My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.
Me: Can we change the subject?
Her: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.
A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can't part with it.
I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.
She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
Why was the snowman rooting around in a bag of carrots?
2 midgets are sitting around bored.
One of them pulls out some weed and asks his mate, "Wanna get medium."
Google is riding around on some CHROME rims
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.
Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
A new strain of head lice is going around which is resistant to conventional treatments.
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Not enough Christian furry cat puns around here.
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
Those teachers aren’t mathing around
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.
Why is leather armor the best armor to sneak around in?
Graffiti around here is getting out of hand
I think Black Holes are the most successful kleptomaniacs around...
Nothing they grab is ever returned.
Spider-Man has many incredible powers, including the ability to know how many spiders there are around the world.
He uses his Spider Census.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
There's a rumour going around about two waves racing to the beach. Can you guess which one won?
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".
They were right. I should have waited until next week.
I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends.
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
I just received a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my old clothes to the starving people around the world...
I told them, "Anyone who fits into my clothes, certainly isn't starving. "
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
My son’s learning about Buddhism in school, so when he’s around I make Nirvana jokes
Mobile phones have been around longer than people think.
I was watching this film the other day and heard Sir Lancelot ask someone to fetch his charger.
Finally got around to watching the whole “Back to the Future” trilogy!
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
If you place all currently living people on the equator around the Earth,
at equal distance from each other,
...
most of them would get wet and some will surely drown
My cat kept trying to climb my Christmas tree so I put aluminum around the base of the tree.
Her plans have been foiled.
Nature just loves when Spring comes around...
I mean just look at the trees, they're re-leaf-ed.
I did a few laps around the gym today.
How do actors move around film sets?
Feeling excluded, my toddler asked me to stop spelling out words while he was around.
Which lawn decorations move around from yard to yard?
Gnomads.
(I'm not a dad but I came up with this one last year and have been dying to share it.)
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
quit loafing around, i have a plane to get to
I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room. And then…
I've been swapping labels around on my wife's spice jars.
She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.
At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around...
Leather is great for sneaking around
because it's made of hide.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
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