A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer please, ..."
"... and one for the road."
I went for an interview. They said, “Can you perform under pressure?”
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are locked in battle, and Vader says to Luke, "I know what you're getting for Christmas." Luke says, "No, that's impossible, how could that be?" Vader leans in closer, their lightsabers crackling under the pressure, and he replies...
I used to dig trenches under roads for a living
but I had to quit because it was just boring.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
Did you hear about the guy that walked into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm?
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
Why were there no fighting games under the Christmas tree?
Did you hear about the mechanic who fell asleep under the car?
He woke up oily in the morning
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
We live in Colorado and took my son outside today to play hide and seek for the first time. I pointed at the Rockies, looked him dead in the eye and said, "Under no circumstances can we allow them to play!" Confused, he ask why, so I explained, "Well, you see...
If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.
Soon It’ll just be water under the fridge.
It might crack under pressure.
When I was in high school in Belleville, ON, a young local artist spray-painted a beautiful picture on a large concrete wall under a bridge by the Moira river. He didn't get permission to do this, however, and the city eventually painted over it.
Watching his picture go like that must've been pretty demuralizing.
Who does their best work when they're under the weather?
My 8yr old daughter got me with "I can breathe under water"
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
I got arrested for dumping ice under the overpass last night. I thought they would have let me go this morning.
Surely it's just water under the bridge by now?
What do you call things that are said under the covers?
What do you call a group of people under 18 years old going somewhere?
Vin Diesel should commission a heraldic crest under his first name, a pair of snakes intertwined with fangs bared...
What do get if you sit under a cow?
A drunk dude decided to drive and get more beer. After being pulled over and questioned by the cop, the cop said “ sir I’m going to have to put you under arrest.” The guy then said
Under appreciated dad phases of the day:
Children spinning or running or circles or anything in that nature
Dad - Wow, you are making ME dizzy
Did you hear about the Minotaur they found under the Blue Mosque?
The police were under heavy attack of the flies
They had to call the SWAT team!
Stop! You're under a rest!!
I own a pen that can write under water
It can write other words too
What do you call an elf with under 2 legs
You call is a Leg o less (legolas)
Have you ever eaten under a standing table?
would be pretty under stand table.
What's under a duck tail?
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
What do you call a nut that fell out of your bowl and rolled under the couch?
I've been sitting quietly under citrus trees all day, and I must say...
Police say a man died after being crushed under a pile of books
He only has his shelf to blame.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat ?
What drug is illegal under the sea?
My wife's bra has the brand name "Splendid", embroidered on the band under one of the cups ...
I just took a sharpie and wrote "Also quite nice" under the other one.
I shot 3 under on 18 holes today but I'm still pretty disappointed.
My performance was really subpar.
On average, a panda feeds for approximately 12 hours a day. It’s the same with humans under quarantine.
That’s why it’s called a “Pandemic”.
Groups of more than six will be banned under new Corona rules. So we all know what this means...
Sneezy is getting kicked out the seven dwarfs.
I couldn't decide on which side of the road I wanted to use my loom. On the northbound side the southbound side looked better. And upon crossing to the southbound side, the northbound side looked better. The cops soon arrested me for operating under the influence.
They said I was weaving all over the road.
"Two men have been arrested under suspicion of drug smuggling," I told my fellow cop.
"Names?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied, "I presume they have names."
LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, gently slide them under your refrigerator.
Soon, it’ll be water under the fridge.
Employer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
The man says "One whiskey for me and one for the road"
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
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