The reason lakes are bigger than rivers is because one has running water whereas the other water is merely standing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ForestValkyrie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I yelled "hello" to my friend walking far from me. He didn't know whether to merely raise his hand or say "hello" back...

He wavered.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Rock-climbing is not for the timid. In fact, merely being a little brave is not enough.

You need to be boulder.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Avatar_ZW
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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I encountered a dad joke merely minutes into my day

My mom was waking me up so I asked her what time it was and she said it was about high noon, then from across the house I heard my dad call out "Hello Noon!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sinjidkiller
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2015
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Pineapple on pizza?

Nothing wrong with pineapple on your pizza, you just need to cook it at aloha temperature.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
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A mere cat checking out the finer points of 2-meter communications.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/DepletedGeranium
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
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I can cut wood in half with a mere stare...

It's true! I saw it with my own eyes!

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ‘€︎ u/Proasek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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I was serving my friend a roast in my tiny shoebox apartment. He boasted that he could cook the same dish in a mere two hours...

But I cooked it in a minute flat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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A mere cat? (x-link r/aww)
πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ‘€︎ u/zkzkzkzk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2014
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So, this is the end.

I was arrested for speaking out of line. I was protesting against the injustices facing our community, the harsh taxes and oppressions that have faced my community for years. The cruel and unusual punishments especially. Our town is small and insular, so outside influence is heavily resisted by our small town government, but despite that, my friends and I have pushed on, resisting our mistreatment and misery. But as you know, I was arrested. Surprisingly, I wasn't jailed or executed. I was beaten. They had us in a row, lines up facing our tormentors. The would-be executioners merely thrust their fists upon us. It was brutal. While there, I though to myself, "Huh, I guess this is the punchline."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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Some of the gem's of Steven Wright

The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 Β  - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2Β Β  - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3Β Β  - Half the people you know are below average.

4Β Β  - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

6 Β  - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7Β Β  - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 Β  - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 Β  - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/ksbalaji
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2020
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I just Dad Joked myself. I'm ashamed

This all mainly involves my actions and thinking to myself.

So I'm cutting my nails with clippers, the clipping seem to travel at a pretty high velocity then cut.

anyway, at one moment I had the clippers facing away from me, meaning my nails were pointing at me. When I cut, the clipping flew up and hit me on the eyelid, felt very close to going in.

That's when I thought:

"Shit, I almost nailed myself in the eye"

πŸ‘︎ 103
πŸ‘€︎ u/frecklejam
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2015
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My kitten was standing on his hind legs and looking around curiously, so I said to my fianceΓ© "He looks like a meerkat...

But alas he is only a mere cat"

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/MainSoftwareBug
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Something my dad once did

Okay... A bit of back story. My dad is someone who knows how to end fun...

But all in all, it is fine. We just normally talk t on him about serious topics.

So one night, my dad was in the shower. My sister and I were bickering about something and she did something that made me angry. So I screamed at my dad to "look at what she did" (I think she hit me or something) and all he merely did was peaked his head out of the bathroom and went back in.

I was expecting something like a scolding or something so I screamed again. Then he told me that I asked him to "look" and so he did already.

I promised myself to not talk to him again until I left my home. But if course with my bloody short attention span (I was around 7 or 8), I forgot about it the next morning. My sis n him had a laugh... 😠😠😠

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/rbg90g
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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As someone who is not a dad, I'm merely a specatator.

Edit: I don't think anyone is catching on.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/_trueAlien
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
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Why did the evil billionaire build his own SeaWorld?

Merely for entertainment porpoises.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/jty87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
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How can lions see themselves

They let out a mere roar

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Coz-Man
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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Youthful slang?

My son has not stopped asking me to do a "fortnight dance" for days now, I'm unsure of why he would want me to dance for an entire fortnight so I decided to check this subreddit to see if it's merely a joke commonly used against dads, can anyone help, thanks in advance

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
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What's the difference between Simba and Timon?

One is a meerkat and the other is a mere cat

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeButtheegee
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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Puns are like hexes...

The very best ones can cause people to experience physical pain merely by reciting them.

(Not technically a pun, so also note that a good pun is its own reword.)

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zinfidel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2017
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I had an uncle named Stanley, who was a natural in the moving business.

Stanley worked his way up from nothing in a third world country, saving enough to move to America and support his family. His loyal customer base grew by word of mouth, nobody argued with his results. Finally one day, a customer asked him how he managed to be so good at his work, and he merely responded, "I'm from Pakistan."

ba dum tss

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2016
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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"I named my kitten Timon."

Why did you name him that?

"Haven't you seen Lion King? He's named after the meerkat!"

That is not a meerkat, it is a mere cat.

Interaction with my stepsister. She was not amused.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Archaeoculus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2016
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I should try my Geiger counter!

A few years back my mom was having some kind of stomoach problem, my dad took her to the doctor where she drank some kind of radioactive dye for some kind of diagnosis. My dad comes into their home-office where I am fixing their computer. "Hey Jake, C'mere" he says. He's holding a Geiger counter he has from who knows where. My mom is laying in her bed and he gets it closer and closer to her stomach and it goes off, flashing red! I am dying, laughing so hard then he says "Looks like we've got one hot mama" My mom just rolls her eyes and groans. One of the most hilarious things I have ever seen in my life.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/tacticalcraptical
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2017
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Dad joke on moms day

I was out at dinner with my family, and this popped into my head. So i ask "do dogs ever leave?". My family is looking at me pretty confused at this point."of course not. They embark. " sister and mom shake their heads, my dad merely chuckles.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2015
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The best dad jokes are the ones you laugh at more than the audience...

I didn't come up with this but its been flying around reddit for a while...

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?' The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Sven
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2013
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Why did the Hippo failed to obtain his PhD?

Because no matter the amount of proof his work remained a mere Hippo Thesis.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/MuadLib
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
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My daughter made me a waffle out of Play Doh

I put a bit in my mouth and she though it was super gross. I said "I love the taste of clay" and she retorts back "dad, it's not clay, it's Play Doh". I turned to my wife, who was already shaking her head and said "that's mere child's clay".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sethdare
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2016
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You have to admit, Apple is being treated unfairly after the recent news about the iPhone 6+...

They merely wanted to provide a phone with the flexibility their customers demanded. It's clear that Apple bends over backwards for their fans, and they wanted to build a flagship phone which does so, too.

You could say that the iPhone 6+ is ... ahead of the curve.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/DrakeMaijstral
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2014
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No one appreciated this one I busted out at the zoo this weekend.

We're standing at the meerkat exhibit and I said "Do you know how to call a meerkat?" ..." 'mere, cat!"

It was gloriously terrible.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/SgtMac02
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
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Wife bought this deli crab salad and this was my response.

Little bit of context to start out. Had just dadjoked my wife mere seconds earlier about me being nervous to turn on the baby monitor since it is displaying c4 for channel 4 and the relation between explosives, what not etc. (you see where that was going)

Anyways, now that her guard is down (I don't think she was expecting a twofer) I pulled out this weird deli crab salad concoction she had just bought at the store, showed it to her and said with a look of disgust on my face, (she knows I don't like the stuff)

Me: "Seriously though, I just have one question for you."

Her: "I know you don't like the stuff I just got enough for me it was on a good sale!"

Me: "What the crab is this?"

Those precious few milliseconds where her expression transitions from confused to eye roll is my favorite part.

(Yes these jokes were all shamelessly planned)

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo0709
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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My family was talking about colleges...

Mom-"The administrators want more students to reach out to colleges in person."

Dad-(Holding his arms outward and grabbing the air) "C'mere colleges, I'm gonna getcha!"

This was painful to watch

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/1ferriswheel98
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2014
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