Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk

One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.

The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/frozeneskimo02
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karentorres__
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
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Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...

It becomes tearable

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Love_and_Poop
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
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When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stalnoypirat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.

I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks β€œWhat are you counting?”

And the guy says β€œhow many tattoos I have now”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepsea333
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Come on, he’s only human
πŸ‘︎ 512
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AMswag123
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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come on man!
πŸ‘︎ 665
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KomikazeTheToilet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA

Set to be called the Google Chromosome.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Come on imgur, you're better than this
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kilbo_Fragginz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
🚨︎ report
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"

" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Come on now, Cap
πŸ‘︎ 392
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrinchZaddy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...

"Oh, it's the peanuts.

They're complimentary."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elawn
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...

"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Come on man..
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LosPollos23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Ms. Richie: Hey, remind me what comes after Do and Re on the musical scale?

Lionel: Hello, is it Mi you are looking for?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Come on Col, let's go fluoride
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danw_com
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download β€œCome Sail Away” or β€œSatisfaction” on ITunes. β€œTurn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however.

Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2018
🚨︎ report
So I was asking my brother how come he only uses his superpowers on my daughters

He said it’s because he only has telekinesis not telekinephews

πŸ‘︎ 315
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainHalfrica
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Max Sweet and Eliza Stakes are robbing a bank when suddenly the lights come on

Max turns and says, " Miss Stakes, we're made"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oupablo
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !

Yesterday he brought a dog along

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend asked how I cut my chin as I walked out of the bathroom this morning. Come on.. what is the simplest explanation?

I cut myself shaving

With occam's razor!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klinquist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hank_the_Hand
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
After browsing recipes on Reddit, I come away believing there’s only one way to prepare my chicken.

You should breddit.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tmarsee530
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Come on Harry, it’s not that hard.
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shannonhtv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver.

I spent all my money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it!

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattAmoroso
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My 4.5 year old is on to me ... comes up to me and says:

β€œHi, Dad, my name is Thirsty, can I please have a cup of water?”

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Come on, Son, we have to go to this bathroom.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because is the the men’s room. We go in the men’s room.

Son: Why?

Dad: Because we’re men.

Son: Why?

Dad: That’s correct

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deaconheel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh come on
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkborders
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Come on... how was this not caught?!
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealMasschine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Come into a chemistry classroom to find this on the board
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pickle_n_Mustache
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
The big moron and the little moron are on a bridge. The big moron fell off. How come the little moron didn't fall off?

He was a little "more on."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eatonat
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate those people who come and pound on your door, telling you to get out or you’ll burn.

Stupid firefighters.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Come on man, get real!
πŸ‘︎ 145
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
So i recently read that the Norwegian Government put bar codes on their ships. That means that when a ship comes in, they have to

Scandinavian.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Overlevendeftw
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I hate when people ask me where I'll be in two years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.
πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mblondey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said β€œcome on mate, make your mind up”.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/matthewbowers88
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"

The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blekais
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
How come shrimp on Broadway don't share?

They are show shellfish.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
A husband comes home and finds his amputee wife lying in the bathtub with the shower head on, crying.

He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ironfist221
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
[Baba O’Riley comes on] Son, do you know who sings this song?

Who?

Kid knows his music

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blisterson
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
My gf calls me up and says,"come on over,theres nobody home."

I went over,there was nobody home!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 229
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver.

After spending all that money, I've got nothing to chauffeur it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dangoodspeed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.

I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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