I know Reddit has servers that all of our jokes are stored in, but I’ve come up with a better solution
If you are Russian when headed to the bathroom and Finnish when you come out, what are you when you are in the bathroom?
My ADHD medicine comes in a case shaped like a 3-sided polygon where each side is the same size, and the pills are distributed uniformly.
It's an equal Adderall triangle.
I'm at this party when all of a sudden this guy comes in and says "Hello I'm a builder."
I thought 'He knows how to make an entrance'.
But it turns out it was just a facade.
In laughter, the 'L' comes first...
The rest of the letters comes 'aughter' it.
Loofahs comes in 4 different sizes...
Small, Medium, Large and Vandross.
A ‘divine’ healer in his ‘miracle’ ministry called, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed for, please come forward to the front."
With that, John got in line and when it was his turn the Pastor asked, " John, what do you want me to pray for you?"
John replied, "Pastor, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The Pastor put one finger of one hand on John's ear, placed his other hand on top of John's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the Pastor removed his hands, stood back and asked: "John, how is your hearing now?"
John answered, "I don't know. My hearing is actually next Thursday in the "Magistrate Court."
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?
My sister asked "When do my wisdom teeth come in?"
"If they haven't yet, its probably because Amazon shipping has been delayed." I said.
As she was laughing, I shrugged. "I thought that was a good one. I just came to me," I paused, "Probably because I have Prime."
Why does Dr Pepper come in a bottle?
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
My boss asked me, "Why do you come out in rashes every time I give you your wages ?"
I said, "Because I am allergic to peanuts."
A family is in an amusement park and comes across an animatronic display of Al Gore playing the drums.
The mother says, "Hey everyone, look at that. Isn't that amazing?" The father, unimpressed, replies, "It's just an algorithm".
There comes a great dilemma in life of every tomato
I was excavating a large hole in my backyard in order to build an underground office. My neighbor wasn't too happy with the noise and wanted to come and see what all the commotion was about.
I told him to just leave me alone. After all, I'm just mining my own business.
When will they come to a consensus about snacks in the casino?
When everybody Lay’s their chips on the table.
Amazon has come up with a new service where they deliver custom made suits to your house in 48 hours.
It’s called Tailor Swift.
How come you never see hippos hiding in trees
Because they’re really good at it
We’ve come to a fork in the road... don’t know where to go from here..
I was told shoes come in pears
When I bought some they came in a box, guess I was lied to
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?
Fortune tellers only come in one size
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.
My wife brought home a parakeet yesterday. When she comes home, she’s in for a surprise because ...
Toucan play at this game.
What's Irish and comes out in the spring?
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
Why did I come home to find a police officer in my bed?
They were an undercover cop.
You go into the bathroom American, and you come out American... What are you when you're in the bathroom?
European
I figured we could all use a light hearted chuckle right about now.
Love you all out there and stay well!
I've just come to the realisation that in a way a baker is technically also a parent...
Because their raisin bread.
My dad comes in from mowing the lawn
DAD: "Man, I am dizzy from mowing the lawn"
ME: "Drink some water and lay down, it's hot out there!"
DAD: "Go look at the lawn" wink
He mowed the lawn in a giant circle pattern... The circumferences that man will go for a joke
Two travelers are lost in the woods when they come across a man lying in their path.
One says, “We’re saved! We can ask him for directions!” His friend, however, had a somber expression on his face.
“Doesn’t something seem off to you about this man?” he replies, gesturing to the figure lying prostrate on the road before them.
“What do you mean?” said the first, confusion splayed across his features.
“I mean we can’t trust a thing he says. He’s a pathological lier.”
Got told this one is scouts a long time ago. If you’re Russian when you’re walking in the bathroom and German when you come out, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?
Two rich dudes were hanging out in a bar. One said to the other, "Hey, you wanna come to my square island?"
The other responded "Four shore!"
If you come across a cow in post-apocalyptic times, you'd better not let it go.
That would be a missed steak.
Grandpa: Don't come in here honey, I just passed a silent one.
Grandma: You need a new battery for your hearing aid.
What's Grey And Comes In Pints?
Why do EMTs alway come in pairs?
Because they're a pair of medics!
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
You're 'merican when you go into the bathroom, and 'merican when you come out. But what are you whilst your in there?
In the word Laughter, the letter L comes first
the rest of the letters come aughter it.
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
In the life of every tomato there comes a great dilemma
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
What goes in long and hard, then comes out soft and wet?
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it!
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order: 456123?
In charge of the sequence. Yoda was.
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom and you're Finnish when you come out, what were when you were in the bathroom
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