Word for word what he said because he just said it a moment ago
No one expects the Spanish ink sedition
With friends like that, who needs anemones?
I know it sounds fishy, but I really think it will help to be less crabby, get out out of my shell, and have a porpoise in life.
After all, the world is my oyster!
But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with.
The judge awarded the parents joint custody of the child
...let's put a pin in that for a moment.
Dad: Make sure to put it back when you're done.
I just hit my girlfriend with this (http://imgur.com/noziMVQ).
Me: "Ahhh there's a lure going at Antico's!" (local pizza place)
Her: "I want a lure"
Me: "Don't worry babe you definitely have allure"
Her: "silence"
When we go to our location, we noticed all the apples were rotten. The first thing to come out my mouth was "Well, I guess our plan didn't come to fruition"
Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.
I was so proud.
I thought, "That's unlikely... it's a basic skill, isn't it?"
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."
Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"
"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."
The man can't believe it.
"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"
Naturally, they're both shocked.
"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."
Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."
They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.
"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"
The man puts down his fruit and responds,
"It's a date!"
He says, “uno, dos..” and then POOF he disappeared without a tres…
But then I spared him
But you didn’t like it.
He replied ”Rudolph the red knows rain dear”.
So I called her Bluff...
That has left scientists scratching their heads.
Dad: You'd better get them all cut or else it'll look uneven
For a clock.
Because its P is silent.
It was our last resort...
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
Their women are such llama queens.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
But I forgot my line
Whine o' clock
Guys named Bart, watch out.
The doctor says I can clearly see your nuts
But there is no point.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
He Ames to get a good education.
Just to make the cremation process a little bit more interesting.
Eh Eh
Are they resisting a rest?
They Tide!
But it was too novel a concept
I'll call it Little Seizures.
Somewhere over the rainbow.
(sing it, and you’ll get it)
He seems a bit lost, he's been driving home for Christmas since 1986
It will be my Civic duty.
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
"Ma'am you son dried "
It’s called Thai Food Mary
Turns out I have insufficient puns.
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282
My daughter says it will be very soothing.
On reflection though, I don’t knead to as it would be seedy, half baked, would get me rolled, wouldn’t involve me using my loaf and would leave me open to all sort of bread based buns...
But you guys didn’t like it
....but you guys didn't like it.
Because the P is silent
