Religious puns
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2019
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What religious positions are open for women?

Nun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nonservia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I recently staged an intervention for my religious feline addict.

Needless to say, he's not a Catholic anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bballconnor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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I hired a group of protestant religious sect members to haul my furniture to my new house...

They were movers and Shakers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2020
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What's a religious businessperson's favorite type of business?

Sole proprietorship

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πŸ‘€︎ u/allymeow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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How did the religious man cross the raging river?

He took a leap of faith!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphaboss
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
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I decided to leave my strict, religious Pennsylvanian community to raise ducks. When I told my father, he said "Son, you have a choice"

You can either be a Quaker, or a Quacker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fischerkidd
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Do you know that a religious person should have bagels for breakfast everyday?

They are as holy as food can get.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/loopystring
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
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Do you know what is the most religious chord?

Gsus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chokeolattemilk
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
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What do you call a metal religious woman?

Aluminun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheesybacon250
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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What did the illiterate guy say when he saw a religious referee on a morning jog?

A Ref runned!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schwanz_Hintern64
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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Why doesn't Santa have much of a religious opinion during the holidays?

Due to his diet, he tends to be eggnog-stic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pricklydoughball
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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What do you call a religious cat-lover?
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2019
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What do you call a religious hawk?

A bird of pray

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nick3797
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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What do you call a religious fruit?

A preach.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/angstyslut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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I don't drink for religious reasons.

I drink for completely other reasons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/vonBirckholz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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What's a surfer's favorite religious book?

Duderonomy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thelionmermaid
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2019
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Which birds are the most religious?

Birds of prey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carrocko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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My friend loves fancy cheese so much it's almost religious.

You might say she has a personal relationship with cheeses.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfDa
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19 2019
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My very religious Aunt attends mass daily.

She says that's because missing church for seven days makes one weak!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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Who is the most religious animal in the animal kingdom?

The mantis, because they are always praying.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.

It was called Diffi cult.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
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Why are Eagles so religious?

because they’re birds of prey

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adc2502
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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When you're not religious but will always throw a party
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πŸ‘€︎ u/queenofmynothing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
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Why are charities becoming non religious?

Because they are non prophet organisations.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Boylaaa
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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He came out as bi to his religious mother. She went to the Fish and Wildlife Service to ask for help.

She didn't know how to handle a bison

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaGmBr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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I had to fire my Christian guitar tutor. He was too religious. I wanted to learn guitar, but all he kept talking about was

G-sus

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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What do you call a religious nomad?

Roman Catholic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Meat-beater-mitch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2019
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How many religious women does it take to change a lightbulb?

Nun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nicolaskg
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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Which animal species is the most religious?

MONK-eys

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bully90
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
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Four hundred years ago, the pagan minority in Salem learned a valuable lesson about dealing with religious fanaticism

Be careful what you witch for

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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What do you call a religious grasshopper?

A preying mantis.

P.S. I proceeded to call myself ingenious after making this while pointing at the jeans I was wearing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mukundan_chariar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2018
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I'm turning my life around and joining a religious order.

I'm getting out of the frying pan, into the friar!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kakulu_Mono
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
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Let’s start a religious fitness training group. We can call it

Jehovah’s Fitness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roiroiroiyourboat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2018
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So my neighbor is super religious...

Honestly the most religious guy I've ever known. He even passes out fliers from r/nofap and its fuckin' hilarious.

His only redeeming quality though is that runs the top rated butcher shop in all of Chicago (his Kobe beef is pretty fuckin' amazing).

You honestly can't beat the meat in his shop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maace94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2017
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My wife is not exactly religious…

She thinks Noah was married to Joan of Ark…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2017
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I was taking naughty pictures of my ficus plant when my religious friend said...

"What a photo sin this is!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dopeghostandy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2014
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Where do men in religious Holy Orders sleep at night?

In monk beds

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
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What do you call a religious group that is hard to join?

A DiffiCult

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisisfuctup
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
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What is the most religious amount?

Nun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SubMGK
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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How do Mexicans celebrate Indian religious festivals?

They eat Holi mole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WermTerd
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
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People think I'm religious because I married a nun

I got nun yesterday, nun today, and I'll be getting nun tomorrow

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ctp722
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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My dad is a religious man, and whenever I would lie as a kid, he would say, β€œDo you know where liars go?”

β€œNot where they say they’re going.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehPWNwhale
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2018
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Why are some horses religious?

They're prey animals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/That_One_Engi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2017
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My girlfriend’s parents are very religious and the first time I was at their house, her dad told me we weren’t allowed to sleep together...

It was a bit of a shame...he was very attractive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
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I've recently started a religious order devoted to cutting up and frying potatoes.

We're the Chip Monks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Klogaroth
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2017
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Half a dozen Indians separated from Hinduism to join another religion. Unfortunately, this troubled them greatly and they fell ill when they branched off into their own religious group.

If you want to join you need to seek six sick Sikhs sect.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janus10
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2017
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What religious sect makes you pay five times for everything?

Pentecostals

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CADaniels
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2016
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I'm in the business of religious skydiving..

Prophets are falling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hypeting
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2013
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Dad joke on religious icons.

"Who led the Jews through a semi-permeable membrane?"

"Os-moses"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoba333
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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Religious fanatics give Islamabad name.
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2015
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Why was the religious chef sacked from the ice-cream parlor?

He refused to work on sundaes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2017
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Most nuns today no longer where the stereotypical religious garb, but they still dress in simple clothing...

out of habit.

^(edit: wear*)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seekunrustlement
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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My grandmother has many religious statues, crosses, and cats in her house.

No doubt she's a Cat-holic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/23farendheight
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2017
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I tried buying from a religious store and got a lemon!

I suppose you get what you prayed for..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IMadeABadPun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2016
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What do you call a religious bag of weed?

Holy smokes....

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xX_Opie-Wan_Xx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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My aunt taught me to do religious scenes in needlepoint when i was young.

they were all cross-stitched

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kneescotts
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
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The girlfriend with a religious identity crisis declares "If that exists, I'm a Christian rebel".

"So you're a Protestant."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tamer_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2016
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What do you call a religious dad joke?

Prophetic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nickyno
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2016
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Religious Kleptomaniacs

Kleptomaniacs take the Bible literally.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scardeal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2016
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Do you have any of that religious cheese?

You know, cheesus of nazareth

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quzmatross
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2015
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Religious Sports Radio

Listening to the Notre Dame football game on XM; turns out it was being broadcast on a catholic satellite radio station.

I said, "That's weird. Football isn't even that religious of a sport!"

My dad replied, "Nope. Lacrosse is!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/delsol10
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
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mildly religious dad joke?

(in church)

the priest: 'Let us pray.'

my dad: 'They do?'

^lettuce ^pray

^^ha

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justifiedmadness
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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Someone was giving out bibles for Halloween and I left it on the counter. We aren't religious
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdviceBiker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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A religious fanatic walks into a wedding between a couple of fruits

He yells, "You, Cantaloupe!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissteve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
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Dad let this one go in front of my religious aunt. Needless to say, we we're uninvited to Easter dinner.

Did you hear, Jesus and a couple of 2x4s walked into a bar. They got hammered together.

I don't know what her problem was, I think dad nailed it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barthm1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Dad joke about religious etiquette

Friend: Does this letter I wrote to my priest look okay?

Me: I don't think you should end your letter with SIN-cerely.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoba333
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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What do you call a very religious bird?

A bird of pray.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Camo_Doge
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2017
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