I once glued a set of false teeth onto a boomerang...
... that came back to bite me.
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break.
This is because concrete floors are really hard.
Does anyone know if doctors could take some of my butt flesh and graft it onto someone who isn't a relative?
A man walks into a pet store and asks for a dozen bees. The clerk carefully counts 13 bees out onto the counter. “That’s one too many!” says the customer.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
A month before my father died he started rubbing lard onto his body
At which point he started to go downhill pretty fast
A security guard at an airport informs the pilot of a man trying to sneak contraband onto an airplane.
The pilot responds, "That's not going to fly."
I went out onto the ocean to try and spot some whales
But the ink kept washing away.
I wasn’t allowed to bring my board game onto the aeroplane as a carry on luggage.
They said that The Risk was too big.
A bunch of cows wandered onto a cannabis field
I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench.
He said he’d never heard of such a de-vice.
My son and I were hooking pegs onto a clothes line.
I said, if you drive you are a driver, if you hop then you are a hopper, so if you cook you are a cooker.
my son to his mother: Dad and I are hookers!!
I made a righthand turn in Deadwood SD onto
My teacher asked the class to get onto our computers.
Mine couldn't support my weight, and broke.
I used to get irrationally angry at ice cubes and throw them onto the floor.
But now that's all just water under the fridge.
The captain wanted all sailors of German descent to come out onto the top ship platform and line up...
Don’t get Dad onto Schubert’s Symphony No 8...
...you’ll never hear the end of it.
what did the flat earther say before falling from a rocket onto the ground?
A globe-trotting vulture tried to bring his breakfast and lunch onto the plane
"I'm sorry, sir, you're only authorized ONE carrion."
A picky koala bear was holding onto a tree and thought
"This tree isn't of great koalaty"
Credit to u/poopellar
A Ramen Noodle truck overturned on the freeway today, spilling all its contents out onto the road...
Damages are estimated at $4.81 !
And now we are onto the Late News!
Hitler invades Poland, Japan attacks Pearl Harbor, and the Tripartite Pact has been signed!
Last night, me and the boys snuck onto the farm and went around feeding the cows $5 bills.
I do love me some cow tipping.
What did the middleman say when the buyer asked him to pass the money onto the seller?
What do you call a monkey that steps onto a minefield?
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame"
I tied all my watches onto my belt, but then I realized...
It was a waist of time...
doctor 1: this sailor broke his nose from crashing onto land.
doctor 1: Luckily they're just mariner injuries.
doctor 2: are you shore? they seem pretty bad to me.
doctor 1: nonsense, you can seafarer self.
My friend always wears this jacket which has LED lights stitched onto the back.
He is such a LED-back person.
What did the two maple trees get in trouble for when they crossed onto a farmer’s land?
My construction foreman asked me if I knew who made accurate crosscuts in a workpiece by pulling a mounted circular blade down onto a board in a quick motion...
I told him I miter saw who it was...
A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot.
I’m so glad it was a soft drink
And the Lord said onto John " Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life."
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
On my first day as undertaker, I managed to drop the coffin as I was loading it onto the car.
My boss was supportive and told me I just had to rehearse it.
A boy climbed up onto his Dad's shoulders and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." His father said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."
His son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."
My daughter jumped onto my lap and proclaimed "Daddy, I'm bored."
I am so glad to get this promotion to become the chair man of the bored.
Did you hear about the ship carrying red and blue paint that crashed onto an island?
The sailors were marooned
What did George Washington say to his men before they got onto the boat?
Why did the loaf of bread jump out of the oven and back onto the counter?
Because it always feels good to be kneaded.
Did you hear about the botanist that tried to graft a cranberry onto an apple tree?
The results weren’t so good. He got a crapple
I heard the Kool Aid Man got drafted onto an MLB team...
theres 2 ways to get onto the roof of your house a rope or a structure of steep steps.
i think the easier one is the ladder of the 2
Is it ok to take dermis from your butt and graft it onto your mate?
I wasn’t allowed to take my board game as a carry on luggage onto the aeroplane.
They said that the Risk was too big.
(books fall onto Sean Connery's head)
Sean: "I only have myshelf to blame."
I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break...
This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...
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