3 men are stuck on a boat with 4 cigarettes, but nothing to light them with.
They throw one over board and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
The barman says, “Sorry, we don’t serve faster-than-light particles in here.”
A faster-than-light particle walks into a bar.
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?
When God lights a cigarette....
Is it with a match made in Heaven ?
Where was Moses when the lights went out?
In the dark.
My dad literally just said this to me, so I felt it was appropriate to post.
I saw an ambulance with the lights on at the local mechanics today.
Guess they needed an emergency service.
The pessimist sees a dark tunnel. The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a freight train.
The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
I have always been a light eater...
When it gets light, I start eating.
362 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up...
Just took down my icicle lights..
Now my hands are frozen..
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
My 9yr old son just told me this 🤪
Seriously guys. Take your Christmas lights down.
Christmas was literally last year.
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
What do you call a woman that would rather stare at her phone than look up at the Northern lights?
Phil told me about what lights up a light bulb.
But I didn’t know what Phil-a-meant.
Honey, you are the sun that lights my sky.
I'm glad you're there, but god I hate looking at you.
A big light switch is a major turn-on
Why did the flash light get arrested?...
For public flashing.
How many South Americans does it take to change a light bulb?
My dog ate a string of Christmas lights, but the vet was able to remove them.
Why did the dad kneel on the Christmas lights?
He wanted to put up neon lights.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One... Or two.
One......... Or two.
Did you know that when it snows my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen?
My German friend Hans got so drunk on American light beer we had to carry him to the truck to go home...
My car had check engine light on...
So I told my son that the car might be “sick”.
My son said: “does it have the Car-onavirus?” And started cracking up.
Instead of decorating my whole house this year, I decided to put all of my lights in my drinks cupboard instead..
We'll Christmas is all about Makings Spirits Bright
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The light of my life, a future dad:
I had a girlfriend years ago that had a passion for light switches
It was an on/off relationship
Today, while hanging Halloween lights, my 3 year old made his first pun:
Wow, that blue spider is so beautiful! It’s Blue-tiful!
I’m so proud.
Didn't light up on SLPT, maybe y'all will like it.
Son: There's a life-sized "Leg lamp" at the light display! It's like 4 feet tall!
Me: No, it's only one foot.
How do you "kill the lights"?
You hang them from the ceiling
Light travels faster than sound..
That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
What lights up a soccer stadium?
What did the traffic light say to the car?
Don’t look, I’m about to change
I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette
I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire.
The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire. Then they gave her a ticket!
After they came inside I asked why they gave her a ticket. Turns out she didn't have a license for that firearm.
Ding heres a light joke to brighten up the world(three jokes in one) (;
Open up your morning light...
Physics: Why can’t Catholics travel at light speed?
How many birds does it take to change a light bulb?
Normally three, but Toucan.
How many witches does it take to change a light bulb...
Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak