Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverSpeedClutch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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That shine
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Someone recently came back from surgery after an accident with their eye. They got a new eye and a mechanical cover that can shine light while covering the eye

The doctors called it eyeLEDs

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TestSubject_02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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Had a berry shine, he knows.
πŸ‘︎ 989
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebtcrew
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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Rise and Shine
πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TibiaChi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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I bought these pretty flowers from Micheals the other day. They have a multi-chrome shine to them. Unfortunately, the flowers have an odour to them.

They have an irideSCENT

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameIsKanya
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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My uncles time to shine.

(To my cousin)

Me: Who are you dating now?

Cousin: Alexis

Uncle: I told him not to date a car, They're too high maintenance.

(Groans, etc.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keeprolling5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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Buying a flashlight would really shine a new light on things.
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoatryder
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
I just wanted to be her knight in shining armor
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWACS-Thunderhead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Have you ever seen The Shining?

Because all my blood is rushing downstairs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrphanDevour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
After a long and terrible Autumn, the Sun was shining once again and the trees were finally put at ease.

They were releaved.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedygoyem
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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In the darkness...

In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chemist612
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only cha

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
If I was the director of admissions at Hogwarts...

I would walk into every room while giving tours with my arms outstretched, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes shining, just admiring the beauty of the space and then spin around slowly and proudly state, "And this? THIS is where the magic happens!"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expertn00b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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I'm glad my friend enlightened me on this deal
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bflowwolf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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Honey did Stephen King make you?

Why?

Cause you're Shining.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Light in Shining Armor
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k9518
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
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What happens when you eat yeast and shoe polish?

You rise and shine every morning.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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(want to annoy coworkers on a slow day?) "Hey, can you call a wizard or a knight in shining armor?"

[cue confused looks]

"Because, today is a draggin'!" (dragon)

[cue "I hate you" looks and/or painful eye-roll]

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chowderneck
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't greet people at night.

I make hey while the sun shines.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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A furniture store keeps calling me...

All I wanted was one night stand.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rectalspasm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were taking a walk...

This week’s dumb joke:

My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.

β€œIt’s weird how it’s always cooler right there,” she said.

β€œYeah,” I said, β€œI guess it’s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?”

β€œHuh? Why?”

A beat.

Two beats.

β€œIsn’t this where they stick everything?” I deadpanned.

She laughed. You don’t have to.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/truthcopy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.

Now I can play some hard rock.

πŸ‘︎ 387
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamieLaineRose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I just delivered my home shoe polishing service to the most beautiful lady I have ever seen!

Right away, I took a shine to her!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
On Weird Al’s Instagram
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuxedoGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad and I went for a run and he definitely shined on this one

We were approaching a runner who was running towards us and right as he passed by, both of us thought he smelled strongly of marijuana. My dad said, "He must be on a runner's high."

I was very proud at that moment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dalcowboiz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.

Now it's my time to shine.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamantTheAdamant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I got dadjoked by my 11 yo son.

After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."

He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCbullet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My male offspring gave me homemade whisky!

It's my son-shine

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said

This is my thyme to shine

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nilaky
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pun that glows?

I don't know, there is no pun-shine.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MolecularPotato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a few crows that hang out near near my house and ...

I've been throwing out some popcorn and sometimes bread crumbs instead of composting it. They like it. And I like them. They'll CAW at me sometimes when I get in the car.

I've heard that Crows....when they like you...they'll leave little gifts for you on your door step. Shining things, like bits of foil, bottle caps, buttons...etc.

And while it's not explicitly stated...they do expect something in return.

It's Quid Pro Crow.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I think this kid has a bright future
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niko5253
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been ridiculed ever since making a shirt out of lightbulbs,

But now, it’s my time to shine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Avartes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I like to drink Windex

It keeps me from streaking

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PolesawPolska
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What if someone made a bow that shot water?

I think it would be called a rainbow. It seems like a really colorful idea. I bet it would really shine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yabhay-Cake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report

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