You have a 2-door car you want to display. You get it detailed. You put it on a platform so everyone can see it. You set up special lighting so all the details shine.

You have just staged a coupe.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/basementmatt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
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Now’s your time to shine

Hope this is okay, but I write a new joke every week on a white board at work and I’ve run out of good ones. If you feel it’s relevant, I work for a roofing/siding company. Give me your best shot. I will reply if I find one to add to my list.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadyBratcher
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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Why is it more comfortable to have no shine in your hair?

Because then you'd have a matte tress.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
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Ryzen’s slogan should be β€œRyzen Shine”
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLoneGoon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31
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Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverSpeedClutch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
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Had a berry shine, he knows.
πŸ‘︎ 991
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebtcrew
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
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That shine
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarlungs1104666
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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Rise and Shine
πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TibiaChi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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Someone recently came back from surgery after an accident with their eye. They got a new eye and a mechanical cover that can shine light while covering the eye

The doctors called it eyeLEDs

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TestSubject_02
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2020
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You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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I bought these pretty flowers from Micheals the other day. They have a multi-chrome shine to them. Unfortunately, the flowers have an odour to them.

They have an irideSCENT

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyNameIsKanya
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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My uncles time to shine.

(To my cousin)

Me: Who are you dating now?

Cousin: Alexis

Uncle: I told him not to date a car, They're too high maintenance.

(Groans, etc.)

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keeprolling5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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Buying a flashlight would really shine a new light on things.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoatryder
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Farm machinery nerd

Man who has been going to the same bar for years tells his drinking buddies that he has decided to travel the world to view every farm tractor ever made. They all know his love for farm machinery and are quite relieved to be getting rid of him as he bores them half to death with his knowledge of tractors. 5 years later the man goes back to the bar after traveling the world seeing every tractor he could find. The barman looks at him and enquires as to why he looks so glum after achieving his life ambition, He explains that seeing every tractor has taken the shine off his hobby and he doesn't want or need to see anymore tractors. Just then there's a loud bang and the bar starts filling with smoke. Everyone is panicking except our man back from his travels who tells everyone to not panic and stand back, he then inhales all the smoke walks outside and blows all the smoke away. His buddies are amazed and ask how he managed to do this amazing feat, He explains. Simple I'm An Ex tractor fan.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orcamarine
πŸ“…︎ May 30
🚨︎ report
I caught my wife with another man

Some stories have hooks.

This story has a bloody good one.

It's about loveβ€”

Or at least marriage.

My marriage.

At heart, it's your typical fish out of water story, but like I said there's a hook.

The hook's in the beginning.

Although it's really the tail end that's most movingβ€”at least now, when our love's drying up.

Understand:

I'm a fisherman, and I caught my wife with another man.

Well, I caught the man first.

I used Craigslist.

But I suppose the details don't really matter. It's enough to know that by the time he was naked in the shed it was too late for him to change his mind.

He broke down easily. He wasn't particularly thick skinned.

That's where the hook came inβ€”

pushed through a fold of flesh on his back.

He wasn't much in the size department, but I didn't intend for him to get hung up on it. Unfortunately, he kept trying to escape, so what choice did I have? Then he seemed quite insecure, so I pierced him with another steel hook just in case.

Like I said:

Bloody good hook.

After he stopped struggling, I took him down and dragged him to my boat. Then we went fishing.

Hold on, though.

I may need to backtrack a little, because you may be wondering how I even knew she was out there.

The answer is: I'd already seen her swimming a few times.

It was love at first sight.

Like many couples nowadays we met on the net.

So back to when I was fishing:

I was in my boat with the Craigslist man with the steel hooks in his back. I had tied a thick rope to one of the hooks, placed the man onto a net, and pushed them both overboard. He splashed and choked, attracting a lot of attention.

I waited for her call.

It came.

She sounded so near to me.

When she swam just close enough to the Craigslist man in the water, I pulled in the netβ€”and there she was: shining, mine to the gills and writhing so enticingly!

I took her ashore.

I placed her in a water tank and told her she would be my wife.

I screwed herβ€”

shut.

For days I watched her bangβ€”

on the glass.

Until one day it happened: the glass cracked, the tank broke open, and with the water she spilled onto the floor.

Now here I am, watching my marriage fall apart.

Her gills are barely stirring.

Her face: dry and still.

It's only her scaly tail that's still gently moving.

I caught my wife with another man. I met her on the net. I thought our love would last forever, but now, listening to her shriek, I realize I was catfished! I wanted to marry a sirenβ€”but this thing is nothing

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/normancrane
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04
🚨︎ report
I just wanted to be her knight in shining armor
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWACS-Thunderhead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Have you ever seen The Shining?

Because all my blood is rushing downstairs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OrphanDevour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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After a long and terrible Autumn, the Sun was shining once again and the trees were finally put at ease.

They were releaved.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greedygoyem
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a friend who will even go for a walk with you in the rain to listen to your worries?

A rainbro

(Recommended soundtrack for this joke: Bob Marley: Sun is shining. You’ll see why)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rasmyn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13
🚨︎ report
I know a man who makes horse feed while his child polishes shoes

He makes hay while the son shines.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flaky_Explanation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
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Light in Shining Armor
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k9518
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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I'm glad my friend enlightened me on this deal
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bflowwolf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
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The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.

That shit was bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Many years ago there was a vicious viking named RΓΌdoff.

RΓΌdoff was one of the best fighters in his village and a terrifying opponent on the battlefield. He would often return from battle, so drenched in his opponent's blood that he became known as "RΓΌdoff det rΓΈde", meaning "the red".

After years of wars, and regular battles, RΓΌdoff finally grew old, and decided that his fighting days were behind him. He became the best farmer that his village had ever known and people would travel from.far away to ask him about his crops and to predict the weather, as he was quite proficient at it.

One morning he wokeup, and looked out the window, the skys were clear and the sun was shining, but RΓΌdoff could feel the pressure in his old bones and battle scars

"It will Rain soon", he said to his wife while she made breakfast. She glanced outside and told him he was nuts, it was bright and sunny.

He simply hiked up his pants and reminded her:

RΓΌdoff The Red knows rain, dear.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smoffatt34920
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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(want to annoy coworkers on a slow day?) "Hey, can you call a wizard or a knight in shining armor?"

[cue confused looks]

"Because, today is a draggin'!" (dragon)

[cue "I hate you" looks and/or painful eye-roll]

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Feddny
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The man and the silver screw.

There once was this fella was born with a silver screw in his belly button. His parents, and later himself, searched far and wide trying to find someone that knew how this happened and how to remove it. As he grew older he cared less and less about the "how" and more about the removal. One day in his never-ending search he encountered a wizened woman who said that she knew of a place where you could go and a mysterious force would be able to remove the screw. But, before she provided the location she asked him if this was REALLY something he wanted done and if he knew all the consequences of his desire. The man hastily said that he was 10000% sure and more than well informed of the consequences. So, she gave him the location of the cave and the instructions on how to gain the help of the mysterious force. He was to go to the cave and sleep nude in the cave over night and by the morning his request would be fulfilled. He made his way to the spot with all due haste and followed the instructions to the letter. He did this and fell into a sound sleep. During the night a heavy fog rolled into the cave and a shining silver screwdriver floated into the cave with it. It floated down to the man and gently removed the screw. When the man woke up in the morning and saw the screw on the ground beside him he quickly reached down and felt his belly button. The screw was gone! He sprung up with great joy but the minute he landed after his leap of joy his butt fell off. He froze in horror and started to scream "Why did my butt fall off?" over and over.

The moral of the story is "Don't mess with things you don't understand or you will lose your butt."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jj8o8
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21
🚨︎ report
In the darkness...

In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chemist612
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do bad rainbows go?

Prism.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A furniture store keeps calling me...

All I wanted was one night stand.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rectalspasm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Honey did Stephen King make you?

Why?

Cause you're Shining.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/harshamfk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
If I was the director of admissions at Hogwarts...

I would walk into every room while giving tours with my arms outstretched, head tilted slightly upwards, eyes shining, just admiring the beauty of the space and then spin around slowly and proudly state, "And this? THIS is where the magic happens!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/expertn00b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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What happens when you eat yeast and shoe polish?

You rise and shine every morning.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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I use my cell phone as an alarm clock.

I call it Veriz'n shine..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chowderneck
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.

Now I can play some hard rock.

πŸ‘︎ 380
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamieLaineRose
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I were taking a walk...

This week’s dumb joke:

My wife and I were out for a walk, and we walked through a cool patch of air right by a field.

β€œIt’s weird how it’s always cooler right there,” she said.

β€œYeah,” I said, β€œI guess it’s because the sun never shines here. I wonder if they get a lot of dumping in this field?”

β€œHuh? Why?”

A beat.

Two beats.

β€œIsn’t this where they stick everything?” I deadpanned.

She laughed. You don’t have to.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/truthcopy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad and I went for a run and he definitely shined on this one

We were approaching a runner who was running towards us and right as he passed by, both of us thought he smelled strongly of marijuana. My dad said, "He must be on a runner's high."

I was very proud at that moment.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dalcowboiz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I got dadjoked by my 11 yo son.

After his baseball game, we picked up some take-out food for the family. Driving home and now dark, he and I see three people walking along the shoulder of our street, all wearing dark clothes. I almost hit one of them. I say, shaking my head, "Look at these idiots, wearing dark clothes at night...someone's gonna get run over."

He replies, from the back seat, "Yeah...they're not too bright."

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CCbullet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2015
🚨︎ report
On Weird Al’s Instagram
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TuxedoGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I just delivered my home shoe polishing service to the most beautiful lady I have ever seen!

Right away, I took a shine to her!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.

Now it's my time to shine.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdamantTheAdamant
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My male offspring gave me homemade whisky!

It's my son-shine

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't greet people at night.

I make hey while the sun shines.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report

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