So an under-age weasel waltzes into the local bar one fine Friday. He asks the bartender,
"HEY! Whatcha got to drink here?"
Bartender checks his ID, replies with,
"Well sir, since you're not quite old enough, here are your options:
We got tap water, seltzer water, apple juice, orange juice, milk, coffee, tea, and pop."
"POP! Goes the Weasel."
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
"Two beers, please. One for me, and one for the road."
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
But that’s just my two scents.
The coffee maker asked "on what grounds"?
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
Long ago there was a village under the sea. In that village lived a collection of fish, lot's of different kinds, along with Ted the strong octopus, and they all lived happily. Near the village, there was a cave whose entrance was blocked by a large stone, and above it, there was an inscription saying “When real danger arrives, open the cave, and you will all be saved”.
One day the village was attacked by a shoal of piranhas. The fish rush to the cave and try to push the boulder aside, but it is too large for them, so they go to Ted the strong octopus to ask for help, but Ted says “No, this danger is not big enough for us to need the cave, we will be fine without it.”. The fish begged and argued, but there was no convincing Ted, so they had to fight the piranhas without whatever was in the cave, and against all odds, they managed to defeat them with minimal losses, and all agreed that Ted was right.
After a fair bit of time, the village was attacked again by a bed of moray eels. Again the fish rushed to the cave to try to push the boulder aside, and again they failed, for it was too large for them, so they rush to Ted to ask for help. “No,” Ted said again “this danger is not as big as you think it is. We will manage just fine without the contents of the cave. Leave that for a bigger threat.”. And so the fish asked and begged, Ted, told them that all 8 of his hands were tied, he wouldn't help with moving the boulder, so they ended up fighting the morays, and to everyone's surprise, they actually managed to save the village. All again reluctantly agreed that although a deus ex machina would have been good, they didn't end up needing one.
Time passed and life was normal in the village until a Shiver of Sharks was spotted in the distance. Everyone panicked, and, knowing that they couldn't move the boulder alone, they rushed to Ted. “Again, the danger is not big enough, we will survive,” said Ted, and no matter what they did they couldn't change his mind, so they all rushed to the boulder in a desperate attempt to move it. As they were giving up, a very old fish that everyone trusted said “Do not worry, for Ted is wise, and he knows when the danger is real, and he knows when to use the contents of the cave. Have faith that if he says we will be fine, we will survive this, and when octopush comes to shove, the cave will open.”.
His space junk
The Miner
I took it as a sign from above.
He was fired for having his head in the cloud.
I told the officer "Wait! I can explain everything!!"
Soon it’ll be water under the fridge.
Ok, boomerang.
Because he was the life of the party!
Man: Do you do fishcakes?
Fishmonger: no, I'm afraid not, sorry.
Man: Ah, that's a shame - it's his birthday today
So I drank it and told her to stop hiding cans😤
Thunderwear!
Your nose is touching the ceiling
It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
I felt your presents!
He asked the bartender for a beer, and one for the road.
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
They got Tekken
I couldn’t fathom it.
Thunderpants
He woke up oily in the morning
No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody!
"... and one for the road."
I said “I’m not sure about that but I can have a good crack at Bohemian Rhapsody”
Me: But officer, I can explain everything!
Soon It’ll just be water under the fridge.
Me: No, but I can try Bohemian Rhapsody
