A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Our Chinese food came without any cookies…
My 5yo blew us away with this original that he came up with all on his own. What do you call two ice dragons?
Twice dragons.
Update: honestly thank you everyone, you guys are totally making this kids day! Distance learning in kindergarten has been rough and he misses seeing his friends pretty hard, so when I told him about this (I was able to use “Wreck-It Ralph : Ralph breaks the Internet” and buzz tube with likes/hearts as a reference) he’s been smiling from ear to ear nonstop since! A million thankyou‘s for the kind words and awards.
My neighbor, Mr. Coffee, came stumbling into the police station this morning.
Apparently, he had been mugged.
I put a piece of wood in my garage and came back the next day and there were two pieces. The day after 4 and the day after that 8!
A shitty pun that came to me in a dream.
My son came out with this one today; My teacher told me to have a good day...
Do you know which Knight it was who came up with the Round Table?
Sir Cumference
(My dad's a math teacher)
I was peacefully eating my Chinese soup, until a guy came out of nowhere and flipped the bowl, spilling my soup everywhere and ruining my meal.
This was an act of wonton destruction.
My dad had a burning question about grammar and I didn't know the answer so I came here to ask it.
His question was, "Is 'buttcheeks' one word?"
"Or should I spread them apart?"
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess I’m a dad now!
My daughter (6) and I were watching a show where the phrase “gelatinous mass” came up..
..so I blurted out, “That’s what jellyfish call church!”
rimshot
My wife came home from work stressed out from her day. I asked her how I could help, she asked me to draw her a bath.
I showed her the drawing I made, she replied “that wasn’t really what I had pictured...”
I came across a tiny fish urinating.
I asked its name and she said "Elle." That's right, I saw Elle, a minnow, pee.
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
My senile old father came out into the yard, as my kid was feeding the squirrels and started yelling, "Shooo! Shooo!" At them.
I just didn't have the heart to tell him they were squirrels; not shoes. As long as he doesn't try to put them on again. That got messy.
My 8 year son old came up with this yesterday
You know what an eight year old would be most sad about if he or she lost their pinky?
Not being able to make pinky promises.
Do you know how Thanos came up with his horrible plans?
These two jacked missionaries came to my door glorifying their new gym.
I told them I had no interest in joining Jehovah's Fitness.
Screwing in some camera mounts and I dropped my drill, it came so close to hitting my daughter in the head...
Good thing it was only a drill!
My new pencil sharpener came with a good set of instructions.
It was full of useful pointers.
Who came first? The man or the woman?
The man, after about 30 seconds.
Came in from the cold and my girlfriend said “Your eyelashes are icicles!”
I said “and my balls are testicles”
A guy came in with 144 rotten eggs.
Mother in law came for dinner and asked, "Why does your dog keep staring at me?"
"Because you're using his plate."
My daughter came into my "home office" (closet) and said, "You wanna hear a joke?" I told her that I did
Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
Our coach came storming into the bank.
He said he wanted his quarter back.
I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but it came out blurry.
He has selfie-steam issues
A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is highly overrated.
My wife came back from the store complaining about how the lady at the register was a total bitch.
I asked her if she was at self check out. Looks like I'm sleeping on the couch.
The Mandalorian came across Little Ms. Muffet having difficulty with her meal. He stopped to help, letting her know...
"These are the curds and this is the Whey."
A salesperson came to my door yesterday trying to sell me a coffin.
I told him, "That's the last thing I need".
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
2 of our friends came over at around 1 AM and to be honest, I was a bit embarrassed to let them in
Hadn’t cleaned the house all year
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the “Guess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
What did one RNA say to another RNA after they came inside from the cold?
It's hot in here. Why do you still have your codon?
My 5 year old came up with this one. What is a skeleton's favorite weapon?
A bone and arrow (Kid loves to play minecraft sooo... yeah)
My daughter came out as bi.
I asked her if she doesn't find a partner would she be on stand-bi.
Jean-Pierre’s dream of meeting an Extra-Terrestrial finally came true. His first question for the alien was...
You must be from Mars, eh?
Last night, taking a walk on the beach... Came across a police car stuck in the sand about 3 feet from the water...I asked the driver what happened...
He said the police were expecting a crime wave
My cat came up to me and meowed imploringly then started massaging my leg with its paws...
Another year has came and went, and there are some things I wish I could’ve done differently
I stole my girlfriend’s wheelchair, guess who came crawling back.
I hope the people who saw this have a wonderful day!
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