I made my own elevator but it makes me mad when people select a floor.

That really pushes my buttons.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gabrielc0208
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
MRW I see My Neighbor Totoro is coming to select theaters

"Hey, let's go!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/adelie42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report
In which my dad helped me select an appliance

Me: "Dad, do you have Consumer Reports? I want to look at refrigerators."

Dad: points at fridge "There's one!"

I gave him a high five while my mom rolled her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kziv
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
🚨︎ report
People ask me where I am stealing all my dadjokes from

From a dad-a-base

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slcikdeaaal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07
🚨︎ report
I went to the boomerang shop downtown to look at their selection today.

Turns out they have a great return policy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JustMy2Coppers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.

I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
When people ask about the beer selection at the local shop.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogGentlemen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Best selection in town
πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pandabeardontcare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
🚨︎ report
I was selected by a prominent judge to dress funny and make strange faces in public. I am not mad, I am justice appointed.
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
When it comes to jokes about Eugenics,

I'm very selective

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/prez9669
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24
🚨︎ report
Her: You have selective hearing. You only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks. You look good too.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Kid advice

Me just now to the my kids:

β€œMake sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!”

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gng007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
I believe it's wrong for humans to selectively breed dogs until their faces are smashed flat and they can't breathe normally.

Hugs not pugs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wrethlig
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaki
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 92
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Music selection on a boat

Some friends of mine like to rent a boat every year and go enjoy a quiet day of nice summer weather on a nice lake. One friend brought a stereo with her this year and asked everybody, "What kind of tunes does everyone want to listen to?"

I told her, "Pon-tunes!"

Groans were had by everyone else on the boat.

Edit: We were on a pontoon boat, not a pond.

πŸ‘︎ 683
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/admiralkit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
🚨︎ report
The grocery store had a sale on produce, but the selection was really bad

Either way it was a raw deal

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!

This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies

Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...

Me: ...and some aren't!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crgk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Budweiser?

Me sitting in the final interview of AbInbev.

Interviewer: Sorry, You are not selected.

Me: Budweiser?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/YashBanzal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I tell my son: One does not simply become a dad and start telling great jokes,

One who is master at his craft is selected sexually by women to become the father.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29
🚨︎ report
Charles Darwin always chooses the purple choc from the quality street tin.

It's a natural selection.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Candidates for the president of the Evolution Society said that the anonymous votes were fudged...

But the committee assured them it was just natural selection!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/betterpc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
🚨︎ report
My son asked why the xmas selection packs were so expensive at the supermarket...

I explained that it's because they are out of season.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fox2319
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
🚨︎ report
What do the Houston Astros and Betty Crocker have in common?

A great selection of batters!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Here's a selection of my dad's best bar jokes.

A mushroom walking into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind around here." And the mushroom says, "Oh come on, I'm a fungi."

A three legged dog walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Can I get you something?" and the dog says, "No, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind around here." So the string walks outside twists himself into a loop, messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender spots him and says, "Hey! Arn't you the piece of string that just walked in here?" And the string looks at him and says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bigrich1776
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention?

Unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
🚨︎ report
What's it with Eminem and Dad jokes?

I mean... just look at those:

- Why has Gwen Stacy been on the web lately?

to spite her man. -River

- Why do you carry a Laptop in your back pocket?

Because rapping like a computer must be in my genes. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem blow?

All he did was throw f-bombs - Rap God

- Why did Eminem buy the rap game a maxi pad?

Because it's having a rough time period. - Rap God

- Why did Eminem look so shocked when he watched a church gathering take place?

He was witnessing a mass occur. - Rap God

- How could Eminem poop Jerusalem?

Because his shit is real. - Caterpillar

- Why is Eminem so ill-behaved?

He's got a couple of mansions, but still no mannors. - Lucky You

And these are just a select few.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DenaPhoenix
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why isn't a JetSki ...

... called a boatercycle?

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuaggaSwagger
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon

Great food but no atmosphere

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad would always say:

I tried to pick my nose once, but I ended up with this one anyway...

He'd also call it:

Selecting one's proboscis...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DakBroadbent
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while buying groceries in Maui...

I have been holding onto this one for quite some time and got to use it today, while on vacation. When selecting eggs, which were about $9.80, I said "Wow, would you say these are...EGGspensive?"

She responded with a big eye roll. I was super happy.

πŸ‘︎ 534
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fernaceman
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
🚨︎ report
A man walked into a metal bar...

Slayer was on the radio and they had a great selection of beers on tap.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/scottcmu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Do I have to turn in my Dad card?

A young lady approached my wife and me at the park while we were watching the kids play. She asked if we would like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. We happily accepted and talked to her for a moment while she showed us the options and told us about each type of cookie. We made our selection, and she went on her way.

I failed to ask her which ones were made from real Girl Scouts.

I sincerely apologize for this oversight, everyone. Can I still be a Dad?

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
🚨︎ report
[MOD POST] Hunting for an additional moderator. Read and apply within.

EDIT: I am now closing applications and will make a decision in the next day or so. Thank you to everybody who applied - the general enthusiasm and support is wonderful to see.

( as this is a self post, I receive no karma - however I would appreciate it if you upvoted purely for visibility <3 )

Hey everybody,

The /r/dadjokes community is now over 85,000 subscribers strong. That's pretty great. Pretty super great.

Thus far, over the entire existence of this sub, I have been the only mod. Quietly watching, taking your feedback, removing a post here, approving another there - doing my best not to interfere too much. I'm going to be honest, it hasn't been that hard.

You lot are generally a pretty nice bunch, give or take a few of the more vocal lunatics. There isn't usually a lot of work to be done, or issues that need resolving.

That said, I'm not awake all the time. I can't lurk on Reddit all the time. I don't have all-seeing eyes.

So it's about time I gave another pair o

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
🚨︎ report
NASA Giftshop
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theshadowofintent
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2014
🚨︎ report
How does Moses make coffee?

He brews it.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fistweavedyourmom
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
🚨︎ report
Help: geology-themed puns needed.

My sister teaches at a high school for children with learning and behavior disorders, and every year she hosts a skills summer camp.

2015 will be geology-themed, and we need help thinking of a fun name for the camp.

Previous years: 2014 Summer Scenarios: Little Egypt (Egyptian themed) 2013 Summer Scenarios (first year had no kitchy name, but it was zombie-themed)

Potential examples: Stone Throne, Rock Steady, Taken for Granite, etc.

During the live-in camp (boarding school), they'll learn survival/outdoorsmanship skills (fire starting, gardening, canoeing, etc.), and have geologists as guest speakers.

Any high school learning-friendly geology-themed blockbusters would be welcome suggestions, too--but I'll post that for the people over at /r/movies.

Thanks in advance!

Edit: Thanks to everyone who actually gave appropriate suggestions, and high-fives to those who just made rock puns. My sister selected Game of Stones.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allthedoll
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2014
🚨︎ report
The judge didn't laugh.

I'm a lawyer who clerks for a judge. We had a long, tedious day of jury selection, a process known as voir dire (pronounced vwar-deer). After 6 hours of work, I looked at him and said "after this voir dire, I could sure use a voir beer!"

Crickets.

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2016
🚨︎ report
So my friend and I visit a vegetable shop. The clerk says "You want to buy anything?"

I said "Lettuce see the selection, please"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mr_-Sponge-
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Walking in to Home Depot yesterday to look at lawn mowers...

Me: I like shopping here.

Wife: Yeah?

Me: Yeah, there's so much mower selection.

Wife: ....

Me: :D

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brianlouis
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2016
🚨︎ report
I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitte

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Just dad joked another coworker; was as epic as I hoped

A coworker was looking through our tea selection at work and said "I could really go for some sleepy time tea right now, too bad we don't have any at the office."

To which, I replied, "Why would our office stock sleepy time tea? We might as well just have unproductivi-tea."

He just shook his head in disapproval.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gold_Sticker
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2015
🚨︎ report
Paper towels are the worst.

They're tearable. The select-a-size ones are even more tearable!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cl350rg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Superfight is a fun game to play

Superfight is a tabletop game where you make a character with random attributes from the selection of cards dealt to yourself. You will need to justify how your character and their attributes can beat your opponent's character.

We were playing this through Tabletop Simulator and I played a character card titled "Leonardo".

Gf: Dicaprio or Da Vinci

Me: No, DaTurtle

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alecx3
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
🚨︎ report
I had a statistics exam yesterday.

The first part in the exam paper was multiple choice. After the exam a few friends and I were discussing the answers to the multiple choice, question 2 was "Calculate the mean from the following data"

Me: "what did you get for Q2, the 'mean' question?"

Friend: "What? Q2 asked to calculate the median "

Me: "Noo..I guess I didn't read the question properly. I calculate the mean. And the answer for the mean was one of the choices. I guess, they knew some people would be stupid enough to calculate the mean instead of the median, so they put the mean as one of the choices, and I selected that answer."

Friend: "That's just mean!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRationalMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2015
🚨︎ report
Wheat bears large seeds that stay on the stalk

because it has been selectively bread.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fiat-flux
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2015
🚨︎ report
Had a great dadjoke last night at the grocery store

My girlfriend and I were standing in the bread aisle at Safeway, browsing the local bread selections. One of the lone bags in the rack shifted oddly by itself and almost fell out of the rack hanging halfway off. My girlfriend noted that it looked like it was trying to jump off so I said. "No, don't jump! You have your whole loaf ahead of you!"

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vaerwyr
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
🚨︎ report
There was a fire at the grocery store I work at last week.

We now offer a wide selection of smoked goods.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Musszilla
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Something a bit cheesy

As I stare at the cheese aisle, I'm trying to decide what looks Gouda for my Munster appetiteβ€” each cheese goating me to choose it. The truth is, I don't know Jack about cheese selection. But then I realize I Havarti made my choice. I'll go with cheddar, because it has Provolone-standing favorite of mine. Now I better stop this Brie-fore it gets too cheesy.

True storyβ€”happened today. Hardy har harlsberg.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CleverWordPlay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2012
🚨︎ report
My dad's repertoire

Here is a small selection of my dad's choice dadjokes.

Me - "Dad, hold on."

"I don't have an on to hold!"

Me - "Hey!"

Dad - "Oats!" or on occasion, in response to 'hey!' "...is for horses!"

Makes me roll my eyes so hard every time.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2013
🚨︎ report
At Korean Barbeque today...

I went to a Korean BBQ restaurant today to celebrate my birthday, and one of the things this restaurant is known for is bringing out a lot of side dishes. Like 20 of them, to the point that there's no way we could finish it all.

So after we eat the manager comes around and asks how we liked the food.

>Dad: The food was really good, but I have a problem with the side dishes

>Manager: Oh no, I'm so sorry, what was the problem?

>Dad: There weren't enough of them, the selection was too small!!

At this point he starts doing the dad laugh, but the manager still didn't realize he was kidding, so my mom had to butt in and say it was wonderful. Hope we didn't offend or anything -.-

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/misingnoglic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Forward from dad several years ago...

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected:

A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Doctor01001010
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Swedish/Intercultural Dad Facebook Jokes

I posted a picture on Facebook of my grandmother wearing a fantastic hat from when she was my age. My family is Swedish, the word for grandmother (mother's mother) is Mor Mor. He commented on one picture thusly:

Dad: I will be posting a collection/selection of your Mor Mor (not your Mor Mor Mor) but actually some may contain both your Mor Mor and Mor Mor Mor who is you mother's Mor Mor. But you knew that.

(Then correcting his omission)

Dad: I meant to indicate it would be a hat based collection but got mor than confused.

Bonus points for attempting to learn Facebook, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/inkandbourbon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.