Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
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︎ Feb 23 2021
They're building a mirror factory in my town.
I could definitely see myself working there.
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Whenever you're in the jungle, the urge to sing.
Is only ever
A whim away
A whim away
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Friend: βYou told me you were interesting, but youβre literally always in bedβ
Me: βI said I was INTO RESTING!β
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︎ Feb 11 2021
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
I told him, βI donβt think they have what youβre looking for, sir.β
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︎ Dec 17 2020
As a rule of thumb ALWAYS have a squid on your side when you're in a fight
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︎ Feb 05 2021
In case you're feeling crummy.
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︎ Sep 21 2020
My wife rang me at the pub and said, βIf youβre not home in 10 minutes, Iβm giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.β I was home in 5 minutes.
Iβd hate for anything to happen to the dog.
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︎ Sep 06 2020
Don't ever try eating a clock if you're in a hurry
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︎ Jan 14 2021
So if you're in line for Pho are you in the
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︎ Jan 13 2021
Where should you go in a room if youβre feeling cold?
The corner β theyβre usually 90 degrees.
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︎ Feb 03 2021
If you're Russian in the kitchen what are you in the bathroom?
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Iβm in Tampa bay right now and theyβre selling corn on the cob...
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︎ Feb 07 2021
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Weβre in the process of potty training my two year old. My wife took her into the bathroom and argued with her that sheβs not allowed to take toys into the bathroom.
I interrupted her and told her that it is in fact called a toy-let.
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︎ Feb 07 2021
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
If YOUβRE cold, THEYβRE cold. Let that sink in
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︎ Dec 08 2020
Dress warm if youβre in DC today!
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Iβm in a band and weβre making an album about bipolar disorder, with no singing
Itβs going to be an instru-mental album
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︎ Feb 02 2021
A group in Denmark is trying to convince the government to use old Legos to re-pave their highways...
...unfortunately, they've been running into a lot of road blocks.
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︎ Dec 02 2020
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
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︎ Dec 05 2020
My 16 year old son was in the kitchen baking up a storm when my wife came downstairs. "What are you doing?" she asked him. "I'm going to have a bake sale to buy a car," he answered. "Where on earth did you get that idea? We're in a pandemic! No one is going to buy baked goods!" He said...
"I heard on Reddit that you need cake to get the car, ma."
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︎ May 06 2020
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is theyβre working on a self driving boat as well.
Theyβre going to call it the iAye
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︎ Dec 24 2020
Don't blame others for the road you're on in life.
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︎ Nov 22 2020
Iceberg!! Iceberg!! We're in a titanic pickle here
But lettuce romaine calm, help will turnip soon
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︎ Nov 16 2020
When you go into the bathroom you're American. When you leave the bathroom you're American. What are you when you're in the bathroom?
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︎ Nov 10 2020
Jeff it looks like youβre in a ruff situation..
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︎ Sep 22 2020
Imagine you're in a pitch dark room and you have no idea how to escape.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
If you're ever in India you have to check out my favorite restaurant
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︎ Oct 12 2020
Physician: So youβre telling me that you have an obsession with a certain file type in Microsoft Office?
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︎ Oct 20 2020
Did you hear that they're building a new trampoline park in Beijing?
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︎ Oct 22 2020
As I was getting in bed, she said, "youβre drunk."
I said, "How do you know?"
She said, "You live next door."
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Pandas are very violent creatures when they're brought in for visits
Everyone knows a panda eats shoots and leaves.
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︎ Sep 26 2020
Nurses in the maternity ward donβt want babies to be in shock by the temperature change when theyβre born.
So they make sure itβs set at womb temperature.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
If you're American in the living room, then what are you in the bathroom?
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︎ Aug 31 2020
When you're in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.
Then you'll get a "Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis."
Edit: Thanks for the Platinum stranger! Wow!
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︎ Aug 26 2019
When a feline turns 13 they're 65 in cat years, so that means they are eligible for MediCare.
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︎ Sep 24 2020
I just learned that they're giving away soda in the Swiss mountains.
Apparently there's a guy up there just shouting, "Freeeee Colaaaaa"
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︎ Sep 02 2020
In England, if you pay money to live in a toilet, you can tell people you're a loo tenant
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︎ Jul 15 2020
My kids were watching a show about identical twins re-united after being separated at birth, and in disbelief that they were wearing matching outfits when they met up.
I said, well, they do have the same genes.
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︎ Aug 06 2020
Before going to the washroom, youβre βmerican. After going to the washroom, youβre βmerican. When youβre in the washroom...
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︎ Jul 21 2020
How do you know when youβre in love with a robot?
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︎ Aug 07 2020
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
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︎ Sep 17 2020
If you're Russian in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?
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︎ Aug 15 2020
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while youβre in the bathroom?
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︎ Jul 11 2020
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
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︎ Jul 02 2020
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