Girlfriend told me her ear was ringing..
I told her to answer it.
When making her morning coffee, she was telling me all about this new vanilla creamer in a foaming spray can she bought last night. I quickly identified my prey and pounced.
"Well... when you try it, I hope you like it a latte."
Her: He was trying to freak out his mom; she had a cow.
Me: What did she name it?
Whenever my SO has something in her eye and she's trying to get it out
Her: Can you see if there's anything in my eye?
Me: Yeah, it looks like a finger.
“You herd me!"
Me: “The right one” Wife: Evil Glare Me: “The wrong one?” Wife: Eviler Glare Me: Walks out of room
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "Your hair!"
I said, "What? It's not my fault you don't have Windows!"
I said, "You did not." She glares at me, "Yes I did." Me, "You did knot." She grudgingly accepts reality and stomps away, head shaking.
"Don't mind if I Zoo."
She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.
Totally worth it.
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers, "Yes."
After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
The teacher placed her hands on her hips, glaring at him, and said "May I!".
The kid smiles. "I was gonna get it myself, but sure, that'd be great!".
Me: Probably a bathing suit.
Wife: ...? *Glares
Wife: The movie was good, it made me cry
few days later we watch John Wick.
Me: What did you think of the move
Wife: it was really good
Me: So you really cried?
Wife: ..... (glare)
So I asked if he found any worth his time.
The bartender said, “don’t you mean a Martini?” I glared at him and said, “I only want one!”
The girlfriend and I were in the car yesterday with her two young kids in the backseat. They were talking about what sort of "bender" they wanted to be.
Girl: "I would be an airbender!"
Boy: "I'm a waterbender."
Just then a truck passes us, driving a bit wildly.
Me: "That guy wants to be a fenderbender."
Cue evil glare from girlfriend.
I'm a teacher, and due to recent storms we've had a few short-lived blackouts.
Today in class the electricity was being fixed by the company and they had to shut the lights off for a few minutes.
Secretary (comes in the room): were there any problems with the lights off?
Me (I've got this, I'm ready!): No, we were delighted.
The secretary left, paused outside and then came back in with the worst glare possible. Yes!!!
Thank you guys, I was prepared.
Edit: Front page!!! Awesome! This is the highlight of my day! Keep your puns coming, I love them all (and I'm secretly practicing them for the proper opportunity).
Thank you so much /user/x9x9x9x9x9 for the gold! It made everything that much better.
Keep your puns coming you guys (especially teachers!).
Friend 1: I love that song!
Friend 2: Yeah it’s a bop.
Me: Yeah i heard that it was number one at the BOPS office.
Both friends: glares of pure hatred
Pain is the word for bread in French. I posted this to r/Showerthoughts which did not go over well
Mother and I were talking about a trip I have been packing for, and she asks me a specific question while at the table eating breakfast.
Mom: "Do you have a car charger for the van?"
Me: "Mom, we don't charge the van. It runs on gas."
Dad: chokes on eggs
Edit: Wow. Didn't think this was that funny! Thanks guys for all the glorious upvotes :D
I walk into his house and he yells, gruffly, "What are you up to?". Seizing my opportunity, I quip back "Ohh about 6 foot 4.". He glares at me for 5 solid seconds and says dryly, "I didn't know they could stack shit that high!". Uncontrollable laughter for the next 5 minutes from him.
RIP Old Man
...I reply, "You forgot Mary."
Me: Hey boss how's the morning going?
Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor.
Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds.
Boss: Glaring Intensifies
My wife is going to see a nutritionist to see how her diet can affect the fetus. As she was heading out the door, I said, "Hope your appointment is fruitful!"
She glared as she closed the door.
I asked her to run to the store for me, she glared and said "I'm a little busy."
To which I replied "I don't know, looks like you have some thyme on your hands to me."
My wife: can you call my phone? I can't find it
Daughter: MOMMY'S PHOOONNNNE!!
And now I'm sitting here with a huge grin while my wife is glaring at me
So last night, I decided to treat my husband to a big dinner. He piles food on his plate and begins to eat. A while later I heard him sigh out in contentment. So I proceeded to ask...
Me: Was it good?
Him: Yeah, I ate my whole plate and now I'm stuffed.
Me: Well you could've left the plate. I didn't look too tasty to me.
I got glared at.
Doing this on mobile, so we'll see how it goes.
My son playing with a toy lightsaber:
Son: dad I can't get the saber to open up! Me: have you tried using more force?
Wife: (glaring at me) really? More force?
When I worked for a design agency, I had two adamant higher-ups. There was a brand identity project for a new company, and I was in charge of typography, but those two disagreed with my choice of font.
The first one was this stony-looking Peruvian-American man named Esteban Ferrero, but since that's Spanish for Steven Smith, and our company had a rule that everyone has to call each other using nicknames instead of last names, everyone, including himself, just called him Steve. The second one was a Dutch woman with a sharp glare named Evelien van der Berg. She was famous for giving designers a hard time convincing her that their design choices work better than hers. In accordance with the company rules, we called her Eve.
Anyway, I showed Steve my first draft, and he wasn't convinced that I chose LinoLetter as the main font, and told me that I should use a sans-serif font. But I stood by my position that serifs add legibility to printed and digital material, that it fits the company's identity as an organic store, and that it is hard to stand out with a sans-serif. It took a lot of debate, but in the end, Steve was convinced that LinoLetter was acceptable.
A few days later, I showed Eve a more elaborated version, as for the sizes and styles of the font, and the pairing of LinoLetter with Century as the headline font. She insisted that I should have used a sans-serif font for the headline. I expressed my view that LinoLetter is a font with composed and legible shape, and Century, while it is also legible, has flair at larger sizes. She kept disagreeing with me, saying I should use something bolder and more contrasting, like Tungsten. It felt like hours had passed before the conversation went anywhere, so I had to give up and look for a sans-serif font that goes with LinoLetter.
So it goes to show that the one who gave me a hard time was adamant Eve, not adamant Steve.
she finds one that she likes and says "look this one comes with a free gym" to which I respond "Do you have to provide him with a bed and food?" Silence. Glares and silence.
She was preparing to teach a unit on light, and asked me to look something up in the manual for her. As she handed me the book,
Her: "This is the light teacher's manual."
Me: "Feels pretty heavy to me."
Her: "You're not funny."
She was buying tickets to a show, and the theater is separated into two sections.
Her: "Do you want to sit in the upper or lower section?"
Me: "Top or bottom. It doesn't matter, I'm bi-sectional."
I got a good glare, and a sense that I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight.
One of her friends was giving her a mini-lecture about her inability to tell people no, and then gave her the caveat, "But you really need to choose your 'no's'..."
Me: "But of course, rhinoplasty is pretty pricey!"
Both of them: glare
Girlfriend: "Hey shcarneacarn, this October should be a scary movie marathon! Help me catch up on all the scary movies I've missed?"
Me: "Only if I can mustard up the courage!"
The glare that ensued afterwards was almost too satisfying.
From the living room, I hear him ask "is the dishwasher clean?" I answer "yes". I hear the refrigerator open, then add "but the dishes in it aren't".
I'm pretty sure that I could feel his glare through the wall.
So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".
anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !
Wife: Can you tell me I'm pretty please?
Me: You're pretty please.
Wife: death glare
As she was doing her makeup in the car, she was looking around for something she lost.
Me: Did you lose your eyelash brush?
Her: Eyelash brush? That's not a thing.
Me: Sorry, eyelash comb.
Her: No! That's not a thing either!
Me: Hey now, there's no reason to lash out at me...
Me: I can't believe you don't like Indian food! I love the bread it's so good!
Co-worker: I don't really like bread so...
Me: So ... I guess that means you are naan a fan
Co-worker proceeds to give me intense glare
"I want to play the clarinet very badly!"
"Why not pay attention so you can play well?"
And she goes: "Rice is an integral ingredient in Indian cuisine"
So I answered "You really wouldn't wanna derive from it then, eh?"
The glare she gave me afterwards was priceless :)