Specified Puns

He replied "Car no do that, car no fly"

"Chicken, please"

My family had to respond to her confused look, assuring her I was pulling her leg.

Note: not a dad yet, but I'm training to be one.

Person 1: What is your opinion on that one classic pulling the bunny out of the hat trick?

Person 2: I think raises some hare-raising questions.

P1: How so?

P2: It just begs the question of how it affects the rabbits themselves. After all, the magicians were pulling them out without a carrot the world.

P1: You raise at interesting point.

P2: We all know it's because of the secret compartment, you know? And, to minimize the suspiciousness of the hat, the compartment is as small as possible?

P1: Yes

P2: It must be very uncomfurtable to be in that space, and then be grabbed by the ears and raised high in front of a crowd. Like, don't get me wrong, I love magic tricks, but I wand to specify that i honestly feel that this trick in particular is quite inhumane.

She sent me a contract or agreement by which one receives fixed payments on an investment for a lifetime or for a specified number of years

"So, do you have to work on Labor Day this year?"

"No, we both have off."

"Did you hear they're changing it next year?"

"What?"

"Yeah, they're moving it to April."

Looks of confusion

"At least that's what my doctor said."

The dawning of comprehension on their faces, then big smiles and hugs!

..... Btw, I am a woman. I didn't specify in the post, but the context clue would be "MY doctor." I was just raised on sarcasm and corny jokes.

I've been making dad jokes for years but my wife and I are expecting our first child and I've finally been making dad jokes while actually being a dad.

When we were in the hospital I got my wife a blanket. What was awesome was they were kept in this machine that was specifially made to heat blankets. I laid the blanket over my wife and siad. "do you think they keep these at womb temperature?" I heard a nurse laugh for a solid 3 minutes.

This is my legacy.

I work at a cajun restaurant and so we bring hot sauce to most of our tables, but since we also bring ketchup for some as well, I always specify when I set hot sauce down. A lot of times when I set it down people will just say "sweet!" as a response(surprisingly often I might add). Then I always respond, "no, it's actually quite spicy."

Yesterday morning at 10am my kids came to wake me up for family day. I'd worked late the night before and I was pretty groggy and completely dehydrated.

Son: "Time to get up dad!"

Me: "I'll get up, but could you go grab my water bottle and put some cold water in it?"

(2 minutes pass while his sister jumps on my head)

Son (with special grin on his face): "Here you go, Dad."

(I take the bottle and cautiously take a sip. I get a little dribble of water and realize the whole thing is full of ice.)

Me: ...

Son: You asked for cold water, you didn't specify how cold.

Me: ...that's my boy.

I work at the public library, doing some phone answering, office work, n stuff.

Anyways this lady calls

"Hello, I am searching for some material, and was wondering do you have two books?"

me "I can guarantee you that we have two books here"

Uncontrollable laughter in the other end for a good while, before she manages to specify what books she's searching for

Whenever someone from my family asked while eating "Can someone pass me the bread?" or something similar my dad used to open the kitchen door and yell "Someone? SOMEONE?" and would then state "Well I guess there is noone here with this name". I guess i dont even have to tell that when you would specify your request to "Can YOU pass me the bread?" He would say that he can but if he should...

I was doing my living will today and when I went over where it specifies my cremation I suddenly had the brightest idea of adding the following:

> .. On the jar for my ashes, please engrave the following: "Hi, I'm sorry if I look a bit ashen today..".

I wonder..