My son just told me to stop making up things about him.
Which is strange, because I don’t have any kids.
I've just finished writing a book about using stairs...
It's a step by step guide.
I just found out that “Lincoln” made about $300 million in movie theatres.
Which is weird. Lincoln usually doesn’t do too well in theatres.
Did you hear about the guy who bought an electric car and got in a wreck just after he left the dealership?
He turned over a new Leaf.
My son asked me if I knew any good chemistry jokes as he'd just had his first chemistry class. I thought about telling him one about alkalinity...
But then I thought; 'Nah, too basic...'
Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me
I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.
Just saw that joke about eating a clock for the umpteenth time. Finally decided to try eating a clock myself, but now I'm freaking out.
I think I picked up a nervous tic.
I’ve just watched a movie about a gentleman having his broken leg fixed with bandages and a plaster of paris....
......what a great cast!!
Remember, when jokes weren't just about nostalgia....
My dad just told be a cool joke about drums
I thought I’d snare it with you guys
My dad just told me his joke about seasoning a pot roast.
Just heard about this gun smuggler they caught named T-Rex.
He was a small arms dealer.
My wife was fighting me about doing our kitchen in granite or laminate. She finally told me that we just can’t afford granite right now.
I have to admit... it was a pretty good counter argument.
I've just finished watching a documentary about beavers...
Best dam show I've ever seen.
My friend on Facebook just made a post about her favorite professor passing today.
I really wanted to comment and say “At least he passed and didn’t fail.”
But, I feel like it’s too soon and wouldn’t be appreciated.
When people get mad about me playing League of Legends I just
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.
It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
I just made a song about hammers.
Did you hear about the mummy that just woke up and is still convinced he’s ruler of Egypt? When told ‘that’s impossible’ he flew into a rage, ran away, and jumped in a river.
People say he’s in da Nile
I just read the absoute best book about Pearl Jam.
Seriously, I don't know they could have made it Eddie Vedder.
I've just written a song about a tortilla.
Well, it is more of a rap really.
I just sit here thinking about jokes all day
My wife thinks my hobbies are laughable
Dad to Son: "Have you heard about the new online game that's just been released that's heaps popular and getting a lot of press?
Son: "What's it called?"
Dad: "Month."
Son: "Huh?"
Dad: "Apparently it's twice as good as Fortnite".
I just finished making a short film in Russia about Vin Diesel’s body double.
It’s considered a Vin nyet.
Just read a few facts about frogs
If Dwayne Johnson had downstairs neighbors, they would be clueless about just about everything.
You would be too if you lived under a Rock.
Just heard some pretty sad news about yard sticks
Did you know they aren't making yard sticks any longer?
I just watched a Movie about a y= x graph!
The plot was a bit predictable
And a little flat!
Had good Special f(x) though
I just got my girlfriend with this: “You heard about that country named after Becky Stan?”
Her: “Who’s Becky Stan? 🤨
... Ohhh 😖”
True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.
So they're pretty much all one-liners.
Just wrote a book about falling down the stair case
It's a step-by-step guide
I just read a book about the proper application of adhesive substances
Just some jokes about colours
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
What’s brown and sounds like a bell?
What’s green and smells like red paint?
Whats red and bad for your teeth
I was diagnosed with colour blindness today,
- I tell you, that came right out of the purple.
Colours making a phone call...
Green green, green green....Yellow!
What colour is the wind
What’s grey and can’t fly
I just realized they can't ever make a movie about a male scandanavian Transformer who works as a stand-up comedian.
They'd be guilty of vehicle Lars mans laughter.
Just what is it about all the Psychics that I visit, they're either totally depressed or too excitable..
..it's really hard to find the happy Medium.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
My brother and I were just reminiscing about the herb garden our family had when we were kids.
A lumberjack was at work one day and was just about to start chopping down a tree.
Suddenly the tree spoke ‘WAIT! Don’t chop me down, I’m a talking tree!’
The lumberjack chuckled darkly and simply stated ‘And now you will dialogue’
I just wrote a song about tortillas...
actually it’s more like a wrap
Just watched a video about fancy drills
A friend just told me about this documentary on burnout in the pagan community...
it's called "The Bleh Witch Project"
If you get in an accident and need to see a lawyer about it, just be careful..
They'll add consult to injury
I was just asked about the name of the song written by Ida Corr and Fedde Le Grand
I've just written a book about falling down a staircase
It's a step by step guide
Just read a few facts about frogs.
I just watched a program about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
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