They’re punning lyrics to a song from a movie.
Does this mean we're doomed?
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
Why is it pronounced "Bri'ish" if you're from Britain?
Because they drank the 't'
Did you hear they’re making a movie about the guy who invented the tampon?
They're building a mirror factory in my town
I could see myself working there.
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, “You’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
"So you're saying these carbon monoxide sensors are good?"
"Well, no one has come back with a complaint yet."
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
Did you hear they’re making a Tetris movie?
I bet it’ll be a blockbuster
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,
we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.
My friend broke his leg, so I wrote, "You're stupid " on his cast.
I was adding insult to injury
You’re doomed if you don’t know what “suffix” means
It really is the end of the word
If you're ever attacked by a horde of clowns...
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?
Due to complaints, Hawaii passed a law where you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel
You can only use a low ha
They're now training monkeys to be suicide bombers and they are known as.....
When you're down, by the sea, and an eel bites your knee...
Backup singers re-choired
If we're all God's children...
....what's so special about Jesus ?
What do you smoke when you're underwater?
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"
"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."
Have you heard they’re cleaning pigs with ham sanitizer?
I told my suitcases we're not going anywhere for at least 6 months.
Now I'm stuck here dealing with all this emotional baggage.
A police officer told a coffee maker "you're under arrest"!
The coffee maker asked "on what grounds"?
If they cloned the Dodo that could be considered a re-Dodo.
A dating profile said “Tell me you’re vaccinated”
So my first message to her was “You’re vaccinated.”
If you're having a hard time peeing,
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
How do you know you're getting old?
You volunteer at a museum and they put you in a display case.
If you're here for the yodelling lesson....
....please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.
Apologies in advance for the worst joke you're going to hear for a while. Why are millenials more susceptible to osteoporosis?
Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.
When 2 things just work together perfectly they're a
Did you hear about the new high school math competition they're calling "extreme "fractioning"?
We’re getting a grey cat named Ozzy on Sunday
Call that a Black Sabbath
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"
Me: It's an olfactory response.
What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed?
Over heard a customer at my store say “OK we’re done let’s hit the road”
I butted in and said don’t do that it’ll hurt.
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".
" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.
If you're born on Earth Day,
then it's your B-Earth-Day
(Note: Yes, I'm born on Earth Day and hence am posting this.)
How do you know if you're in a cafe that makes a real good cup of tea?
Did you hear about the thief who was re-arrested in the courtroom?
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that you’re no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...
Now you can only use a low ha
If you're here for the yodelling lesson...
please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
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