A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess I’m a dad now!
These two jacked missionaries came to my door glorifying their new gym.
I told them I had no interest in joining Jehovah's Fitness.
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
Who came first? The man or the woman?
The man, after about 30 seconds.
A guy came in with 144 rotten eggs.
I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but it came out blurry.
He has selfie-steam issues
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
A salesperson came to my door yesterday trying to sell me a coffin.
I told him, "That's the last thing I need".
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the “Guess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
My daughter came out as bi.
I asked her if she doesn't find a partner would she be on stand-bi.
What did one RNA say to another RNA after they came inside from the cold?
It's hot in here. Why do you still have your codon?
Jean-Pierre’s dream of meeting an Extra-Terrestrial finally came true. His first question for the alien was...
You must be from Mars, eh?
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
My 5 year old came up with this one. What is a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
My cat came up to me and meowed imploringly then started massaging my leg with its paws...
I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.
I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!
Another year has came and went, and there are some things I wish I could’ve done differently
this one came straight from my dad
the invention of the shovel was truly groundbreaking
I was driving down the interstate when I came across a sign for the world's largest pickle...
I turned at the next exit and found that there was a whole town around it.
Shops, restaurants, even churches devoted to this pickle.
When I finally found the museum holding this legendary pickle, I discovered it was closed.
Dismayed, I went back to the interstate.
I just never saw what the big dill was.
My 7 year old just came up with this one, made me so proud
My son went to propose his crush today with a huge smile but came back with a disappointed frown.
Me: "What's wrong, didn't it go well?"
Son:"No it didn't, she flat out rejected me. I did so much to plan this so all of it goes well, I called her to the fancy restaurant near that giant wall that holds the water and brought the best bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates too but she still said that she likes me only as a friend."
Me: "Dam son"
My dad went out for cigarettes 8 years ago & finally came back.
He said he was in the desert with his camels.
My son recently came out as pi...
I don’t get it... I didn’t raise him to be so irrational.
My buddy Jerry had to get taken to the hospital, unfortunately it looked like he needed to be operated on. He was unconscious and when he came to, he asked “what’s going to happen, am I going to be alright?”
I told my son a joke and afterwards he asked me where i came up with it
A man came home from the pet shop with loads of geese.
He only went for a gander
A joke I came up with when I was waking up this morning.
Two guys were walking down the street towards one another, the second guy bumps into the first guy and the first guy goes "Ayee, watch it. I'm Walken 'ere" and the second guy goes "oh, sorry Christopher"
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
If all social media came to an end
It would be post apocalyptic
I came across this equation on my chemistry test - C2H6O...
Looks like I have an alcohol problem.
I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now !
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
came up with this when i was seven so its gonna suck
Baby pirate: *poops*
Captain: Arrrgh who pooped
Baby Pirate: Aye Aye
I came across a broken escalator today...
My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
A girl came up to me and said she recognized me from her vegetarian restaurant. I was a bit confused.
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