3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.

They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spinach_Stock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
The barman says, β€œSorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”

A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.

πŸ‘︎ 278
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snrckrd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?

He called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22
🚨︎ report
When God lights a cigarette....

Is it with a match made in Heaven ?

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11
🚨︎ report
Where was Moses when the lights went out?

In the dark.

My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.

Guess they needed an emergency service.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Darksteel_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05
🚨︎ report
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.

The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/firestrike007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I have always been a light eater...

When it gets light, I start eating.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
362 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up...

Unbelievable!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ralph-Hinkley
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Just took down my icicle lights..

Now my hands are frozen..

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/grumpykixdopey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

β€”

My 9yr old son just told me this πŸ€ͺ

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pagameba
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Seriously guys. Take your Christmas lights down.

Christmas was literally last year.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?

StrogONOFF

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Saazkwat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?

Aurora Borealis

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.

But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BM_14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
Honey, you are the sun that lights my sky.

I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PopUpAdCockBlock
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13
🚨︎ report
A big light switch is a major turn-on
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bismuth482
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the flash light get arrested?...

.

.

.

.

For public flashing.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elfere
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?

A Brazilian

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaronclark384
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Selena traffic light
πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oliv071b
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.

My dog was delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 89
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the dad kneel on the Christmas lights?

He wanted to put up neon lights.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?

One... Or two.

One......... Or two.

πŸ‘︎ 161
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OverSpeedClutch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...

We had to hold Hans.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My car had check engine light on...

So I told my son that the car might be β€œsick”.

My son said: β€œdoes it have the Car-onavirus?” And started cracking up.

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JordanMichael08
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..

We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A fish

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
The light of my life, a future dad:
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rooftopfilth
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I had a girlfriend years ago that had a passion for light switches

It was an on/off relationship

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Today, while hanging Halloween lights, my 3 year old made his first pun:

Wow, that blue spider is so beautiful! It’s Blue-tiful!

I’m so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jessieface13
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Didn't light up on SLPT, maybe y'all will like it.
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/danarchist
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Son: There's a life-sized "Leg lamp" at the light display! It's like 4 feet tall!

Me: No, it's only one foot.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thirteen_20
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you "kill the lights"?

You hang them from the ceiling

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/McDimps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Light travels faster than sound..

That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

πŸ‘︎ 56
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Snugl-v203
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiskyEchoTango
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What lights up a soccer stadium?

A soccer match

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/profusly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Switch Light
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yppah118
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a β€œknight light”
πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mnb1114
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the traffic light say to the car?

Don’t look, I’m about to change

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!

After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/digeratisensei
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Ding heres a light joke to brighten up the world(three jokes in one) (;
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHotSouthWinds
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Open up your morning light...
πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lindserrific
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Physics: Why can’t Catholics travel at light speed?

Because they have mass.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cyclopropagative
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?

Normally three, but Toucan.

πŸ‘︎ 85
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb...

Into what ?

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StoppingMusic21
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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