What's the easiest way to male a glow worm happy ?

Cut off it's tail, it'll be delighted

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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You'll never know if you don't go, you'll never shine if you don't glow
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hzardous_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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My new business failed miserably, I was selling T-shirts featuring glow in the dark dollar bills

But then my Dad reminded me: money doesn’t glow on tees.

πŸ‘︎ 65
πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
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My dog has a glow-in-the-dark tennis ball

We try not to leave it in the yard on sunny days, because that would lead to glow ball warming.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ‘€︎ u/fizzmore
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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What do you call a flower that glows in the dark?

A light bulb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talazare
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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So I have vowed never to buy glow sticks ever again

They were just made to be broken

(My brother who is a new father and newly enlisted solider told me this today)

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ‘€︎ u/glitchomojo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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What do you call a pun that glows?

I don't know, there is no pun-shine.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/MolecularPotato
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Between songs, a flickering orange light glows near the band’s speakers

Son: His amp is on fire!

Dad: it’s an amplifire!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/EvanOrton22
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
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I find I can carry large sacks of dahlia tubers with ease, although the eerie glow they emit is somewhat offputting.

They must be light bulbs!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stevebox2345
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
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What do you call cheese that glows in the dark?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/sphinctaltickle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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If the moon is made out of cheese, how does it glow?

It hallouminates

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/EpicPunz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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What did one glow worm said to the other one?

You glow girl!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsmrgomez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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I asked my dad why he made me a glowing sandwich

he said: "I thought you wanted a light snack?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/Waterburst789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
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I was hanging out with my French friend

We were talking about his daughter Patience, who had contracted an illness and started glowing green. To tell me he sat me down, looked me in the eyes and said; "Patience is a vert hue,".

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthTalek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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My business of making T-shirts decorated with dayglo currency was struggling, so I asked my dad for advice.

He said, β€œI’ve told you a million times, money doesn’t glow on Tees.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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I stared at the ceiling bulb glowing for a long time

It was the high-light of my life.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbelianTensor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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This story is about a man called Trevor, and his obsession with tractors.

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

β€œWell” said Jeff, β€œAs I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

β€œYes of course” replied Trevor

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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A lightning bug hit out windshield and left a glowing smear.

I said 'He won't have the guts to to that again'

πŸ‘︎ 84
πŸ‘€︎ u/gets_the_dad_joke
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2017
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What do you call a glowing snake eating itself?


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πŸ‘€︎ u/SemperPieratus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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My dad walks in glowing with his new bald hair style:

Me: Oh, you got a haircut!

Dad: stops smiling and states No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/iCespedes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2016
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My favorite color is ultraviolet...

It glows with everything.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ‘€︎ u/sockyg
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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What did one firefly say to the other

You glow girl

My daughter kills me with these

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/Eclectic211
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Did you see the face on that politician after they won a cephalopod bribery tournament?

It was quite the squid pro glow!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
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Why did two light bulbs go out?

They liked each other.

πŸ‘︎ 63
πŸ‘€︎ u/prksjnthn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
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In science class

In science today we were discussing chemical reactions, more specifically ones resulting in light.

Science teacher: "Have any of you seem that show '1000 ways to die'?

Most answer yes.

Teacher: "Well one episode some guy decided to inject himself with the contents of a glow stick to make his veins glow. He died."

Without thinking about it, I stand up and loudly blurt out: "He wasn't too bright, was he?"

Groans galore. I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ‘€︎ u/LunarDrop
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.


The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.


He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.


There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…



He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.


Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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[Request] Pun for the name "Gloria"?

I'm usually good with name puns , but I can't think of a funny way to incorporate it. Some words to help - Glory, Glorious, Galore, Glow, , euphoria...

Edit/update: I used Glorias as in glorious. "I hope you had a Glorias day"

She said, "lmao, your silly".

I think that's a win....?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/EDM117
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....


... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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My girlfriend won't be complaining about her contact lenses for a while

My girlfriend was talking about her contact lenses, she's been having a bit of a problem with them..

Girlf: "One of them is never right"

Me: "That'd be the left one"

Needless to say there was a lot of sighing from her end whilst I glow basked in the moment

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
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SOMEONE in this house needs to know how to Dad properly.

We're catching up on Agents of SHIELD tonight, and I commented that Agent Gonzales always seems to be conspicuously drinking a glass of water. My husband agreed that he does seem suspicious, and wondered aloud if he was actually a traitor.

I responded, "He may just be trying to stay Hydra-ated," and proceeded to fall over laughing on the couch while the husband slowly shook his head and sighed. Somewhere, my dad is glowing with pride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Miett
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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I was at work rotating the organic pears we were selling at $1.49/lbs when a woman shopping in the arms of her blind husband. She made mention of wanting pears so I said cheerfully "We have Organic Bartlett Pears from Rainer Washington on sale for $1.49/lbs". Her face glowed with excitement as she thanked me. Her husband moved his head to my direction and said with the biggest shit eating grin "Thanks for letting us know. They weren't noticeable beforehand."

I groaned loudly as my boss laughed. "Did I just get dadjoked? I think I got dad joked." The blind man chuckled and said "Yes... Yes you did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Syd35h0w
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2014
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