Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house.

Last night during a pretty aggressive thunderstorm, a huge lightening strike, along with an incredibly deafening thunder clap happened right next to our house. It was about 11pm and Susan was snuggled up to her Mother next to me in our bed. After a few seconds of Lori saying something soothing to our 9 year old she was holding, saying something like 'its ok, its just a little storm, we are safe...', I call out to our older 12 year old in her room just next door.

"Sarah!?" I called to her, in my normal tone to get her attention.

"Yeah? What?" She responded.

"Was that you?" I called back.

After a long pause Sarah replied "No Dad. That was thunder!"

I could not stop laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnotm
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I was wondering if I should go to work today, and then I saw some guys putting up a giant rectangle along the highway.

It was a sign.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/POCKALEELEE
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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If you don't laugh, Moooooove along ;)
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
My coworker : My Zodiac sign is Libra ; I want everyone to get along.

Me : I'm a Cancer ; While nobody wants me, I still grow on them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theabobination
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't mushrooms always get along?

They like to shiitake other.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Silver4ura
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
A man was walking along a stream..

... when he noticed that every shoot growing put of the ground was a four leaf shamrock. There were millions of them, spread out along both banks.

Being superstitious, the man assumed the place must be somehow imbued with an extraordinary amount of luck.

He sought out the owner of the land, and promptly bought it, spending everything he had to do so.

His plan was to build a small house at the site and thereby ensure he would be surrounded by good fortune for the rest of his life.

Sadly, while lifting smooth river stones to create the foundation of his dream home, he slipped on some mud, hit his head on a stone, was knocked unconscious, tumbled into the water, and drowned.

This conclusively proved to the townsfolk, that the location was not lucky at all.

The moral of this story?

Don't judge a brook by it's clover.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
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What do you call a drunk person staggering along a street on their way home trying not to step on the cracks in the pavement?

Stuporstitious.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SvenSvenkill3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.

Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

πŸ‘︎ 257
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
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Moove Along Nothing to see here
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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My wife was hurrying me along and asking when things were going to be done so I asked her if she was my clone from Moscow. She looked confused and said "No, why?"

I said "Because you're Russian me."

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MA121Alpha
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Along with gender dysphoria, my doctor wanted to address my poor oral health.

She prescribed me trans-and-dental medication.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silashoulder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I ran out of gas on the side of the road. Along comes a swarm of bees.

I was confused, but they seemed friendly. I told them what was going on, and they said: open the gas cap. One by one, each bee flew into the tank, and to my astonishment the gas gage went from empty to full. The bees said: start the car. So, I did and it ran. I asked them: what did you put in the tank? Bee pee.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. β€œSomething for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.

β€œSomething I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.

Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.

β€œThat’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. β€œI’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”

So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.

He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.

β€œMaster Yoda!” he asks. β€œWhat did I do wrong?”

Yoda replies sagely, β€œA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I got into an argument with someone I thought was a "birds aren't real" supporter. I'm an idiot; they were just messing with me and they made some amazing bird puns along the way that deserve attention. The link to the post is in the comments so you can go give the user karma and see the context.

https://preview.redd.it/n7zvpwxkj6m51.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=54f0549ebd3c055929698d6fef3bc05782bf5282

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw a stray dog with the Eiffel Tower stuck in his fur, along with Arc de Triumph and the Louvre...

...poor little guy, covered in Paris Sites.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog shit on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one:

Deja poo.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Scribbler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the horses get along so well?

They were in a stable relationship

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/g_em_ini
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
3 and 5 seem to no get along.

They seem to be at odds with each other.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterPrize
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Two morons were walking along a narrow bridge

It’s very windy so the big one falls off, the little one manages to make it across only because he was a little moron (more on)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
He was renting the Tardis all along
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rejectedtuna
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do vegan rappers get along with each other so well?

Because they don’t have beef.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/regcrusher
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The navy is now taking dogs along on their submarines

They're subwoofers

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intrepidity87
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
True Story - I saw a guy walking along with two huge mattresses strapped to his rucksack...

...I thought, at least he has something to fall back on.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SweetCoverDrive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why was the mushroom brought along?

Seemed like a fungi to be around.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along

They saw things differently

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatreference
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a musical group of criminals that travels around the country but only along the outline of the country's border?

Contour

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A fly is buzzing along when he feels something bite his back.

Fly: "Ouch! Hey you must be pretty small to fit on my back. Are you a mite?"

Mite: "Yeah, as in I MIGHT bite you again hahaha"

Fly: "Wow.... That might be the worst joke I've ever heard"

Mite: "What can I say? I came up with it on the fly."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChewyNutCluster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I would never be able to sing along with other person

But, in the end, I was able to duet.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
If the government included a clutch of baby chickens along with the stimulus funds...

Does this mean we got money for nothing and our chicks for free?

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
2 cowboys were riding along and one saw a tree with bacon dangling from the branches. One called out saying "Look a Bacon Tree!" As they went closer to have a look they were confronted with a sky full of arrows. The other cowboy yelled:

This is no Bacon Tree, this is a Ham Bush.

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brendo20
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Holmes and Watson are creeping stealthy along the Street, searching for clues, when Holmes suddenly spots a Bakery shop window and scans it with his magnifying glass. Watson perplexed, says to Sherlock " What are you looking for exactly ? " ...Holmes replies...

" You know my method. It's founded upon the observation of Trifles. "

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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I went camping in my backyard last night, bringing along my tablet to watch Pulp Fiction.

I call it "Tentin' Quarantino".

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/altrefrain
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I just saw a ship builder hit a guy with a structure that runs along the center of a ship's bottom...

He keeled the other fellow just like that!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can't Windows Active Directory Servers ever get along?

Because they were born with Trust Issues..

(facepalm)

I know.. I know.. IT Nerd DadJoke...

I'll see my way out and go back into the server room where I belong..

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bad11ama
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
It's easy to get along with meteorites.

They're really down to Earth.

πŸ‘︎ 124
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I can’t get along with my car keys

They’re always starting something

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amersyam
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I love horror movies. I considering bringing along a DVD while I traveled the world.

But then I knew that'd be taking It too far.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sup-mr-stark
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Vegetarians always get along

They never have beef with each other!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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I was bobbin along and saw this.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Do you want to why I get along well with short people?

It’s because they look up to me.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KellanGP
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Why don't hamburger buns ever get along?

There's always beef between them.

πŸ‘︎ 155
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πŸ‘€︎ u/generalofbread
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
3 Little girls were walking along with their mother on the way home from the park

Girl 1 turned to her mother and said...

Girl 1: Mommy, why is my name Lily?

Mom: Because when we took you out of the Hospital, a Lily petal fell on your head.

The second Daughter, now curious, asks the same question...

Girl 2: Why is my name Rose?

Mom: When we took you out of the Hospital, a rose petal landed onto your head

This is when the 3rd daughter pipes up and says...

Girl 3: AAAARRRGHFFFFJJJFSSSLLLHHH

Mom: Shhhhhhh, quiet down now Cinder Block

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogOnACouch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve recently not been getting along with Excel,

We don’t have the same values.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was once walking my dog along a promenade during a storm. I got chatting to a German tourist. While we were talking, my dog decided to go for a swim. It was clear he was struggling then he got dragged under. The German dived in, pulled him out and did cpr. The dog coughed then came back to life

"That's amazing" I said "how did you know to do that? Are you a vet?" "Vet?" He asked. 'of corse I'm vet. I was in zee sea"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
🚨︎ report
What's it called when you're reeling in a fish you've just caught, and another one comes along and eats it?

Finterference

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/feathersoft
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way....

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

πŸ‘︎ 332
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…

I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me after all.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/washcapsfan37
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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