A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/giftfrom
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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A nice rabbit hole to go into.
๐Ÿ‘︎ 230
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Leon08x
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I bring my TV remote into every sports bar I go to so I can change the channel to whatever I want.

Itโ€™s a real game changer

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/struggling-here
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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I've invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it gets within 4 inches...

DO NOT carry them in your back pocket.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 82
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VERBERD
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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I made some of my favourite puns into drawings to go on t shirts that Iโ€™ve put online! This one is my favourite โ€˜High Steaks Pokerโ€™
๐Ÿ‘︎ 22
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/chairsforthecheers
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RedLeader11037
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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It should be illegal for London to go into lockdown over Christmas!

...That's capital punishment!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/queenofthebans
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Where do fat people go when they want to see into the future?

A Four chin teller

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/trendfoll
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
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TIL: Two elephants of the same herd wonโ€™t go into the same body of water together at the same time.

Itโ€™s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/justshtmypnts
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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When you go into the bathroom you're American. When you leave the bathroom you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/wmd1234
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I saw a one handed man go into a second hand store.

He left disappointed

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ItsYoAzz
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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Dad: Son, did you know that if you, as an American, go into a bathroom in France you are no longer an American? Son: No, I didnโ€™t. What would I be?

Dad: Youโ€™re a peeinโ€™.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 60
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ProjectOcoee
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Went to go pick my glasses up from SpecSavers today and youโ€™ll never guess who I bumped into!

Everyone.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/batchyyyyy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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I tried to schedule a time to go into my local library

They were fully booked!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 28
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/TNormus
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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My dad told me that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he can go out with a bang.

I said, "Ok, boomer."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 215
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/misterrandom1
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
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Had to have blood taken today. Staff tried to put needle in but didn't go into the blood vessel.

So since it didn't go in the vein, it was in vain

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kishenoy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy. How low can you go?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 8k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/notdadbot
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?

European

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rare_Breed721
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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I burst into the kitchen and shouted at my wife, "Honey! Whatever you do, do NOT let them take your temperature on your forehead when you go into the supermarket!! It erases your memory!! I went in for bread and milk like you asked..."

"...and came out with two cases of beer!!!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 12
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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You go into the bathroom American, and you come out American... What are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

I figured we could all use a light hearted chuckle right about now.

Love you all out there and stay well!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/guitarman1103
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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Why did the mycologist go up into the hills?

He wanted to find the morel high ground.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DavdakStalkingwolf
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
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Dad said to me "Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?"

Great dad, undistinguished fireman.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Rav4xle
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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โ€ชMy son asked me to go into the house so he can tell me something funny...โ€ฌ

It was an inside jokeโ€ฌ

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/dubaidadjokes
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle

Heโ€™ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince

๐Ÿ‘︎ 112
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RiderHood
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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You're 'merican when you go into the bathroom, and 'merican when you come out. But what are you whilst your in there?

Your a 'peeing

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tankerman05
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 11 2020
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I never wanted to go to the docks, but after my friends pestered me for an hour I finally gave into pier pressure
๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/The_Bandit_TFR
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
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Why don't ghosts go into gyms?

Because people are exorcising.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 62
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/epikshit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why do judges not like to go out into the sun?

It helps them remain fair

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/vanrocks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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A man went into a toy store and ripped the arms off of every teddy bear in the store. Why did the judge let him go free?

He had the right to bear arms.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 27
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Roivas14
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
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I tried to burn my friend a new arsehole by slipping chili peppers into his food, but things didn't go as planned when he switched dishes on me.

It backfired.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jeromocles
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 08 2020
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Which prime number can go into 4?
๐Ÿ‘︎ 3k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/szymond70
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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Son, can you tie this rope into loops while I go to the bathroom?

I shit, you knot.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/RevanAndTheSithy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/oxfordthethird
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

He felt like bacon.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/shes-sonit
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 11 2020
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I used to randomly sort resumes into 2 piles. One of the piles I'd throw out. The ones in the remaining were lucky enough to go to step 2.

I guess I wasn't much of a police detective.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/thomasbrakeline
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
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Iโ€™ve been working a long time. My job is hard, unfulfilling and honestly, doesnโ€™t pay that great. I think itโ€™s time for a change of pace for me. Iโ€™ve decided to go into a completely different direction and become a pig rancher.

Itโ€™s the only way I can bring home the bacon.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/An_Imperfect_Guy
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
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I'm thinking of studying aerodynamics, but there's a chance I'll go into meteorology instead.

It's still up in the air.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Dronizian
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while youโ€™re in the bathroom?

European.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/hoopsrule44
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
You're American when you go into the bathroom, and you're American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you're in there?

European.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MemesRFunny2Me
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
If youโ€™re an American when you go into the bathroom, and youโ€™re an American when you come out, what are you while youโ€™re in there?

European

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/rtgurley
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
You go into the bathroom American. You leave the bathroom American. What are you when youโ€™re in the bathroom?

European.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/parameDICKk
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
How does an octopus go into battle?

Well armed

๐Ÿ‘︎ 193
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/katv1123
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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