I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

πŸ‘︎ 497
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What looks like red paint and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.

Dont hate me its cakeday

πŸ‘︎ 279
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/imaharry23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
I married my wife for her looks

Just not the ones she been giving me lately.

Thanks for the silver ❀️

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Conviction666
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Looks like the Democrats are going for a fruit-based strategy

They're going with either impeachment or impairment.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hawkeye18
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14
🚨︎ report
Looks like I have all my ducks in a row
πŸ‘︎ 173
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrazyCatSkits
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How does a baby look something up?

They "Goo Goo" it.

[This joke provided courtesy of my seven-year old.]

πŸ‘︎ 476
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eggsaladapologist
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Jesus Christ would you look at the time
πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mighty_Lord6
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend told me, β€œYour wife and daughter look like twins!”

I said, β€œWell, they were separated at birth.”

πŸ‘︎ 24k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Stop scrolling and paws to look at this pun.
πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
"Hey, look at that flock of cows!"

"Herd."

"What?"

"Herd of cows."

"Of course I've heard of cows, there's a flock of them right there!"

πŸ‘︎ 111
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I just got glasses due to myopia and now everything looks clear and 4K.

Guess that's my New Year's Resolution

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AqViolet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Keanu Reeves never looks any older

It's like he's a constant teen.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cobclob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed

To be honest this is pretty demolarizing

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MyHandsAreOrange
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
When my grandparents came over they said: β€œYou look like you’ve grown a foot!”

I looked down to my feet, looked back up, and told them: β€œNo, I still have just two.”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rallocks
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
My son and I were waiting at a train crossing. He tells me "that train looks bigger than I remember"

So I say, "It's been training"

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Look at this good managing!
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/absolutespaghett
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
When visiting Poland make sure you don't look faded.

You might run into the polish police.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16
🚨︎ report
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...

Hindsight is 2020!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wolfyfancylads
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
A Girl takes a pregnancy test, mortified, she looks her boyfriend, dead in the eyes, and says...

"Your kid in me."

πŸ‘︎ 741
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife claims that men in camouflage look really sexy.

I just don’t see it.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I must admit that I married your mum for her looks...

But not the one’s she’s been giving me lately

πŸ‘︎ 62
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?

Aurora Borealis

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Daughter: How do people look underwater?

Dad: probably the same, just a little more wet.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/originaljayno
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Wife holding up "Prickly Pear Margarita": looks like I'm not driving...

Me: Why?

Wife: I don't want to drive im-pear-ed!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
Help! Everything looks pixelated all the sudden.

I think I set my New-Year's Resolution too low

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ammonwk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Santa's wife, wearing a skimpy outfit : How do I look?

Santa: Hoe hoe hoe.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EncryptedSage
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Look! A bobcat!
πŸ‘︎ 108
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HogHank
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me today, "Look, I've had this since high school and it still fits me."

Me: "Yeah!!! It's a scarf. "

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My pal and I went to dissect insects in biology class. He looks down and says

Dude, your fly is open

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/anonimi_il
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens if you don't look at things from the right angle?

You might find find yourself looking at a slippery slope.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jollyflyingcactus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
Looks like the Democrats are now the party of β€œA. Blinken.”
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ReepinItReal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"

And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Look! I'm a water Bender!
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pstryder
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a British person takes a good long look at something?

A propaganda

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nshah0703
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Look guys I done a meme!
πŸ‘︎ 152
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TopDawg117
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Look at this lion ass
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weirdhero7
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
As my daughter opened her last gift on Christmas morning with a sad look in her eyes...

I said: β€œIf you think that’s the end, you’ve got another thing coming!”

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yurgenbeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a documentary film about people who look for deals at thrift stores.

It's called Goodwill Hunting.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, β€œTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.” I asked. β€œWhat did they look like?” He replied...

β€œFifty dollar bills.”

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Santa's adding another reindeer for a new look this year.

And he's sleighing it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/praisethelort
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: "The cemetery looks quite empty."

My dad: "People must be dying to get in."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cthulhouette
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Three legged dog hobbles into a saloon. Looks around and says...

β€œAlright, who shot my paw!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My manager gave me a disappointed look when he saw my doodle.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, β€œLarry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, β€œGod and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

β€œWow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

β€œBonnie,” he says, β€œLarry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

β€œOh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. β€œHe’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Oh sheet.. look at my S!
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HovadoMoravske
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
You look like a fungi
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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