Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was...
...an ether/oar situation...
I was having a glass of wine with my wife after a long day and I heard her say "I love you so much and always look forward to being with you at the end of the day. I don't know what I'd do without you." "Is that you or the wine talking?" I asked. She replied "It's me...
So yall know how people used wooden dentures in the 19th century? I wonder if women ever tried or thought of using the same idea to increase boob size.
That would be something, now wooden tit?
So, are you a Phillips head or a flathead?
I’m just trying to see how you like to screw 😎👉🏻👉🏻
I posted this on r/memes a while ago and it didn't blow up or somthing. I am just so proud of this it makes me laugh every time
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the 'World Origami Championships'
I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood. He said, "everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,
I find it so sad that the US uses another unit other than °C or K for measuring temperature.
I'm from Las Vegas, so I know a thing or two about angles
I recently talked about a John Cena joke with my sister, but she didn't seem to understand the joke, so I started to explain to her who John Cena is. She then asked me whether or not I seriously think that she doesn't know who John Cena is. I then told her:
"Well, I just thought you might have never seen him before."
Darlings you got to let me know. Should I shave or should I grow? If I shave there could be stubble, and if I grow it could be double. So c’mon and let me know ohhhh..
My girlfriend was infatuated with roofing equipment so I gave her an ultimatum: it's either me or the equipment.
So, either they are Finnish or are Finished.
TIL - That in 17th century there were so many witches in France that they organized, rose up, and overtook the government for a time. I forget how many witches were involved or even what their movement was called....
But I bet it was a "beau-coup."
: )
Yesterday someone asked me why I make so many dad jokes if I don't have or even ever want kids.
It's genetic. I come from many generations of dads.
So a sensei or ‘teacher’ at a martial arts school brings a bowl of crispy wontons to class.
He sets it on a plinth and tells the students they’re free to take a couple after class is over. Halfway through teaching the senpai or sensei’s assistant approaches and tells him he has an important phone call. He tells the class to find a partner and practice. He comes back fifteen minutes later and the plinth is knocked over, the bowl is in pieces and the wontons crushed and scattered about. He is dismayed that his students would engage in such sensei-less wonton destruction.
When you're unsure whether to open a store or a studio, so you compromise and open a
So Donald Trump (or "the Don" as some call him) has realized that illegal immigrants must be deported at night so that no one will see them leaving and complain...
The problem, however, is that there isn't enough light for the immigrants to find their way back to Mexico. Because of this, the Don institutes his "Early Light" plan in order to give the immigrants a way to see. One immigrant, Jose, is partially blind, so they are wondering if the "Early Light" program will still allow him to see. The ask him: Jose can you see by the Don's "Early Light."
I’ve been torturing my 12yo son with dad jokes for the last month or so...he came in first thing this morning and laid this one on me...
Where do sunburned dinosaurs go for help?
The Allosaurus.
He earned a high-five for that one.
Wife and I are walking in St. Petersburg and get into an argument whether the precipitation we feel is rain or snow. So we ask the communist officer Rudolph standing next to us.
"Office Rudolph," I ask. "Is it raining or snowing?"
"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
I turn to my wife. "See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Breaking News: A turtleneck seller is to appear in court for selling his turtlenecks to the public, and just killing so many turtles. And sweater or not he wins, he was really a bad salesman.
So I was trying to decide if my favorite type of Asian food is Chinese or Japanese...
I decided to call it a Thai
My eating utensils were forged from Valerian steel, so don't mess with me or I'll fork you up.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so
I finally decided to pull the plug
People get so heated up about whether the milk comes first in tea or cereal
Personally i prefer that the tea comes first, then the milk, and then the cereal.
Either I'll be home or my friend Sam will be. So you can be sure to find ...
I have been rock climbing the last year or so as exercise.
I have to say, it's taken my body to new heights.
I've been germinating Sycamore and Milkweed seeds for about a month or so for bio class and today we had to present a powerpoint about it and i just had to take the opportunity.
My grandma makes blankets using a loom. She crafted the latest one so well that it'll never fray or fall apart!
[META] In the coming year or so, the Domain www.Jokes.Dad will become a thing
Can we make sure one of us buys it and makes something magical and Full of dad jokes for it?
He said I should marry him or get locked up for being so crazy not to.
I told him I have commitment issues.
Does it seem to anyone else like every single thing in reddit lately is being posted to 3 or more subs and reaching the front page multiple times? Why is this happening so much lately?
reddit.com/r/NoStupidQues…
My SO and I were just discussing how our friends named their new dog Mariota or Yoda for short and he said, "I can't see that name sticking for too long...it sounds forced." Ba dum tssss.
My dad thinks he's so funny. We were on vacation, debating whether or not to get a cabana by the pool...
My mom said that it was too expensive. "And what would we use it for? We already keep most of our stuff in our rooms."
To which my dad replied, "Think about it, honey! We'd be like Dolce and Cabana!"
My uncle tells me this one every year or so, I chuckle every time
What do you get when you combine a penis and a potato?
A dictator
With so many sporting events being delayed or cancelled, one sports TV outlet decided to televise the World Origami Championship.
I couldn't decide what Asian food I wanted more: Japanese or Chinese, so.....
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