GigaMike123
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there’s not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kennycrab12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I really love big empty whiteboards!

They’re so remarkable!

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Proxysweden
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "

Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy walks into an empty bar...

He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"

He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.

Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"

Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"

At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"

The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."

The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".

"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.

"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....

"they're complimentary"

:)

πŸ‘︎ 353
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_thundernugs_
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a hand sanitizer station that's empty?

A hand sani-teaser....

....

....

Because you think you're going to get your hand sanitized, but you don't, cause it's empty, so it's teasing you...

Yeah?

Yeah?

aww....

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestOfCheem
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I explained to my wife, "Darling, it doesn't matter if your cup is half full or half empty, my point is..."

"You need to buy a different size bra!"

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a dumb empty wallet lack?

Cents

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/soviet_bean_man
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Two dogs were walking down an empty highway. One of them stopped and defecated in the middle of the road.

When he was finished, he looked at the other dog and said, β€œClean up that mess.”

The other dog sniffed the pile and said, β€œNope. That’s your asphalt!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the app that helps you find empty churches?

It's called godzillow

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chronossage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My customers keep complaining that they're receiving empty boxes with no contacts in them

but they're the ones that keep requesting contactless delivery!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an empty bar, with just the bartender present

He sits down and orders a beer

Then hears a soft voice say "That's a really good color on you"

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone, shrugs, and sips his beer.

Shortly there after he hears another study voice whisper "That's a really nice tie"

Looking at the bartender the man says "Do you hear those voices? Because no one else is here except you and me!"

The bartender says "Oh yeah.. Sorry about that.. Its the peanuts, they are complimentary"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Empty change machine, broken skunk, the year 2020...

They don't make sense

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misterrandom1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Bird feeder is empty.

Anticipating nasty tweets.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evilgenius1917
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Right now everyone in Cleveland is taking social distancing very seriously. Even the walkway around the lake is empty

It's Erie

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
"I walked into a zoo, it was empty and only has a dog"

"It was a Shih Tzu"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theneatdude2004
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I paid five cents for a dad joke, but it turned out to be an empty, derivative imitation, overly commercialized and lacking any real soul or talent.

Now I want my Nickelback.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people like to look at the glass as half full and others like to look at it as half empty but me,

I just like to drink it

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skullshotz1324
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My utility belt is empty...

Now it's just a waist of space.

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KurlyKarl
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2018
🚨︎ report
[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinselβ€” DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): β€œLittle more on here.” DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...

...”MOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad goes to Mexican restaurants and shakes the empty chip container like a peddling homeless man and says : "Chips for the poor favor"

He does it to this day and laughs every time, my sister and mother have chosen to start ignoring that type of behavior which makes it funnier to me

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_var_log_messages
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2015
🚨︎ report
When I went to get my prescription, I gave the tech an empty bottle to recycle or whatever. She said, some people like to keep the bottles to put nails and screws in...

I said I don't have too many loose screws.

She smiled.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A King has 3 cups. The first 2 are full and the 3rd is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

πŸ‘︎ 978
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flushyjames
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2017
🚨︎ report
My daughter and I had Chinese food for lunch. She was disappointed when her cookie was empty inside.

I told her β€œthat’s unfortunate”.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jocnkal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I have an irrational fear of empty spaces

Nothing scares me

πŸ‘︎ 82
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PopeliusJones
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I was trapped between 2 empty shelves when the grocery closed for the evening...

I was stranded in a deserted aisle...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the store giving away empty batteries? They were free of charge?
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TacticalNintendo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I left the general store empty handed

I was looking for something specific

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Twigsnapper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Sometimes it is too easy... Friend: What a ripoff! My fortune cookie is empty. Me: It is not a rip-off, just un-fortune-ate.
πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smonaghan213
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
To the guy that found my empty wallet.

I don’t know how to repay you.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Parents are supposed to wrap empty boxes to put under the tree. Then when the children are naughty, throw one in the fire.

But what if they run out of children?

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
🚨︎ report
A guy offered me a empty shopping cart and said β€œleft some gas in it for you.”
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guccitrapqueen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What does an empty room and a room full of married people have in common?

You can’t find a single person in it.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kenduvo
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the room packed with married people seem empty?

Because there wasn’t a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MangoAway17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person in the room

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/toolaroola12
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room of married people be empty?

There's not a single person there

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sss69sss
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
How can a room full of married people be empty?

Because there isn't a single person there.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
We were eating dinner tonight, when my daughter said to me, β€œI see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, β€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife took me to dinner tonight. She looked at my empty wine glass and asked if I’d like another one.

Why would I want two empty wine glasses.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beardmaster-flash
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The barman looked over at me and said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?"

"Why on Earth would I want two empty glasses?" I asked.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Waiter: I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?

Dad: What would I do with two empty glasses?

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chateau512
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
🚨︎ report

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