Maximum Puns

None of them were Happy :-(

..one of them won't be Happy.

Me: That’s ....sound advice.

Dad: That’s sound advice.

Any longer and it's a foot

Me: Listen to mom. That’s......sound advice.

I couldn't get up. I was completely weekend by it.

While outside of Desano pizza...

If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?

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A cannibble.

The tur-KEY.

Also, the key to a fun visit to the zoo is the mon-key.

And the key to a great science fiction movies is a Woo-key.

To ensure the maximum amount of eye-rolls, casually drop these into the conversation several minutes apart.

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

Add spring water.

Scene- Me, at dentist, having teeth removed. She was having a bit of trouble with some of them and this was while she had instruments in my mouth. There's some pain after maximum amount of anesthetic she can give me. Asks me how I'm doing.

Me- There is some pain in the teeth after numbing but it isn't anything I can handle.

Dentist- Last time you were here we didn't have a problem but this time your teeth are being a major pain in the butt.

Me- My teeth are a pain in the butt? No wonder people say I talk out of my ass way too much.

She had to stop for a bit to finish laughing.

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of attempted Loggins.

For a Halloween party this year, I'm going as Cheesus Christ, the Gouda Shepherd.

That being said, I need to prepare an absolute onslaught of cheese related puns for maximum eye-rolls.

Give me your worst best, Reddit!

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a “W.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for “water closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the “W.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a “W.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled “Wayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has a maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest you plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share.  I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

Dad: What is the opposite if maximum

Son: Minimum?

Dad: No, it's minidad! Stares with a huge smile on the face

Son: ...

Dad: ...

Son: ...

Dad: Olay go to your room, you're grounded!

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.

"Wow that's a lot of sausages."

"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."

"Sweet!"

"...actually, they're hot."

grinning intensifies

"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"

maximum grinning

"You go to the mall - that's one. The second method is you drop off a load of donations at Salvation Army. Third: you're picked up by a backhoe and transported to a pool of radioactive material in the middle of the garbage dump and your jeans are magically transferred off of you as you disintegrate. And the fourth? By policemen carrying out a court order in a maximum security prison."

It was sometime last year that my girlfriend at the time and I were walking on a local public trail with her German Shepherd. She had always been very adamant about my jokes having a "dadness" to them but I always brushed it off until this day.

As we're walking, a lady and her two kids go to pass us going the other way on a narrow part of the trail and I say:

"Don't worry, she's friendly...(smirk level at maximum)...oh and the dog is too."

My girlfriend facepalms and the lady chuckles and says, "It's like we brought your father with us, huh kids?"

Girlfriend enthusiastically says, "See! Not funny dad jokes!"

From that day on I acknowledged my dad jokes as what they are but to this day I refuse to believe they aren't funny. And I guess that's my introductory post to this subreddit.

My father in law pumped this out at a dinner the other night. The band was coming up to play a song and the MC for the night said "take it away guys" to which my in law responded with "where are they taking it? We're right here!"

Maximum groaning all round.

Dad: That’s......sound advice.

“That’s sound advice.”

He had exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts.

Just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing "Danger Zone" five times

Apparently I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts..

(from twitter)

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts...

They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

I guess I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attemps.

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.