They’re punning lyrics to a song from a movie.
πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ATMiceli
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Does this mean we're doomed?
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do people say "we're running late " even when they're not running?
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is it pronounced "Bri'ish" if you're from Britain?

Because they drank the 't'

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JenovasChild666
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they’re making a movie about the guy who invented the tampon?

It’s a period piece.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Berjiwhir
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
They're building a mirror factory in my town

I could see myself working there.

πŸ‘︎ 406
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mars-is-hot
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
"So you're saying these carbon monoxide sensors are good?"

"Well, no one has come back with a complaint yet."

πŸ‘︎ 177
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SystemLog
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...

....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b_wanker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear they’re making a Tetris movie?

I bet it’ll be a blockbuster

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyCatlc
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
*Whose/You're
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: Archaeologists believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson for the dig said they're so badly chewed on the ends,

we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 596
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PavilionFlux
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
My friend broke his leg, so I wrote, "You're stupid " on his cast.

I was adding insult to injury

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
You’re doomed if you don’t know what β€œsuffix” means

It really is the end of the word

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2021
🚨︎ report
If you're ever attacked by a horde of clowns...

...go for the juggler.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you say to warn your family you're about to test a new dad joke on them?

Try this on for sighs.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/llort_tsoper
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Due to complaints, Hawaii passed a law where you're not allowed to laugh above a certain decibel

You can only use a low ha

πŸ‘︎ 328
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Da_Brootalz
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
They're now training monkeys to be suicide bombers and they are known as.....

Baboom.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
When you're down, by the sea, and an eel bites your knee...

That's a moray.

πŸ‘︎ 69
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Backup singers re-choired
πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2021
🚨︎ report
If we're all God's children...

....what's so special about Jesus ?

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you smoke when you're underwater?

A seagar :)

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermoustache0
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Guy tries to board a plane with a dead racoon. The flight attendant says, "sir, you're going to have to check that"

"Don't worry," he replies, "It's carrion."

πŸ‘︎ 692
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jsradford
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Have you heard they’re cleaning pigs with ham sanitizer?

That’s just hogwash!

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my suitcases we're not going anywhere for at least 6 months.

Now I'm stuck here dealing with all this emotional baggage.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caleb-the-God
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2021
🚨︎ report
A police officer told a coffee maker "you're under arrest"!

The coffee maker asked "on what grounds"?

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fireburner80
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2021
🚨︎ report
If they cloned the Dodo that could be considered a re-Dodo.
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salsapancake
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
A dating profile said β€œTell me you’re vaccinated”

So my first message to her was β€œYou’re vaccinated.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
🚨︎ report
If you're having a hard time peeing,

Urine trouble

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pacos-ego
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Also true if you're a bad writer imgur.com/tj7O4N2
πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FilthyPlay
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2021
🚨︎ report
"Fool me once - I'm mad. Fool me twice - How could you? Fool me three times - You're officially that guy, okay?"
πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Retroman_86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you know you're getting old?

You volunteer at a museum and they put you in a display case.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
If you're here for the yodelling lesson....

....please form an orderly, orderly, orderly, orderly queue.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Apologies in advance for the worst joke you're going to hear for a while. Why are millenials more susceptible to osteoporosis?

Because so many of them are degenerative hipsters.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
When 2 things just work together perfectly they're a
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_The_2nd_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the new high school math competition they're calling "extreme "fractioning"?

It's intenths!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spacegeese
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2021
🚨︎ report
We’re getting a grey cat named Ozzy on Sunday

Call that a Black Sabbath

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Upexus
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Dead Oar Alive, You're Coming With Me
πŸ‘︎ 77
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dramaticskill12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2021
🚨︎ report
If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?

European

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/uhsorrybro
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
As we're driving through an industrial area, kid asks, "Why does this place smell terrible?"

Me: It's an olfactory response.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LateralAxes
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you need to do when you’re addicted to sea weed?

Sea kelp

πŸ‘︎ 377
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spec1aLEddy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Over heard a customer at my store say β€œOK we’re done let’s hit the road”

I butted in and said don’t do that it’ll hurt.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/insanotard
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My son has recently taken up an interest in music. We're constantly going back and forth trying to stump the other with trivia. He thought he had me when he chorused, "Hey, dad, what genre are national anthems?!" I laughed, "That's easy!"

"Country!"

πŸ‘︎ 590
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2021
🚨︎ report
I met a beautiful cactus today, so I told it, " you're looking sharp today ".

" I'm just a cactus " , it said. " You have a point there ", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Magnusfeli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're born on Earth Day,

then it's your B-Earth-Day

(Note: Yes, I'm born on Earth Day and hence am posting this.)

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilPotato1216
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you know if you're in a cafe that makes a real good cup of tea?

It's a property

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AEvans1888
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the thief who was re-arrested in the courtroom?

He took the stand.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cabemon
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Due to noise complaints, they passed a law in Hawaii that you’re no longer allowed to laugh above a certain decibel...

Now you can only use a low ha

πŸ‘︎ 90
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thedudenamedjay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
If you're here for the yodelling lesson...

please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

πŸ‘︎ 115
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VictimOfRhythm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
🚨︎ report

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