Is anyone interested in my religion that worships pinto beans?

We believe they're holy frijoles!

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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How do mice worship?

By praising cheeses.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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Who do the dairy people worship?

Cheeses.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaylicious17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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Which deity did the Aztecs worship at lunchtime?

Pretzelcoatl

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragontail
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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What do you call insects that bite you during worship?

Mosque-itos.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jomr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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My neighbour worships exhaust pipes

He's a catholic converter

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simfy44
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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What do you call Ancient Egyptian males that worship the sun?

Ramen

(Joke derived from u/praetorsolaris)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TROLLDLLR
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
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I heard about a cult that worships the number zero.

Is nothing sacred?

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flipester
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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I'm EGGnostic I worship the egg
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magicmaxmark
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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In house of worship today, I prayed, "deity of choice, please help me to be less judgemental!"

Then I thought, "stop judging yourself, you bastard!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
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Who do Texan Muslims worship?

Y’allah

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RHS_Aidan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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What do you call people who worship paper bags?

Sacreligious

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ahernia
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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What do you call someone that worships The Fonz?

An ayyye theist.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/StripedTiger711
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2017
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I tried to join a worship group...

But it was diffi CULT

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingMidas99
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2015
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Raking at my place of worship gave birth to an unfunny dad joke

I was gathering the leaves from my huge pile of leaves and placing them in a garbage bag inside of a garbage can. To squeeze them down, I lifted my foot up and stomped on the leaves. One of my buddies who's like 13 says to me from the other side of the fence "All you can do is hurt leaves." I stare back at him and say "so the others know they better leave me alone."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elcielo17
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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Our church just replaced our giant wood pulpit for a smaller metal pulpit that is equally heavy.

We are now a heavy metal church.

We will be introducing Black Sabbath to our worship set soon.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cruckel2687
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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Thinking of becoming a Satan worshiper

Just for hell of it.

πŸ‘︎ 856
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kopextacy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2016
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Calcium Oxide went to India. And people there started worshiping him.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anshulnegi2152000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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What do you get when you cross a blood sucking arachnid with a moon worshiping cult?

A lunatic.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MicroMatrixx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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What does Keanu Reeves use to dry his tears when Keanu Grieves?

Keanu Sleeves

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Delicious_Albino
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
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My son told me he's Vegan and I'm worried about devil stuff!

I am afraid he'll worship Seitan!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Had to return this cookie it had a hare in it
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjhoneycut2478
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2019
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Why do ants don't go to church?

Because they are in sects

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/schoblovski
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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Do you know why I consider my warehouse job a sacred thing?

Because worshipping pallets!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrguykloss
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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Coworker said, "if you do that again, I'll kick you in the shin."

"That's alright, I wore shinguards today."

"...why?"

"Just for kicks!"

All I got for my wit was a deadpan look and a slow head shake.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/downhillcarver
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2014
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What do you call a dyslexic Satanist?

Someone who worships Santa.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VoidKingOfSwing
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2018
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Did you hear about the guy who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/h8speech
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2016
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Why are Christians so good at calculating perpendicular vectors?

They worship the cross product.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthEwok42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2016
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[I've extended the original!] // What do you call a blind deer?

No eye deer.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs?

Still no eye deer.

What do you call a blind deer with no legs & no genitalia?

Still no f*cking eye deer!

What do you call a blind deer with no legs & no genitalia that's been worshipping the devil?

Still no f*cking goddamned eye deer!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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New Religion

I was taking my daughter and her friend to get a snack and they started talking about starting a new religion where everyone worshipped food.

I said, "If a part of your congrgation breaks away to only worship the sweet foods, would you call them desserters?"

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PorterPotPie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2014
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He's not a dad but I'm pretty sure I got dadjoked at rehearsal this evening.

I lead the worship team at church and I'm the only one with a key to the instrument room. I went to get the key and when I came back, my keyboardist was banging his head on the door over and over.

I said, "were you just gonna try breaking it down like that? I do have a key."

He replied, "well, I thought I was making good headway."

He may have a head injury. Also, he's in his fifties.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lady_S_87
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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My dad dadjoked me on FB (longish)

His post, which I took at face value until the DJ:

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crayish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2014
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Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

(got this from my dad, in a chain email no less.)

Do Las Vegas churches accept gambling chips?

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas , but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
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Calcium Oxide went to India. And people there started worshiping him.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/anshulnegi2152000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
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