They’re punning lyrics to a song from a movie.
They're building a mirror factory in my town.
I could definitely see myself working there.
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
Why do British people say they’re “bri’ish”?
There's been a lot of people who aren't Dad's making Dad jokes on here recently. If you're not a Dad you shouldn't be making Dad Jokes.
What do you need if you’re cold, while on the moon?
You're damn right it will
My wife texted me saying "Your great!". I responded, "No, you're great!" She said the text made her day when she got home.
I guess she really likes being corrected on her grammar.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...
She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”
They're finally spilling the beans
Somebody stole my Microsoft office and they're going to pay.
What do search engines say when they're happy ?
Okay, seriously, ENOUGH with the gay jokes. They're not funny.
You’re never wrong when you write
My wife said "I'm leaving you because you're always pretending to be a transformer"
I said "no wait, I can change."
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Have you heard they’re making Christmas themed tampons?
They’re for the festive period!
We're going to buy some glasses
Losing 20£ is easy if you know what you're doing.
In case you're feeling crummy.
When visiting Hawaii, you're not allowed to laugh out loud.
Time flies when you're having fun
Meanwhile one frog to another, "Times fun when you're having flies"
Officer: You’re under arrest for stealing the Wikipedia servers...
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.” I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Don't ever try eating a clock if you're in a hurry
Oman! You’re about to read some terrible stuff.
“I live in Spain without the ‘s’”.
This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.
It’s about to Bahrain jokes without the “Bah”.
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I have a double China without the “a”.
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Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the “an”.
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Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.
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You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the “J”.
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You probably can’t Kuwait to stop reading these without the “Ku”.
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Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.
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As you’ve probably guessed, I don’t even have one Nepal without the “Ne”.
All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food.
Why am I always India-r need of food?
I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the “Den”, of course.
So if you're in line for Pho are you in the
You know you're getting old when...
You go from hip-hopping, to hip popping.
If we're not supposed to eat at night...
Why do they put a light in a fridge?
Twenty Twenty won, and we're not out of the water yet! 2022 is Twenty Twenty too!
"Son, you're not cut out to be a mime artist."
"Was it something I said?"
"YES!!"
Where should you go in a room if you’re feeling cold?
The corner – they’re usually 90 degrees.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE A DAD WHEN…
• you suddenly know all the words to every Eagles song.
• you get up early on a Saturday morning to make sure you’ll be tired enough for a couch nap that afternoon.
• you change your car’s oil exactly every 2,000 miles.
• mowing the lawn is no longer a chore, but a privilege.
• you can actually tell old John Wayne movies apart.
• your idea of fun is aimlessly wandering around the home improvement section of any store.
Some people think it's inappropriate to make a dad joke if you're not a dad.
What happens when you're looking for the Mortal Kombat soundtrack?
Don’t blame others for the road that you’re on
If you're Russian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?
Sex when you're camping is the ultimate rush.
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
I’m in Tampa bay right now and they’re selling corn on the cob...
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
Soldier 1: "zz~ WE'RE TAKING A LOT OF SHOTS OVER HERE!"
Soldier 2: "zz~ ALRIGHT, DON'T DRINK TOO MUCH!"
So they're getting rid of the essay portion of the SAT
Just calling it the T exam now.
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