I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
What looks like red paint and smells like blue paint?
Dont hate me its cakeday
I married my wife for her looks
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver ❤️
Looks like the Democrats are going for a fruit-based strategy
They're going with either impeachment or impairment.
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
How does a baby look something up?
They "Goo Goo" it.
[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
My friend told me, “Your wife and daughter look like twins!”
I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
Stop scrolling and paws to look at this pun.
"Hey, look at that flock of cows!"
"Herd of cows."
"Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there!"
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.
Guess that's my New Year's Resolution
Keanu Reeves never looks any older
It's like he's a constant teen.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed
To be honest this is pretty demolarizing
When my grandparents came over they said: “You look like you’ve grown a foot!”
I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: “No, I still have just two.”
My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"
So I say, "It's been training"
Look at this good managing!
When visiting Poland make sure you don't look faded.
You might run into the polish police.
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...
My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.
I must admit that I married your mum for her looks...
But not the one’s she’s been giving me lately
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?
Daughter: How do people look underwater?
Dad: probably the same, just a little more wet.
Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...
Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!
Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.
I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low
Santa's wife, wearing a skimpy outfit : How do I look?
My wife told me today, "Look, I've had this since high school and it still fits me."
Me: "Yeah!!! It's a scarf. "
My pal and I went to dissect insects in biology class. He looks down and says
What happens if you don't look at things from the right angle?
You might find find yourself looking at a slippery slope.
Looks like the Democrats are now the party of “A. Blinken.”
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"
And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".
Look! I'm a water Bender!
What do you call it when a British person takes a good long look at something?
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...
I said: “If you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”
I made a documentary film about people who look for deals at thrift stores.
It's called Goodwill Hunting.
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, “Two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. “What did they look like?” He replied...
Santa's adding another reindeer for a new look this year.
Me: "The cemetery looks quite empty."
My dad: "People must be dying to get in."
Three legged dog hobbles into a saloon. Looks around and says...
“Alright, who shot my paw!”
My manager gave me a disappointed look when he saw my doodle.
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”