Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
He’s my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
There’s two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking it’s junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you can’t do that. That dog’ll bite you.
Found at my local Trader Joe’s.... I mean come on... you laughed... Right?!
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.
I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
A tattoo artist has a guy come in and get a new mark on an expanding list of hash marks. After a few sessions the tattoo artist asks “What are you counting?”
And the guy says “how many tattoos I have now”
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
Come on imgur, you're better than this
A man has to poop and has no toilet paper his friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back with poop on his fingers...." Why is there poop on your fingers"
" it's hard to wipe with 3 quarters 2 dimes and a nickel"
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
A man sits down at a bar. After a moment, he hears a voice behind him say "Hey, that shirt looks great on you!" He turns around, and nobody is there. Confused, he asks the bartender, "Where did that voice come from?" The bartender says...
"Oh, it's the peanuts.
They're complimentary."
There was a herd of cows on this big hill. A big gust of wind came by and blew all the smaller cows away. Puzzled, the rancher went up to one of the bulls that were still standing and asks,"How come you bulls are still standing?" The bull replies...
"Cuz we bulls wobble but we don't fall down."
Every morning on my way to work, the same bike comes and tries to run me over.
Ms. Richie: Hey, remind me what comes after Do and Re on the musical scale?
Lionel: Hello, is it Mi you are looking for?
Come on Col, let's go fluoride
Tech tip: It’s dangerous to download “Come Sail Away” or “Satisfaction” on ITunes. “Turn, Turn, Turn” is perfectly fine however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
So I was asking my brother how come he only uses his superpowers on my daughters
He said it’s because he only has telekinesis not telekinephews
Max Sweet and Eliza Stakes are robbing a bank when suddenly the lights come on
Max turns and says, " Miss Stakes, we're made"
This German shepherd comes has a poo on my lawn every day !
Yesterday he brought a dog along
Girlfriend asked how I cut my chin as I walked out of the bathroom this morning. Come on.. what is the simplest explanation?
I cut myself shaving
With occam's razor!
I asked my skydiving instructor what I should do if my parachute doesn't work. He said when it comes to that, we'll figure it out on the fly.
After browsing recipes on Reddit, I come away believing there’s only one way to prepare my chicken.
Come on Harry, it’s not that hard.
I spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver.
I spent all my money and I've got nothing to chauffeur it!
My 4.5 year old is on to me ... comes up to me and says:
“Hi, Dad, my name is Thirsty, can I please have a cup of water?”
Come on, Son, we have to go to this bathroom.
Son: Why?
Dad: Because is the the men’s room. We go in the men’s room.
Son: Why?
Dad: Because we’re men.
Son: Why?
Dad: That’s correct
Come on... how was this not caught?!
Come into a chemistry classroom to find this on the board
The big moron and the little moron are on a bridge. The big moron fell off. How come the little moron didn't fall off?
He was a little "more on."
I hate those people who come and pound on your door, telling you to get out or you’ll burn.
So i recently read that the Norwegian Government put bar codes on their ships. That means that when a ship comes in, they have to
I hate when people ask me where I'll be in two years, come on guys I don't have 2020 vision.
I saw Kian from Westlife drinking a can of red bull. I said “come on mate, make your mind up”.
A young-looking sea captain comes on deck to greet his crew for the first time and one man blurted out by accident, "He's a baby!"
The captain responded, "No shit, I used to be a seaman."
How come shrimp on Broadway don't share?
A husband comes home and finds his amputee wife lying in the bathtub with the shower head on, crying.
He feels pity at the sight and asks "What's wrong, love?" She turns to him and says "I can't stand showering without my legs"
[Baba O’Riley comes on] Son, do you know who sings this song?
My gf calls me up and says,"come on over,theres nobody home."
I went over,there was nobody home!
Whenever I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments of my high school days come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
Spent $300 on a limo and it didn't even come with a driver.
After spending all that money, I've got nothing to chauffeur it.
Every time I lie down on my new bed, all the embarrassing moments from high school come flooding back to me.
I shouldn’t have bought the repressed memory foam mattress.
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