The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I was wondering what's taking them so long to count all the votes in Nevada

But I realized it's because their work is Neva Dan

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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In a vote for my favourite film of the Star Wars franchise ...

... β€˜Solo’ would win Hans down.

(I’m sure that’s been done before but it’s new to me. Sorry if that’s the case! Meanwhile I am trying to come up with a version about who shot first - Han or Greedo - but Solo had one Han up and the other under the table, so not both Hans and not really β€œdown” either. Shucks)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBobRob
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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I refuse to vote for anyone in the dried fruit competition.

There aren't any good candied-dates.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApologeticKid
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
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If you regret your vote in 2016, don't worry about it

Hindsight is 2020

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iplaymeinreallife
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
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In light of the recently release video of the democrats vs republicans asking why they are holding off the vote

What did the democrat say to the republican at the dinner?

Will you pass the bill already?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moose_da_goose
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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My niece, currently living in another country, asked: Can you vote when you are abroad?

Me: You can now that women got the vote.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rarmstro613
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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I figured out why I never get votes in r/dadjokes

I don't have any kids.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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My son just lost a tight race in his primary election after I was physically withheld and denied the right to vote.

Sucks. He would have made a great second grade treasurer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
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Half-naked women get thousands of up votes; how many for our boys in blue?

Someone had to do it: http://imgur.com/a/N0Zah

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crimsonbuccaneer
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2016
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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Why did the guy who voted for Trump in 2016 switch sides this time?

Because hindsight is 2020.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/joeChump
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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I used to be the president of the Voting Sucks club in high school

It was pretty good but I never got re-elected

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrumpGuy88888
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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I got voted in as Chairman of the Walkie-Talkie Association today

The vote was 10 - 4

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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Calling all pun masters: Voting closes in a few days!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/albusbumblecore
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
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My son just told me his first dad joke. He's 8, so go easy.

Son: what did the fig say to the table?

Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table?

Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.

Edit: thanks for the silver, I'll tell the boy in the morning!

Edit 2: explained to my son about the up votes and awards. When he heard that someone spent real money to congratulate him for the joke, he said he bets it was his grandparents. He's excited y'all enjoyed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RicoCat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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The mayor of Jaws is the same mayor in Jaws 2.

Goes to show that it’s important to vote in elections.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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What do spanish programmers code in?

SΓ­ ++

πŸ‘︎ 736
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yuberz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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My wife and I met at the store when we were both buying a copy of the Disney movie β€œup”

It was the perfect meet cute and we kept both copies even after getting married. It was sweet. Not all things are meant to last and when things got a bit rocky we decided to get divorced. I let her keep the apartment and moved my stuff out. Unfortunately, we live in one of those states that mail out ballots. She sent me a text a week after I had left to let me know my ballot had come to the apartment. We had ended things amicably, but neither of us wanted to see each other so soon. Committed to my civic duty, I dropped by after work the next day. When she opened the door she was in tears. She had me come in and I immediately saw it, I had forgotten to take my copy of the movie. Somehow, this felt more final than actually signing the divorce papers. I still cared about her, so I asked if she wanted to talk at all. She shook her head and said through tears, β€œJust take your Up, vote and go.”

πŸ‘︎ 809
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Silent--Soliloquy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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Put my "I Voted" sticker in my beard

And then told my daughter that someone was going to win "by a whisker".

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jehannum_505
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2016
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My dad just told me that Rick Astley voted remain in the referendum

Because he's never gonna give EU up

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfb1337
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2016
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Warning! 18+

Today is election day in Canada, go out and vote!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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Five friends were sitting around, debating which Pixar movie is the greatest

After a few hours of debate, no one was willing to concede, and it was decided that a vote must be held. Unfortunately, with so few friends present, it was clear that they would need to bring the vote to the greater public. The group decided that each friend would make a plea to the subreddit of their choice, and whoever received the most karma for it would win.

Adam, already undecided himself, decided to go to /r/AskReddit. He laid out the agreement, and asked that everyone vote one their favorite movie, and the one with the most votes he would use for the his friends. Unfortunately, as the votes were split in that sub, his highest post amounted to a mere 38 points.

Paul, a big proponent for the Toy Story franchise, posted to /r/nostalgia in the hopes that everyone who grew up with Toy Story would agree. Unfortunately, as there had been two sequels (with a third on the way) it wasn't exactly considered "nostalgia" and he got downvoted into oblivion.

Bill, who loved Monsters Inc., made his case using some trickery. Going to /r/news, he found a seemingly unrelated post, and made a top-level comment describing, in great detail, why Monsters Inc. was the greatest film of all time. The fact that the post was so out of context made everyone flock to it, and drew enough attention to new him over a thousand fake internet points.

Mike, who loved the Incredibles movies, decided to stay in his wheelhouse. Over the course of several hours, he created each of the family members from the Incredibles in Soulcaliber VI. Finally, he photoshopped the family together, and posted it to /r/gaming. Under normal circumstances this would have skyrocketed to the top, but the format was stale, and thus only received 20k karma. Still, Mike was confident in his victory.

While the other four friends came up with plans on how to maximize their karma gains, Chris sat silently. For hours he sat, making no posts, coming up with no original content. Finally, an hour before the deadline, he broke into his neighbor's house, stealing his copy of the Pixar movie "Up". He took a picture of his theft and posted it directly to /r/dadjokes with the title "STOLEN".

When the group got together the next day to see who got the most votes, everyone was in awe. Chris's post had over 40,000 points. "How did you know that would win?" "Easy," Chris replied. "Everyone knows stolen content on /r/dadjokes gets all the Up votes."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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A daily pun thread

I propose we start a daily competition.

Each day the winner of the pervious days thread provides the word for the day.

Then you lovely lot will go off into reddit and try make the best pun around that word/phrase you can, and link your best result in that days thread. The comment with the most up votes wins for the day. Only one pun per account per day.

Ill start with a relatively easy one: Pun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biddlyboing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
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I was trying to explain Feudalism to someone, comparing it to a democratic system.

In one, it's your vote that counts, in the other: it's the Count that votes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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I hate myself

phone rings β€œHello?” β€œHi, is your refrigerator running?” β€œYes...” β€œOh good, I’ll make sure to vote for it in the primaries!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliviarose0504
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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The story of Mike and the dad joke hall of fame

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said β€œMike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCisme5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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Dadjoked a city... kinda

So in Canberra people are picking their own mushrooms; which would be fine except for the rather hazardous Death Caps that seem to be plentiful right now. A local radio station asked their listeners whether hey thought mushroom sales at stores or restaurants would go down, and what people thought of the whole issue. With a decade of experience in hospitality I thought I'd call and while waiting to go on air, the presenters joked about calling up the head 'mushroom guy' for Australia and asking their opinion.

I go on air and assure them that no restaurant worth their salt would risk their name and business by buying mushrooms that weren't from an official farm. But just before They bid me farewell I said; "I hope you do get to talk to the head mushroom person, I bet he's a real Fungi".

There was silence followed by barely audible raucous laughter from what sounded like either outside their booth or over the intercom, I'm not sure. The presenters denied me an on air groan or laugh and just pretended like I had said nothing. But someone laughed... Someone...

[Edit: Wow, unable to log in to reddit for a day and I miss getting nearly eight times more up votes than I have since joining Reddit last year. Thanks all! I knew having a 1 yr old would pay off.]

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SketchGoatee
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2014
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People keep talking about these North Korean peace talks as if they are major news

I'm pretty sure it is all just koreagraphed though

Edit: as Mad-slick pointed out, this was originally posted elsewhere on reddit in r/pics. Original is linked in the comments, go give him the deserving up vote please.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flannelkumquat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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Trying to wake my son up a little early...

We are trying to get up a little earlier so our mornings aren't so stressed. My son was not waking up no matter how many times I poked and tugged at him.

I said "Come on son time to get up." He kind of stirred, I continued, "Remember we said we were going to start waking up a little earlier so we are not "rushin" in the morning?"

He rolled over and said "Nyet!" then went back to sleep.

** thanks for the up votes! Edited out the "g" from rushing, and added bold and italics to make it easier!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tigertunderboom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2016
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Did you know that before the civil war

In school Jefferson Davis was voted most likely to secede

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyjaymes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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A pun in Australia

In Australia:

Jack: Joe, can you go to the board meeting, take my place and vote?

Joe: Ok, but I may not vote exactly as you would, Jack.

Jack: Why?

Joe: Because you are asking me to be ... a proxy, mate!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/spunoutofcontrol
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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A Political One.

Think back to the strategy employed by the Tea Party to primary out moderate Republicans and replace them with extremists.

The party kept the same name and in many ways yes kept the same policies, but underwent fundamental changes by replacing many of its parts with new, different ones, while still being the same party.

Would this strategy be called the Vote of Theseus?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StruckingFuggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2017
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me "the most secretive guy" in the office.

I can't tell you how much this award means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 18k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me β€œthe most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me β€œthe most secretive guy” they ever met.

I can’t tell you how much this means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I was voted by my coworkers as the β€œMost Secretive Guy” in the office.

I can’t tell how much this means to me.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2019
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For the 3rd year in a row I've been voted most secretive guy in the office

I can't tell you how much this means to me

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rotimi_babalola
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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