My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
I hadn’t used my main in around a year but had a reason to burro back in my post history... I had forgotten about this, and I don’t mean to brag but this is the single greatest post I’ve ever made on reddit.
Walking around the mall with my daughter and we decided to go down a level. She expressed disappointment the elevator was broken,
I told her, " The escalator is just like an elevator but with extra steps."
My friend and I messing around musically
We just bought our new dream house and as I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs!?" I chuckled and replied, "Awwwww sweetie...."
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
What's round, long and jokes around all of the time?
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
I planted a few hostas around my house, and now they've gotten so big that they've completely outgrown all my other decorative plants.
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
A tree... In a forest? And no one is around?!
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.
Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
Last Thursday my son was moping around and I told him, if you think Thursdays are sad, just wait two more days. He asked why?
Because it'll be sadder day.
What is orange and hikes around in the hills?
I once turned around and saw a dead body in an unlit corridor
I’m sorry, that took a dark turn
“I love my job!” exclaimed the farmer. “All you do is boss me around all day!” complained one of his sheep. “What did you say?” challenged the farmer. The sheep glared back and growled...
Saw an old man jumping around and waving his arms to get his neighbor’s attention.
He must’ve been at deaf’s door.
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?
NASA put a watch around a potted plant and sent it on a rocket to the sun. I said to my Daughter, "don't worry, it will be ok.."
"a watched pot never boils"
My urologist and I kept joking around during my last visit.
I’m at wedding and I’m very thirsty so I am walking all around the whole ballroom looking for something to drink.
I can’t find the punchline.
I wondered why my daughter was throwing all my Stephen King books around the room. And then…
Santa and the elves are drinking around the fire and one of the elves says:
“Santa: you’ve been around since the 4th century, seen alphabets and languages rise and fall. Do you have a favorite letter?”
Claus thinks about it, scratches his thick white beard and says: “A B C D E F G H I J K M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z”
“Well Santa, I just asked for one. What does that mean?”
“And I gave you one! My favorite letter of the alphabet is the most Christmasy one out there! No-L!”
My wife said there was a large fly buzzing around our bedroom and told me to go kill it. I rolled my eyes and said she should call 911. She asked why.
I responded: So they can send the swat team.
I know this is an old one, but my dad got me with this when I was a kid and I just used it on my son (he loved it): Why do they put walls around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in!
Three legged dog hobbles into a saloon. Looks around and says...
“Alright, who shot my paw!”
It's Christmas day. Mariah Carey is opening presents around the tree with friends and family. She opens an envelope with a gift, the deed to a piece of residential land.
With a frown, she says "I don't want a lot for Christmas".
In a field with lots of sheep and lambs roaming around, a giant wolf appeared and swallowed whole a baby lamb. The lamb whined and yelped nonstop for hours on end. After a while the wolf started getting sick, and yet the lamb yelped and whined ever louder.
Finally the wolf died and the baby lamb walked out of the wolf and rejoined it’s momma in the flock of sheep. Turns out the wolf died of internal bleating.
All credit goes to my coworker.
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
I was at my parents house over the weekend. As a joke, I swapped all the labels around on their herbs and spices.
They haven’t noticed yet... but the thyme is cumin.
WARNING: There is an email going around offering processed pork, Gelatin and salt in a can. If you get this email DO NOT OPEN
While swimming around, a fish hits its head on a wall and then yells out...
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
If a pun happens and no one is around to hear it, is it a pun at all?
Question in study guide: The term evacuative proctography is also commonly called ____________.
Me studying alone: um, hmm....eeesh..not sure..idk. Oh wait, defacogram!
Also me, silently: can’t believe I just pulled that answer outta my ass
I was floating around in space wondering why the moon was getting bigger and bigger.
Auditoriums are specially designed so that sound will bounce around the walls and ceiling in order to be projected to the audience. However, if you place a pigeon on the stage, the coo of said pigeon will not bounce.
This is because of a-coo-sticks.
There’s a new drug going around that is nicknamed “angle”. My friends want to try it with me, but I took a D.A.R.E. course and don’t want to do drugs, so my friends make fun of me.
I guess I’m just too square to try angle.
It was around Christmas and I had bought gifts for everyone except my parents.
I had no idea what to get them. But after a long brainstorming I finally decided to get the a new fridge.
It's was actually so satisfying to see their faces lit up as they opened it.
"Are those your pants, stumbling around by themselves and puking all over everything?"
"Yeah, they're my high/wasted jeans."
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues.
The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
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