I quit being a flat earther,
because no one took me sphereiously.
ποΈ 32
π
οΈ Jan 14 2021
After being holed up in the house due to Covid, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Edit: You folks are way too generous. Thanks a lot.
ποΈ 11k
π
οΈ Oct 04 2020
I've completed 4 years of being single today.
Or Can I say I graduated my Bachelor's Degree?
ποΈ 65
π
οΈ Jan 01 2021
What's the best part about being a guitarist?
Knowing your way around the G string.
ποΈ 111
π
οΈ Dec 12 2020
I hate being bi polar...
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Jan 19 2021
Imagine the waters being filled with orange flavoured soda
ποΈ 16
π
οΈ Jan 19 2021
The police arrested me for being a helium balloon.
They held me for a while but eventually let me go.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jan 22 2021
Iβm giving up being an electrician.
ποΈ 29
π
οΈ Dec 18 2020
Inmates at HMP Manchester are refusing to eat the Moroccan spiced chicken dish they're given every Friday, claiming it is being used to secretly medicate them with aggression-suppressants hidden in the sauce.
That sounds to me like one of those cons' piri piri theories.
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jan 10 2021
I must admit, I joined this subreddit despite not being a dad.
Iβm a faux pa.
Edit: This took off a lot better than I expected.
I feel like a father figure now.
ποΈ 28k
π
οΈ Jul 09 2020
I'm going to share with you the greatest secret for always being on time
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Jan 21 2021
What do you say to your slow fence builder when he's not being original on r/dadjokes?
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Jan 22 2021
What do you call a fried potato who is being held hostage?
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ Jan 09 2021
Why is it so hard being a fish?
They are under pressure their whole life
ποΈ 31
π
οΈ Jan 07 2021
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Dec 25 2020
Iβm really looking forward to being an old man
I have to. I canβt look back on it.
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Dec 28 2020
What similar to working at McDonaldβs and being a archeologist in Athens
You will smell like ancient Greece
ποΈ 23
π
οΈ Dec 05 2020
Im tired of being misunderstood and Iβm going to get straight to the point!
Iβm drawing a line in the sand.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Jan 16 2021
Hippie gets 3 months late on rent...So the landlord knocks on his door to let him know heβs being evicted
He opens the door and tells him βNamasteβ.
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Dec 25 2020
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Dec 16 2020
My girlfriend got mad at me for being lazy
It's not like I did something
ποΈ 12k
π
οΈ Jul 21 2020
I hate being bipolar..
ποΈ 58
π
οΈ Nov 15 2020
Women who fake being pregnant...
Are ovary acting to the situation.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Dec 09 2020
A man is being taken to the gallows for his execution. The executioner asked if he had any last requests, and he asked for a high five.
The executioner left him hanging.
ποΈ 341
π
οΈ Oct 15 2020
My weird talent is always being able to tell whatβs in a wrapped present.
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ Dec 20 2020
My son thinks I'm so cool for being able to talk like Cookie Monster and Elmo.
I guess you could say I have Sesame Street cred.
ποΈ 6
π
οΈ Dec 28 2020
How do you describe bench-press obsessed army boys insulting each other while they're being shot at?
Chest nuts roasting in open fire
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Jan 02 2021
He's just being humerous (made by me)
ποΈ 73
π
οΈ Oct 02 2020
Fuck being home all day doing nothing!!
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Dec 03 2020
What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ Dec 15 2020
If someone yawns on tv and yawning is contagious, that person has a chance of being a superspreader and causing a short yawndemic πΈ
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Nov 22 2020
I had a terrible dream where I was being chased by a female horse after sunset.
ποΈ 33
π
οΈ Dec 04 2020
I thought I was being very clever but Iβve been known to put my foot in my mouth.
ποΈ 16
π
οΈ Nov 12 2020
I don't understand how some people don't care about elephants being an endangered species.
I guess they just find them irrelephant.
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Nov 25 2020
If you tell a dad joke without being a father...
Would that be considered a faux Pa?
ποΈ 47
π
οΈ Nov 28 2020
Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media.
wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen.
ποΈ 13k
π
οΈ Apr 25 2020
So close to being sad
ποΈ 34
π
οΈ Oct 30 2020
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED!
THE XBOX IS BEING ATTACKED! Here Comes The Ambulance Wii U Wii U Wii U
ποΈ 12
π
οΈ Nov 21 2020
I have to make dad jokes or I could lose my dad license. It's a thing called D-Law. If you're caught being a dad without a license? Well...
ποΈ 10
π
οΈ Dec 03 2020
Always being asked why I'm holding two plastic drinking cups.
My answer is always the same: Because.
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Nov 22 2020
What's the secret to being Santa Claus?
You either have the gift or you don't.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Dec 08 2020
My wife wants a divorce for being too un American
I saw that coming a kilometer away
ποΈ 20
π
οΈ Nov 16 2020
The most underrated part of being a cowboy...
...is having a stable income.
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Nov 30 2020
My diabetic wife asked me why i stopped being nice to her.
" I can't be sweet, you're diabetic "
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ Dec 05 2020
I was never good being a dad joke teller....
So I became a bank teller instead
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Nov 29 2020
If being around baby chickens has taught me one thing...
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Dec 25 2020
What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion?
ποΈ 21
π
οΈ Dec 16 2020
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